(Closed) Apparently I'm entitled to… Nothing :-(

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
1740 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Did you say that you run the business?  Did I understand that correctly?  If so, he is delusional to think that you don’t have a right to something (he’s delusional anyway, but even more so if you run his business).  So if I understood you correctly (and correct me if I’m wrong), I suspect it’s a scenario such as he’s a contractor (electrician, plumber, etc.) and you stay at home and handle the admin side of things .  When I worked in insurance t his was almost always the case with contractors.  And the contractors who didn’t have wives at home running the admin side never seemed to have their shit together — always missed payments, audits, etc.  If I’m understanding you correctly, you need to tell him in no uncertain terms that since he is distinguishing between what is his and what is yours, you need to start drawing a salary.  Now.  Otherwise, you will figure out some other way to make money, because you have no choice but to secure your financial future.

Post # 32
Member
5940 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

I feel like it’s not all about the pre-nup or lawyer or whatever. I think it’s a huge red flag the way he is speaking (screaming!) to/at you and how you are viewed in his eyes. I think counseling is a for sure if you think this can be saved. And then yes, also look into the laws in your state. You need to be covered in case of anything: break up, he gets hit by a bus, blah blah blah.

Post # 33
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee

I am going to be the minority in this group, but I actually understand where he is coming from…

1. He built his business before and got cleaned out…the fact of the matter is, if he did it ONCE without you, he could do it a second time – he is trying to be smarter for HIMSELF this time…as somoene who has built my own business, I COMPLETELY understand his mindset

2. You came to the table with nothing…the person people divorce is NOT the same person they marry…very rarely does anyone walk away from a divorce and say “ok, you giving me less than 50% is fair”…I am not sure that has EVER happened.

3. You had a child before getting married…guessing this child was not planned…I am sure some part of him worries this child would/could be your meal ticket if things go south. 

4. You didn’t finish college and you don’t work outside of the home/his business – you aren’t putting yourself in a very good position if things don’t work out…you are not employable (certainly not to the standard he is providing you)…NO woman should be in that position

I completely understand him wanting a prenup and wanting to keep things in his name…he also needs to protect the child/children he had with his first wife. If something should happen to him, THEY need to be provided for BEFORE you and your child.

You are a grown woman – I think you need to evaluate some of your choices before it is too late. If you ARE that intregal in his business, I would insist on him paying you a salary and you should be putting some of that money away for a “rainy day”…if he doesn’t see that as appropriate, you need to find work outside of the home and let him figure out his business himself.

God forbid, he dies – I wouldn’t be surprised if his children are the beneficiaries on his life insurance (often a stipulation in a divorce) …where does that leave you?? 

Post # 34
Member
5870 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

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anon112233:  YIKES.  Your man is messed up.  It sounds like he still has major baggage that he should deal with prior to you two getting married.  I would STRONGLY suggest that you DO get a pre-nup to protect both of you going into marriage.  It sounds like this would do a lot for his peace of mind, and it would also protect you from his apparently crazy ideas about money.  It sounds like the pre-marriage counceling that you guys need.

If your Fiance has the mentality that “he made the money and it belongs to him” you are in a very bad position as a Stay-At-Home Mom and an (I assume) unpaid employee of his business.  I would consider the following strategies:

  1. Discuss being paid as an employee for the labor you contribute to his business and split your finances in an equitable way.
  2. Persue work outside of the home and split your finances in an equitable way.  This will give you more independence long term as you’ll have a more marketable skill set, and will fufill his wishto keep your money seperate.
  3. Encourage him to get counceling for his trust issues.  
  4. See a financial advisor who can help you unwind which parts of your life should be financially intertwined (example, home ownership & home insurance policy) and which parts should be kept seperate (example, business ownership).
  5. Don’t marry him and look for someone else who understands the meaning of partnership.

Good luck bee.  This is a really tough siutaiton, especially as you already have a child together!   I hope you can work it out.

Post # 35
Member
698 posts
Busy bee

This is a very slippery slope. 

Flash forward 10-15 years. He leaves you for some tight bodied chick and you have nothing. NOTHING. Not even a freaking car note in your name and I doubt any credit. This is how women get themselves into trouble. You may want to leave, but can’t because you don’t have $20 in your pocket. Literally.

Also, he pays the bills? That means HE controls the money. HE controls the bank accounts. If you can say yes to the following, you may be ok – 1. Do you have a list of all the bank accounts? 2. Can you log on at anytime and look at the balances? 3. Do you have debit cards/credit cards that tie to those accounts?

If you answered No. You better get smart and quit playing wifey. I have seen this too many times. I am not saying you shouldn’t marry him, but you better get your head out of the clouds and start  being financially smart and start a game plan for YOU and YOUR child. 

I have seen too many men take women to the cleaners because the wife had no fingers in finances and left it all up to her husband. It may be great now to not have to deal with bills/financing/etc… but that could also put you in a bad bad place if the shiz hits the fan.

Post # 36
Member
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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ct2015: 

“he also needs to protect the child/children he had with his first wife. If something should happen to him, THEY need to be provided for BEFORE you and your child.”

the child in question is THEIR CHILD. So yes, that child would be equally entitled to something. 

Post # 37
Member
698 posts
Busy bee

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ct2015:  I actually appreciate this perspective! There are a lot of valid points.

