(Closed) apparently I am "overwhelming" him now =/

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

@stargazer102706:  I think it’s time to start being really, REALLY busy with hobbies, cleaning, and other friends. Maybe stop calling him every day at lunch. If he really feels that you are overwhelming him, maybe you should let him have just a taste of what it would be like to be without you.

Post # 4
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

To be honest, I’m a girl and never heard about going ring shopping together until I got on weddingbee.  I always thought it was something the guy did on his own, so I wouldn’t fault him for thinking that way.

Remember: you’ll get to dictate much of the wedding stuff.  The proposal stuff is his one moment to shine and plan out how he wants to.  Let him have his moment… I can’t imagine how stressful it is to plan out buying a ring and proposing.  Girls put a lot of pressure on guys for it to be perfect and a special moment, and he feels like he has to live up to that.

Post # 5
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I feel your pain girl. The ring I LOVE is way out of my SOs price range of $1,200. So, I started looking at other options and I do believe I overwhelmed him. Like PP said, you need to find some new hobbies and hang out with your friends. Leave the ball in his court.

Post # 6
Member
2551 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Maybe he just wants to go the traditional route & get it himself and surprise you with it.  The ring/proposal issue is a sticky one b/c of societal norms/pressure. Traditionally he doesn’t get any help from the bride in this area and he may feel uncomfortable going against the tradition. It sounds like he’s looking forward to being able to pick out your ring all on his own… He’s got your recommendations, I’d leave it at that. 9 examples is enough for him to get the idea- and guys always move slower than us ladies would like! 

Post # 7
Member
562 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

“At this point I’m not even excited about him proposing to me anymore, I’m just wanting him to get it over with so I can finally stop waiting and wondering when it’s going to happen. He actually told me I’m “taking all the fun out of it”, but in my opinion that’s what HE’s doing by dragging it out so damn long!!!!!”

 

You just want him to get it over with!?  I cant say if you are taking the fun out of it, I dont know you or your relationship, but certainly didnt sound very romantic.  If he’s dragging it out so long have you ever thought of why?  Surely if you push someone into proposing before they are ready it means a hell of a lot less than if they suprise you because they thought the time was right?  As I said, I dont know you so I may be well off.  Maybe take EffieTrinkets advice? 

Post # 8
Member
5958 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Sorry this happened, you were so excited and he just popped your proposal balloon, he could have handled that much better, but the good news is he’s got lots of good, budget friendly options to start with and that’s better than you were yesterday.  If he wants to do this on his own, let him….you said you were impatient and that is fine, do not let that particular characteristic drive him insane.  Be breezy, happy, busy and completely disinterested in the whole thing from now on, his job is to buy a ring and propose, it’s your job to say yes and look fabulous doing it….maybe some new clothes and a manicure are in order?

Post # 9
Member
11234 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@EffieTrinket:  This.

My Fiance and I went ring shopping together. We went to probably 6 different b&m stores, as well as searching online. I sent him at least a hundred links. If it bothered him, he didn’t say anything, although I’m sure I got embarrassed that I was sending him so much stuff. I’m really picky, and he and I have very different tastes in jewelry. I actually told him that as long as it was white gold, I’d love it, but he wanted more direction.

Post # 10
Member
661 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@stargazer102706:  I have been in your position. I was told I “overwhelmed” him shortly before he proposed. We didn’t do any ring shopping together, but same basic deal where I wanted it so badly, and I honestly got pretty damn insulted when it wasn’t happening.

Effie Trinket’s advice is solid. This is what I did. Basically my pride was hurt and I decided it would be better to focus my energy on something else besides a man who wasn’t proposing to me so I made lots of plans without him including a girls’-only vacation.

Finally he did propose and it actually was a surprise and turned out pretty awesome. You will need to change your energy and attitude toward him. Believe me, you don’t want to get anything by pestering someone relentlessly. So stop calling him at lunch, stop doing his ring work for him. He’s busy in his world, get busy in yours. Be nice toward him when you do talk to him, but ease up on the intensity.

