(Closed) Apparently I'm entitled to… Nothing :-(

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
4235 posts
Honey bee

 

Yikes.

I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been confronted with this issue at this point in time. Here’s hoping that y’all get on the same page ASAP.

Best wishes, Bee.

 

 

Post # 3
Member
5217 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
anon112233:  You need a prenup to protect yourself.  Get a lawyer to help with it. He wants it, you need to be reptesented. You are helping him run his business, you are entitled to benefit from it in the event the marriage fails. That, or I’d go build a career/savings on my own. This “mine vs yours” mentality would not fly with me at all.

Post # 4
Member
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

WOW. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. If you are taking care of his and your child, you are contributing to the household. Have you signed the prenup yet? I would hire a lawyer and make sure that it’s fair. And the nasty comments about the house…sorry, but once you’re married, it should be half yours. 

I would suggest premarriage counseling. Sorry he got burned before, but it’s certainly not fair for him to take it out on you. 

Post # 5
Member
2076 posts
Buzzing bee

Yeah I think you guys need counseling (and he may need individual counseling since he seems to have really been affected by what his previous wife did to him) and you also need a prenup.

And if I were you I would start building your own savings/career up to help protect you in the event that he does leave and does exactly what his ex wife did to him, but to you.

Post # 6
Member
1094 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds like he has been burned pretty badly and for whatever reason he thinks you are just like his exwife, perhaps remind him that you are not her. it is not fair for him to be treating you like this, almost accusing you of something you never did

Post # 7
Member
3609 posts
Sugar bee

This is to a large extent dependent on the law of the state where you live, but he is a fool for thinking that eight years of you caring for the needs of your joint household (and not to mention your child together) entitles you to nothing in the event of a breakup because you are not married or the house and car is in his name or whatever. You have rights, but the unfortunate reality is that if you were to break up, you would have to go to court to enforce them, and it could drag out for years while you had nothing to support yourself on in the meantime. Also, not sure if he knows this, but if the prenup is totally skewed in his favor and it’s clear you were backed into a corner when you signed, many courts will decline to enforce part or all of it (again, dependent to a large extent on the laws of your state).

Please get yourself to a family lawyer asap!

Post # 8
Member
295 posts
Helper bee

There definitely need to be some changes. For your own and the protection of your child, you need to be listed on the policies or you’re going to have to cut through a bunch of red tape if something were to ever happen to your fiance. 

Personally, this would be a huge red flag for me and I wouldn’t want to marry someone who has that mindset. Things would have to change. 

But if he doesn’t change and you do marry him, I suggest you start a rainy day fund and start stashing. Just in case. That sounds horrible, but given what has happened and the fact if things go south, you would be left with nothing until the courts decide otherwise, you need to protect yourself and your child. 

Post # 9
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

He sounds like an asshole. Whatever happened with his ex (and I bet you’re getting a very specific version of the story) doesn’t excuse his treatment of you. You’re his parther, not his indentured servant. If he insists on hoarding everything for himself and refuses to attach your name to any and all assets, I would not marry this man. He’s not looking out for you, he’s looking out for himself. 

I think the prenup is a good idea. I think your lawyer should see if there’s a way to acknowledge the value of your emotional and literal labor, so that he can’t argue that running a home and raising a child constitutes “contributing nothing” if you guys split. See what kinds of support you might qualify for/be entitled to in the event of divorce. 

Evaluate your current assets. I know you’re a Stay-At-Home Mom, but what do you have in your name? A laptop? Your bank account? Are you paid wages for running his business? Are you recognized as an employee and is your name on record as owning any part of the business? If he’s bullshitting around and not listing you as an employee or not legally recognizing your work, see if you can’t find a job or some other source of income. If you stay you need to protect yourself and your child–he sure as hell won’t. Marriage is very financially risky for women, all the more so when your husband refuses to let you create and preserve income/assets for yourself. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by  Speck_.
Post # 10
Member
963 posts
Busy bee

This…. would be very, very disturbing to me.

I work in finance, and I’m all for prenups. Fiance and don’t have much in the way of assets, but still plan to draft something simple. I understanding that some people (myself included) look at marriage statistics logically and enter into a union realizing that even with all of the love and dedication in the world, many relationships don’t make it. This is on a whole other level of paranoid and controlling.

I definitely would like to keep my investments and my assets in my name after marriage as they pre-exist our union, but what’s mine is in essence FI’s. We will live on my income and my savings while paying back his med school debt, becase I love him and I support him and I am okay using “my” money to help him because that’s way a marriage is.

Until you can come up with an equitable solution, I would not marry this man. He essentially wants to make you completely reliant on him, and his attitude is extremely callous and worrying.

ETA: I agree with the other bees. If you stay with him, you need your own nest egg. Start putting money away now, even if it’s only a few hundred dollars a month. You don’t want to find yourself with nothing if he decides he’s done with you after forcing your back against the wall like this.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by  raliel.
Post # 11
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
anon112233:  He is carrying his issues with his previous relationship into this one. You guys need to get into counseling asap. Also if he is soooo concerned about money, maybe you should price out childcare, house keeping, accountant/Receptionist for his business, and maybe add in personal chef. Than show him how much you should be getting paid by him for doing everything you are doing. 

Post # 12
Member
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

He is bringing his baggage into your relationship and it’s not something yo will change. Personally, I would not marry him. What if he gets hit by a truck tomorrow? What do you do to protect yourself and a child then? Ridiculous.

Post # 14
Member
4810 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
anon112233:  He is ascribing his ex’s personality to you, which is unfair.  If you want to stay with him, I suggest counselling and a pre-nup.  Working out the terms of the pre nup could be a very good discussion starter when (if) he is ready to see you and YOU and not as his ex.

 

Post # 15
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Sorry…he sounds like a d*ck.

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