(Closed) Apparently I'm entitled to… Nothing :-(

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 76
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee

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ct2015:  No it’s not. My Biological dad left my mother, had another family, and we saw nothing from him. To say that is how it’s done in the U.S. is a lie. 

We would like to see that being the case, but it’s not. I know many people who left their families, started another family, and basically forgot about their first children. There are many ways around the system of “child support”, and sometimes it’s easier for the main provider to let the deadbeat disappear in the background, than fight to get financial support.

 

Post # 77
Member
1001 posts
Bumble bee

If he wants your to continue as a stay at home mother/primary caretaker in the household, and does not want to acknowledge that this position entitles you to equal rights to the household assets, then he needs to start paying you as a full-time employee (a nanny/housekeeper) with wages commensurate to that position in your area.  This will allow you to build work history (since you would be working for him or his business) as well as personal savings.  If he is unwilling to do that, then he needs to hire an actual nanny/housekeeper so that you can pursue your own career/job so that you can build savings on your own.  This isn’t about you trying to take his assets away from him.  This about you ensuring that you have some assets of your own, regardless of what he has going on.

Post # 78
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee

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Shoot4theMoon:  

It’s not a lie! I am sorry that wasn’t how it worked out for your family and it isn’t the case for EVERY family, it is however a POSSIBILITY and it IS the case when women are SMART about their divorces.

Post # 79
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee

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Shoot4theMoon:  

Not for nothing, but what self respecting woman would WANT a guy that left his first family high and dry?!?!

Post # 80
Member
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Leaving aside the fact that he seems to own everything and you have nothing, you really don’t want to enter into a marriage with a man who thinks this way.

My Future Father-In-Law is just like this…for the 46 years he’s been married to Future Mother-In-Law, it’s always been ‘his money’ and ‘her money’…he nickel and dimes Future Mother-In-Law to death, even over sums as low as £1 (65 cents).  I’ve witnessed it, and it made my blood boil.

Future Mother-In-Law recently retired at the age of 66, on health grounds.  She’s worked since Fiance was in primary school.  FFIL works for a international car company, and gets to lease vehicles at a very high discount, approx 75%. He persuaded Future Mother-In-Law to give up the car she owned outright about 3 years ago, to take advantage of the leasing.  The carrot he used is that they could change vehicles every 6 months.  FMIL ended up giving her own car away to a family friend. 

Future Father-In-Law has just taken FMIL’s car off her, as ‘punishment’ for her retiring… she’s so upset that she’s now back looking for work. 

(as a side note, he’s also told Future Mother-In-Law twice recently that he no longer loves her.  I think he’s ‘clearing the decks’ to leave)

Your FI’s attitude is a horrible one to have.  I was royally hosed by my first husband in our divorce.  I came away with £7K, he owns our house which is now worth £200K.   I don’t assume that my now Fiance is going to treat me the same way.  But I am sensible enough to make sure that I protect myself and my finances in case he has a brainstorm one day and decides to leave.  

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Polyphemus is right.  You really need to start protecting yourself and your child. 

Post # 81
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee

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ct2015:  How many times have we seen on these boards, women turning blind eyes to red flags in the name of love? Young age, naive, “love”, falling for lines, general dumbness…. List can go on and on. 

And everything is possible. It’s the reality that often trumps “possibilties”. But to be fair, for every dead beat dad, there are equally gold digging women that use children for monetary gain. *sigh*

Post # 83
Member
15135 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Truely curious, but to everyone saying they wouldn’t marry this man until this is settled, isn’t she already about 8 years too late for that.  She’d be just as f’ked today if he walked away than if she were married and got divorced.  She has zip to her name right now and no assets all the same.

Post # 84
Member
550 posts
Busy bee

I would get your own attorney and start lining up your up ducks. I left my job per my dh request to follow him to another country and support him and then was a sahw and sahm. He wanted a prenup which disgusted me because I gave up everything to support him . Once I took out my emotions i got a kick ass lawyer and, combine with his being a moron, I have a nice little prenup that gives me security and only discusses assets prior to marriage. once we were married everything is ours.

Post # 85
Member
4235 posts
Honey bee

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anon112233:  

” I think things would be very different if he hadn’t been burned before, and it’s not that he doesnt provide for me or the children because he does, and I dont think if we ever split he would leave me high and dry, its more so an issue of things being joint that bother me so much, because i consider everything I have to be ours… “

 

Herein lies one of your main impasses. I hope you review your situation, but, ultimately, it is your life and if you choose to play with fire then you’re willing to gamble on the burn. I think you’ll find the general consensus here on the Bee is to avoid such a gamble. Just my $0.02.

Post # 87
Member
12 posts
Newbee

I apologize if someone has already commented on this (I tried to read all other comments first). Am I reading your planned wedding date correctly? November 2024? And you’ve already been together 8 years and have a child? He’s not going to marry you until your kid is grown and out of the house?

Why is the wedding date so far out? And no, I’d be having doubts about him as marriage material….Cover your ass first so you can be the mother your child needs you to be if things “happen.” Your child should be TOP PRIORITY, and I’m sure you know that. No one will look out for you best other than yourself. You can do this!

Post # 88
Member
3212 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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bittykitty67:  she’s a regular bee posting anonymously. Of course she didn’t put her regular wedding date.

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anon112233:  this man needs counselling before the two of you settle down. He needs to realize that a) you are not his ex wife, b) not all women inherently want to take their husbands to the cleaners, c) the way he is treating you leaves you (AND his children by you) severely disadvantaged in case of death or a split, and d) is illegal (you need to have an employee record and pay taxes, thereby leaving a paper trail of your employment in case his business were to fail and you were to need employment insurance. Or social security once you retire, or a government mandated pension, depending on where you live. Listing you as an employee does not on any way mean you are entitled to the business if you break up. That’s silly! it would be like saying when I was a teenager and worked at McDonald’s, the franchisee owed me shares when I quit.

I think (should you get that prenup) you both need a lawyer from the beginning of the draft process. And that lawyer of yours can explain what’s legally due you, which is a fuck of a lot more than you would ask for. And I think you should go with that. 

Actually, I think that the process of GETTING a prenup would probably destroy your relationship, if this guy acts the way he has been acting. Which may not necessarily be a bad thing so long as you walk away with the fruits of your labour and child support.

Post # 89
Member
12 posts
Newbee

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babeba:  Yes, I do realize she is posting anonymously. I would never have guessed the wedding date needed to be anonymous as well. Thanks for clearing that up.

Post # 90
Member
448 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry, Bee. I’m not sure what else you can do to convince him you’re not after his money after spending 8 years caring for his home, business, and child. The fact is that you’re either a team or you’re not. It’s alarming that he’s so blinded by his fear of your getting his money that he doesn’t see that he’s destroying your relationship and also hurting your child (because if something happened to him, you wouldn’t be the beneficiary of anything that could help you care for your child).

Financial abuse is real. I know because I’ve been there. Financial abusers like control; they will put up barriers to you making your own money (i.e. not ‘letting’ you finish school, having you as their employee but not acknowledging it legally/publicly) to keep you dependent. You’re expected to be grateful because they pay all the bills, but they aren’t grateful you’re running the household or at their beck and call. Meanwhile everyone thinks you’re “so lucky!” because you’re “being taken care of”. You need to set the wheels in motion to be able to take care of yourself in the event that this relationship implodes. Finish college, ask to be recognized as an employee in the business; if he refuses, find another job. If he loves you, instead of just seeing you as free labor and childcare, he’ll support your goals and dreams. His reaction will be telling of his true opinions and intentions. 

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