 

Post # 11
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@MadameTussaud:  +1

I was in your boat once when I just felt like I wanted it over with and have the ring on my finger already BUT I took up some hobbies like a previous poster said, and just stopped bringing it up for months. I took my frustrations elsewhere by venting to my friends, you could vent on here, or even journal writing. Try to not say anything for a week or two, just give him space for a while and then maybe bring it up to him in two weeks and say that you did that because said he was overwhelmed and that’s the last thing you want to do. Then try that again for another 2 weeks and so on. Wedding stuff is suppose to be fun and exciting, I know it’s easy to get caught up in just wanting to make it official but you will have plenty of time for that the rest of your life ๐Ÿ™‚
Now that the time came for me, I really regretted all of those times that I smothered him, and look back and am proud of myself for shutting up for a while and giving him space. I honestly think that that space is what lead to a sooner proposal in my case, as well. 
Just try to relax, do some fun stuff! And realize that this is a big step for your man, and he just wants to make this perfect for you.
Good luck! 

Post # 12
Member
6019 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

@stargazer102706:  I know how ya feel. I too was an impatient girl! I had the same thinking you do. But I have to say I kind of ruined it for myself by being so involved and so impatient. I got what I wanted but I have some regret that I didn’t just let the process happen and enjoy it. I love my ring, and of course my Fiance but I wish I could go back and enjoy all that excitment and giddyness. I didn’t and it bothers me still. Like the day we actually finally went ring shopping is still, to this minute, one of my favorite days ever with Fiance. Going with my girlfriends to ring shops to do research and feeling all that excitment and build up was irreplaceable. And all I could do was be impatient. I didn’t realize it at the time, not even a litte, but that waiting period was so. much. fun. It was so exciting. Please please try and enjoy this time. Let him take his time and soak it up as much as you can. Try and remember that traditionally and in a lot of men’s minds, its not common for a girl to pick out rings. my Fiance sure was not on board with that idea at first. I wish I had not pushed him to it though even though I am glad I got to pick my ring in the end. I didn’t know you could even try and be a part of it until coming to WB. I always thought it was just the guy that did it and in many cases it still is. So I wouldn’t get too irritated that he wants to do it alone.

By The Way guys are so different from us! I too sent links lol. He hated that. He felt like I was sending him options and those are the ones he had to pick from. Plus he said getting links nonstop (to him nonstop was like 5 links over the course of a few days!) just made him resent the whole process and I was taking the fun away from him in a way. Our compromise was going shopping together and making a day of it and both having a say. he gave in a lot for me and in the end he was right lol.

Post # 14
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Uh ya.  So he’s honest with you that he’s overwhelmed and then you insult him by telling him he lives under a rock?

I think this is a scenario where he gave an inch and you’re taking a mile.  This is something you both need to be on the same page about.  I agree with Effie, time to take up a hobbie!

Post # 15
Member
3136 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

my only thought is that sending 10 rings can seem like nothing to us bees who love looking, but that’s a lot of links for someone. i think of when a gf is looking for dress and sends 6 links in an email- i get annoyed/overwhelmed. for future use- narrow it down to 3 or so.

you sound like me, tho. ok, we’ve decided so LET’S DO IT! come here and go nuts and keep the crazy away from him ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 16
Member
370 posts
Helper bee

 My SO is extremely traditional always told me I would have nothing to do with buying the ring, he wanted to do EVERYTHING on his own, pick it out himself the whole 9 yards. He told me if he picked it out and I didn’t like it “well too bad” for me.” A woman shouldn’t have a say in the ring” the man picks it end of story! or was it????? lol

Fast forward a year later he starts looking at rings, spends 2 weeks going to 5 jewlers gets extremely overwhelmed because a. he doesn’t know anything about rings or diamonds b. there are so many styles and different kinds of rings c. they are so expensive he is afraid to get me one I won’t like. So he comes to me and tells me all of this.  I ask him if he’d like me to come with him he says ok and thats when we seriously started to look together to get an idea of what I liked. He’s ordered it now and I’m assuming he will pick it up any day now ๐Ÿ™‚ 

I say give your SO some time to digest everything and I bet when he’s at work one of these days he will open the emails on his own time , without pressure and check out the links you sent him. Like my SO once he realizes on his OWN that buying a ring isn’t as easy as he thought it would be he may change his mind and come to you for your opinion. I’ve realized that no matter how much we complain and argue if they are not ready to propose they won’t. Hang in there girl hope he comes around soon!

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