(Closed) Apparently I’m the Bitch Today (NWR Vent)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

This is a tough situation.  He knows he has to lose weight…he knows when he’s eating too much…and when you point it out, it’s hard to take.  That’s all.  He wants to be in control, but he’s not.  I suggest talking to him in a gentle, caring way.  Tell him that you will be supportive of his weight loss efforts and will try not to say anything if he decides to stray from those efforts.  I am the one who is constantly dieting/going off diet and Fiance can eat all he wants with no consequences (seriously…he is trying to gain weight now and can’t).  It’s tough.  I told him straight out that I know when I’m being bad and I asked him not to say anything about it.  I will talk to him when I need help.  He was receptive.  Sorry, there is no good answer here!

And yes, he should tell you when something bothers him and not bottle it all up.  I’d talk to him about that too.  Things will not change over night, but can change.

Post # 4
6830 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Okay badgering him about his weight and how much he eats is not going to make him lose weight. The only way he will lose weight is if he wants to lose it.   Believe me I know I am plus size woman.  And the only way I am going to lose weight if I actually watch what I eat and exercise. By getting upset at your Fiance for how much he eats is not helping the situation. 

Post # 5
3176 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I can completely relate. FH is the SAME way. He constantly says he needs to lose weight and he’s right he does but he has no self control. I will make dinner and then he asks if he can order pizza. We got out for dinner and he finishes my meal. We order pizza and I have to grab my slices so he doesn’t eat the whole thing. For every one bite I take, FH takes 10. It can be very frustrating and there is a fine line between helping and hurting.

Like the hot dog situation, FH could easily eat 6 where I can only eat 2. A possible alternative would be to tell him to just make 4 and if he’s still hungry after he eats he can make more (I know FH is usually too lazy to “cook” again. I will admit sometimes I tell him to stop inhaling his food and I get irritated when he downs an entire meal before mine is cool enough to eat. Seriously I feel like I’ve become a speed eater because I hate that he finishes his food before I am done and will then start in on mine.

Post # 6
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Ok, there are so many more issues at work here than simple “self control.” I can understand that it is frustrating to you that he complains about something that seems to you to have such a clear solution. However, it is likely that he is overeating for emotional reasons that are exacerbated by you criticizing his food choices. I would recommend reassuring him that you love him at any size, but that you find it difficult to hear him constantly speak poorly of himself and that you’re not sure how to support him in his endeavors. Try asking him what would be most helpful for him. Seriously! Just be prepared that the response you may get is that he simply wants you to back off and to listen to him when he needs to vent. Then I would recommend helping him find a good therapist who might help him work through whatever issues are causing his overeating.

I think it’s great that you care about him enough to want to try and help him get healthier, but overeating is often a VERY touchy subject and more often than not, attempts to “help” end up making things worse.

Post # 7
2792 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I definitely think that you need to go about this in a different way. Making hurtful comments and badgering someone about their weight will only fuel the fire, and hurt your relationship. Try talking to him in a 100% supportive manner, and it will get you a lot farther.

And just a suggestion… if you really want to help him, maybe you shouldn’t suggest hot dogs of all things for lunch. Why don’t you cook him up something new, yummy & healthy to try, so your support is coming through in your actions as well as your words.

Post # 8
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

Darling Husband is 380lbs. He talks about losing weight all of the time. He’s actually 80lbs lighter than a year ago. So he’s huge essentially. He’s always going to be a big a guy he’s 6’5″, but he needs to lose 100lbs or so according to the doctor.

I really wanted to support him and help him through it and at times I would freak out about the amount of food he would consume or sneaking McD’s and stuff. It would piss me off. I did a little google searching and discovered that me mentioning it to him, just hurts him, makes him resent me, and doesn’t really solve his eating issue because more than likely he over eats as a coping mechanism for his emotions. In the article I read it stated that I should offer healthy suggestions for support for instance. Make a lasagna and say that a 4″ by 4″ piece is the suggested serving size and then let him make his choices.  If he choses to eat a bigger piece that’s up to him, but attempting to control him (eating habits) isn’t supporting him and he probably views it as the opposite of support.

EDIT: Because I’m super proud of my big sexy man beast he’s lost 22lbs in the last 18 days. He’s doing so well, even while making poor decisions, all on his own.

Post # 9
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

First, being visibly upset about this is only going to stress him out more. Secondly, he should be losing weight because he and you want him to be HEALTHY, not because the wedding is coming up.

Third, losing weight is ROUGH. He has to want to do it for himself of course, but he needs support, not pressure. I know personally when I wanted to lose 20 pounds (and did) my husband was amazingly supportive. He went on walks with me, threw out all the junk in the house, didn’t buy soda and if he ever got fast food I didn’t know about it. You guys are supposed to be on each other’s team. Stop being negative and get back to being his teammate.