I guess my thing is… you gotta be smart. Be involved. If I decided to be a Stay-At-Home Mom, the hubs said he wants me to handle all finances. Partially because I am more business savy, but because if he works, he wants me to run the house. I am game for this. I pay all bills now with our income.

A guy I used to work with did everything. Payed bills, managed accounts and worked. His wife had no clue about any finances. She just ran around town and shopped. Guess what? He also had side accounts where he was hiding money. That was an eye opener!

Post # 38
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee

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MrsFG2016:  

No – HE has a child with his FIRST wife too….THEN they have a child together…if wife number 1 was smart, part of her divorce agreement would be the security of THEIR child…that is why many divorced men don’t want/can’t afford a second family…they recognize their financial obligtion to their first.

Post # 39
Member
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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ct2015:  oh buzz off. I’m not an idiot. But if you are a parent, if you AS A MAN, decided to stick your penis in a woman that you weren’t married to and got her pregnant as well, then you have an EQUAL obligation to that child as well. One child is not more important or worthy of more because their parents were married at the time of conception. That’s absolutely asinine. 

Post # 40
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee

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MrsFG2016:  

Actually, I know SEVERAL men who were ASSURED the women were on birth control when they got pregnant…the fact of the matter is, back when I was in my teens and 20s, there was a certain element of shame associated with getting pregnant out of wedlock and it was FAR less prevalent than it is now…now it is considered not only “acceptable”, but somewhat “normal” (which is another topic for discussion) 

Also, as a WOMAN, I always knew it was MY responsibility NOT to get pregnant…it is MY body and I would be the one carrying a child if that should happen…I also believe as a WOMAN, you should be able to take care of YOURSELF and NOT depend on a man for ANYTHING. It is one thing to be “partners”, but that needs to be discussed and agreed upon by BOTH parties – not forced through a situation.

Post # 41
Member
15132 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

While it’s shitty that you are being punished for her actions, can you really blame him.  You SAY you would never take his business or be like the ex wife… you say that today, not as a woman going through a divorce.  Say anything you want today, there is zero guarentee unless stated in a prenup that that is exactly what you will do if that day came.  So, while some call him a dick, I think he’s just smarter today about the notion of love and forever, and covering his ass. 

So since you are a Stay-At-Home Mom, do you get “paid” by him right now for helping with his business?  If so, I’d just start socking all that way for my just in case fund.  Sounds like he pays the mortgage and all the bills so there could be a pretty comfy fund there for just you.  If not, how do you get your spending money now?

As for the prenup, that is meant to protect both of you.  Unfortunately, you’ve left yourself with no degree and no work experience.  In the ideal world, a prenup would provide you compensation for your loss wages and experience for not working and tending to him and his child. You’re in a pretty vulnerable situation, but being a Stay-At-Home Mom is a luxury, maybe one you can’t truely “afford”.  If he’s being a hardass about the prenup, then maybe it’s time to get back out into the work force to make sure you can fend for youself.  Or demand to be paid livable “wages” from him that you can tuck away in your own account.   If you love him and dont want to leave him, but don’t want to be up shit creek without a paddle should thing take a turn for the worse, it’s time to start thinking in a way that protects yourself too.

Post # 42
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I agree with

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Bridey77: !  Get a lawyer to protect yourself!  If you aren’t working then you are entitled to something, specially if you are “working” for him.  If he doesn’t feel like you are (entitled) then I would promptly tell him that you will be looking for a job and opening your own accounts.   Being a stay at home mom is wonderful, but if something were to happen you can’t make a living off of nothing.   

 

Post # 43
Member
1740 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

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ct2015:  While I agree that the OP doesn’t have a right to the business, or to everything he owns, he does  owe her something on 2 counts:  1.  She is working for his business, which he would otherwise have to do himself, taking time away from the other aspects of his work, or he would have to hire someone else to do; 2.  She is caring for his house, and presumably him, and his/their kid, which definitely saves him time and money.  If she weren’t cooking, cleaning, and taking care of other household responsibilities, he would have to do it himself, which would significantly cut into the time he spends working and/or relaxing, and if she weren’t caring for their kid, he would have to pay someone else to – and daycare is beyond ridiculously expensive, even if he is only obligated to pay half (with her paying the other half).   So maybe she’s not entitled to half the business, but she is entitled to much more than nothing.  

Also, I’m pretty sure that in her OP she stated that when they first got together he had nothing and she helped him pay his bills.  If that’s the case, then she has  helped him build this business from the start, which would mean that she is entitled to a pretty decent percentage of it.  If he had it already up and running and was wildly successful before she came along, I would be more inclined to agree with you.  But that doesn’t appear to the case.

Post # 44
Member
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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ct2015:  um ok. Good for you. 😒 the “several men” you knew apparently also needed to remember how to put on a condom. 

Post # 45
Member
1017 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Honestly, because you are a Stay-At-Home Mom, you should be wanting a pre-nup.  You should be the one insisting on it to ensure that if you do get divorced, you will be able to still resume the same quality of life that you have now.  Think of it as a way to protect yourself so that you don’t get nothing. 

If the pre-nup he wants leaves you with nothing (which probably wouldn’t ever hold up if you can prove he’s been supporting you), then I wouldn’t marry him.  Why would you want to be with a guy that would leave you homeless and starving if you broke up.

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