(Closed) Apparently I'm entitled to… Nothing :-(

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 91
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

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anon112233:  I strongly agree with PP, this is financial abuse. “My ex wife took me to the cleaners :’-(” isn’t an excuse for screaming at you over the ring insurance or emotionally blackmailing you whenever you dare act as a spouse and not an indentured servant. He’s controlling you and keeping you dependent on him, and that’s not loving, it’s abusive and scary. 

He’s not just protecting “himself” or his personal assets. He’s actively preventing you from creating/preserving your own, and screaming “MINE!” like a spoiled child if you dare lay a finger on any of the wealth YOU helped create. How much back pay does he owe you as a child care provider/housekeeper/personal chef/personal assistant for the last eight years? You think his business and his finances would be what they are today without you sacrificing your own financial security to carry him through rough patches and acting as unpaid support labor for how many years? Please. He’s a selfish, greedy prick and his loyalty is to himself, not you. 

Lastly, paying you under the table is dicey at best. The Feds really hate to be cheated out of taxes. And if you’re not convinced this is connected to the abuse: if you were to “quit” your work for him tomorrow to find a real job to provide for yourself, do you think he would be supportive? Or do you think he would lose his shit and berate you for harming his business and making your child a burden and hurting him just like his ex wife did? 

Post # 92
Member
270 posts
Helper bee

I just wanted to say how I am sorry you are going through this, it sounds really hard and no wonder it is so upsetting.  I totally understand that you want to feel like you have something that is ‘ours.’  I really hope you can sort this out before getting married because I don’t understand how people can take into marriage a mindset of ‘mine’ and ‘yours.’  The very essence of marriage is ‘joining your lives together.’  It is this selfish thinking, that is the main contributor to the staggering divorce rate in my opinion.  I agree with those who recommend couples and individual counseling.  Even after 8 years it would appear that he has not fully processed the hurt from his divorce and I believe strongly that this needs to be addressed before he can commit himself wholly to another marriage.  All the best to you.

Post # 93
Member
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I feel that 8 years was enough time for him to be able to start trusting you. 

Go find a job. Then get rid of his sorry ass! Maybe that’s why his ex left him.

You don’t want your child to think that it’s ok to treat you like this. 

Post # 94
Member
1110 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Soooo, first of all, you need to calm down and do some research.

Whether your name is on that house, that mortgage, his bank account, etc…as his wife, you have legal rights.  So, talk to a lawyer, know your rights.

 

Also, he sounds like a bag of dicks.  And you deserve better.  

And I don’t even know you.

Post # 95
Member
1110 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Soooo, first of all, you need to calm down and do some research.

Whether your name is on that house, that mortgage, his bank account, etc…as his wife, you have legal rights.  So, talk to a lawyer, know your rights.

Also, he sounds like a bag of dicks.  And you deserve better.  

And I don’t even know you.

Post # 96
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

View original reply
MissCaraMia:  they’re not married yet. 

So sorry you’re going through this OP. You deserve better!

Post # 97
Member
1254 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

OP – just wanted to point out that paying you under the table is also hurting you because you are not building social securit. And yes, If you get married and stay married you will be entitled to some portion of his benefits but that is always risky.

Post # 98
Member
573 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

The minute you bring up a pre nuptial agreement he will RUN.  The minute you bring up how he would financially help with HIS child he will RUN.  He sounds horrible.  You’ve put all your eggs in his basket and he will not share.  The minute you quit working for him he will see how much you are “worth” to him.  He’s saved hundreds of thousands of dollars by having you work for him.

You 2 are NOT partners and he does not look at you that way.

Get all of you financial ducks in a row.  Get your stuff together.  Get out now and build a life for yourself and your chilld.  But be ready that he will not help you in any way.

Post # 99
Member
458 posts
Helper bee

My thoughts are that his ex may have had good reason to leave, and that he has perhaps demonized her unnecessarily. I’m not convinced that she is some hag who has traumatized him with her gold digging ways. Myguess is that she had to deal with the same issues which are now confronting you, and she took the kid and bailed.

I think counseling, both individually and as a couple, is the way to go.

Protect yourself and your child, bee. I’m wishing you all the best of luck.

Post # 100
Member
1019 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

View original reply
girlseeksring:  Yup! I’d be very interested to hear the ex’s side of the story. In fact, if I were OP and not currently packing my bags I’d do my best to have a chat with the ex. 

There’s his side, her side, and then the truth which likely lies somewhere in the middle. 

Post # 101
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

If you’re working for the business, you need to be paid a wage.  It would probably be advantageous from a tax point of view for him (assuming his money is your money and your money is his money. . .which doesn’t sound like the case, unfortunately).  If he doesn’t like this arrangement, he can hire someone to do what you do and you can take a job outside of the home.  You need to start building your own little nest egg just in case.  Your standard of living could go from what it is now to couch surfing or living at the mercy of family/friends if he blows up and decides that it’s over. 

Also, don’t let him talk you out of spousal/child support which you are entitled to.  Protecting yourself because you made sacrifices for the team isn’t gold digging.  I think you need an impartial 3rd party to sit with the two of you and explain this so he gets it.  

Post # 102
Member
1306 posts
Bumble bee

This guy is clearly not over his ex and doesn’t sound like marriage material.

If I were you OP, I would take my child and move out and try to pick up the pieces.  Document any behavior you can.

I’m aware walking away with nothing would suck, but this is your life.  Don’t drag your kid through this either by staying with him.  He’s proven to you for 8 years this is who he is.

Post # 103
Member
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

 

View original reply
Whirlwind03:  +1000 

OP, this is a thing you should really think about. If you’re helping the business to operate, but only his social security is being built up, you’re in for a lot of pain down the line. I’ll bet he thinks his retirement money is HIS too.

Post # 104
Member
2692 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

WOw, I am just, wow.  No words.  I get he was burned before but to have those feeling towards you when they are unwaranted is just no OK.  You guys have a home together, a child, a life.  You can’t get married with such HUGE trust issues in the way.  Counseling first before you take that next step.  I get his concerns but he should have had a talk with you and sought help before the relationship got to this point imo.

My hubby is building a business now but even if he had this built up before I met him and I was helping him with it, there is no way I would sign a preup just because he didn’t want me to benefit from his success.  We are a team.  It is his business but you should get something for all your hard work too.  So he is not into the “what’s mine is yours” mentality but his mentality should not be “it’s all mine, not yours” either.

Post # 105
Member
2466 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 1995

Okay I have not read through all of the replies yet but I will. However I just wanted to say that this is a very dangerous situation on many accounts. If he were to leave you, you have nothing and no way to support yourself or your child. That is absolutely unacceptable. Also in the tragic event of his death you will have no right to the assets. Everything will go to probate. Again you and the child will be left with no way to support yourself. If he is hospitalized you will not be allowed to visit or make any medical decisions on his behalf unless he has paperwork stating that you have this right. You are basically penniless jobless and completely dependent upon him and his whims. If he wants to include you support you and be kind he can and if he wants to pull the rug out from under you he can. This is no way to live! I would absolutely put my foot down and say that you are going to become independent – get your own job, pay for your own stuff, and possibly move out until he can see that a partnership is the only way a marriage can work. Technically you do not even own a car! He is treating you like a servant. This is so so wrong .  I had an aunt who was treated the exact same way. Even when she went to work all of her pay checks were deposited into his account. Eventually when his kids were grown and he no longer needed her he left her.  My parents had to buy her a car and a place to live and support her until she could get a job and get on her feet . Please don’t allow yourself to ever be in that situation.  You do not deserve this . You are not his ex after all and you should not be punished for what she has done.

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