Post # 10
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I’m sorry you’re in this situation.  🙁  It sucks.  I’ve totally been there.   My husband is (and pretty much always has been) overweight, as well, and it’s hard to try and be supportive and empathetic all the time.  It’s hard to listen to someone you care about talk about how much their weight affects their lives, emotions, self-confidence, etc… and yet they don’t have the motivation to make those changes that would improve their health and self-image. 

It sounds like you already feel bad about the hot dog incident because you know it wasn’t the most sensitive way to approach the subject.  Cut yourself a little slack; we’re all insensitive sometimes.  You just need to find a constructive way to support him without it coming off as criticsim.  I”ve found, what works with my husband, is being his own personal cheerleader.  When makes a good choice, I applaud him for it, and tell him how proud I am.  When he makes a bad choice, I just don’t mention it at all.  When he runs on the treadmill in the mornings and I know he’s having a hard time pushing through to the end, our daughter and I cheer him on until he finishes.  It works for us, and I’ve seen a big change in his attitude (toward me and twoard getting healthier) as a result.  Obviously you love and support him; you just want to make sure he always feels like you’re his ally and not a critic.

Post # 11
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’ve also been in this situation before and it is a tough tough position to be in. My EX was actually obese according to the doctor and while it didn’t bother me in the least, it caused him all kinds of emotional issues. He hated being so heavy and felt totally helpless like it was out of his control. He also had issues with food, he would eat waay too much every meal then feel really bad about it afterwards. 

It puts you in a tough position because while your SO wants you to help him cut back, he also doesn’t want to feel guilty if he’s bad, which he inevitably will be since he’s human. So it actually might make him lash out at you or become secretive about what he eats. I used to just listen to my EX and be a shoulder to cry on when he was feeling down about it, but I stayed totally mum when he overate in front of me. He’s an adult ultimately and should be the one to decide how much he eats. When I was preparing his plate I would give him a normal portion, I would try to help out in other more subtle ways.

I agree with the advice Mrs. Spring gave about applauding him when he has small victories and ignoring bad choices. I was never able to successfully help my Ex reach his goals (his wife is now responsible for that), but I’m sure if my Darling Husband had this same problem we would have success with this method.

Post # 12
3011 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

J is obese, really.  I love him to death and fell in love with him the way that he is, but I’m beginning to worry about his health.  1) he has a hernia that’s bothering him more than ever now and 2) his breathing hasn’t seemed all too well.  

He constantly talks about wanting to lose weight (as do I), but he always seems to jump off track within a few weeks.  I’ve done everything that I possibly could.  I got upset with him yesterday when I found out he had McDonald’s for lunch rather than the stuff I went and bough specifically for him to eat.  

I always want to interject, but I usually keep my mouth closed because I don’t want him to take it the wrong way.  I just don’t want him to die of a heart attack or have any serious health problems.  Especially at such a young age. 🙁

Post # 13
548 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I’m just going to add my two cents in as an overweight woman.  I’ve had weight issues my entire life…and I will tell you that having people in my life who pestered me constantly about my weight did nothing for me.  It wasn’t until I got together with my Fiance and he supported me in my weight loss and didn’t make me feel bad, did I really start to lose weight.  It helps that he also is losing weight and eating healthy.  So I think if you want to him to eat healthy, you need to be eating what he’s eating – the healthy stuff that is…and I can tell you right now, most hot dogs don’t fit that bill.

Also, like some of the PPs have said, if he does stray a little bit don’t get on his case…that won’t help.  I know it’s frustrating, but you really need to be patient.  Weight doesn’t come on overnight, and it won’t come off that way too.

And it really needs to be presented that you want him HEALTHIER, not slimmer.  For example, my diabetes has improved immensely (blood sugars are better, a1c test is fantastic) and my cholesterol is normal now.  Tell him you want him healthier because you want to spend a good number of years with him and it would break your heart for that to be cut short.

Post # 14
3758 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I just wanted to say that I am basically the same way as your Fiance and bothering him about it (most likely) WILL NOT HELP lol. I complain to him about my weight all the time so my Fiance was always pestering me about what I was eating and telling me what I could or could not eat and it only made things worse because I ended up getting mad at him for it. Most of the time for me it is the tone he has, there is a difference between nagging and being truly caring and encouraging. I am not saying you are nagging him but I know I felt like it sometimes even though he swore he wasn’t. Just try to remember to be supportive and loving because he needs it, having self control can be REALLY hard 🙂 

Post # 15
1227 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@soon2bhis: Awwww. Reading your post made me sad. If someone were to make a similar comment to me (btw, I don’t know exactly what you said, I just assume it was something like, “You’re going to eat all four of those?”…perhaps you were gentler than that?), I’d totally not want to eat any of them, either. Comments about my weight, dieting, etc when I’m getting ready to eat make me not want to eat. It’s just how I am, maybe your Fiance is like that, too?

I agree it’s a tough situation you are in. I feel like it’s kind of like being supportive of a partner who’s trying to quit smoking. It won’t happen until they are ready to do it for real, so you just try and offer as much positive support as you can all throughout the process.

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