- 4 years ago
Earlier this year I was wracked with anxiety at the state of my relationship with my SO. And it brought up a lot of issues I realised I had to overcome if I wanted a long-term future with him.
A few years ago, I watched my Mum go through a horrifying divorce – my ex-step-father had 20+ affairs and stole lots of money from my Mum. Trying to protect my Mum from more pain, and also protect my half-sisters (his biological children) I put myself in the middle of the relationship war zone. It wasn’t pretty.
Around the time of the separation and the beginning of the divorce proceedings, I started seeing my SO. He had only been a few months out of a very long, serious relationship that went pear-shaped. We were both incredibly hesistant about seeing one another, despite having lots of fun when we were together. We both struggled through the beginning because of our previous personal hurt. We each, at different times, tried to break up out of fear of falling in love. It took 8 months for us to define us as being in a relationship.
FAST FORWARD 4+ YEARS:
We have now beeen living together over two years and earlier this year we bought a dog. We’ve been through a lot together. I’m incredibly thankful to have him in my life. BUT, after lots of friends I went to school with and then my best friend have gotten engaged/married/fallen pregnant, and us both hitting age milestones (25 me, 30 him) I began assessing our relationship. Scutinising, actually.
I realised that after almost 5 years of being together in one way or another, that we needed to talk about where the relationship was heading. I was particularly nervous after realising within myself that I don’t want to ever be with another man. I want him by my side for the rest of my life.
That was a HUGE realisation for me, because despite seeing a psychologist after my Mum’s messy ordeal, I still have insecurities about love and relationships. For the most part, I can recognise these insecurities have no merit and I shouldn’t pay them any attention. My SO loves me, and I love him. He is very loving and caring.
We had a conversation (a couple actually) about marriage and came to the conclusion that, yes, it was in our future to marry each other. I was very happy he and I were on the same page. But the more I helped my bestie and other friends with engagagements and weddings, the more I struggled to fight my relationship insecurities.
I started getting annoyed at things that never much bothered me before. I was moody and sometimes distant. I turned him down for sex. It wasn’t pretty. I was ruining our otherwise really good relationship.
THE REALISATION THAT APPRECIATION WINS:
After my SO asked if I actually still wanted to be with him – because he wasn’t feeling very loved – I realised I either had to grow the f*ck up or let him go. Letting him go wasn’t an option for me. I do love him. More than anyone and anything.
So I created a Twitter account (not under my name) to post to every time he did something that made me smile and feel happy. It could just be that he sent me a sweet text message or that he showed he listened to me, or even that he made a sweet gesture (like getting me flowers). I try to post several times a week.
AND IT’S WORKED!
Any time I have anxiety about our future, I look at those tweets and remind myself how truly wonderful he is to me. It helps put silly arguments into perspective and realise we’re in this together. We’re not engaged yet, but I’m at peace with that. We have discussed timelines to get engaged by the end of next year and I’m happy with that.
SO IF YOU’RE WAITING AND GETTING ANXIOUS, THINK INSTEAD ABOUT ALL THE GREAT THINGS YOUR S/O DOES. THINK OF ALL THE THINGS THAT MAKE YOU WANT TO MARRY HIM. YOUR RELATIONSHIP WILL BE BETTER FOR IT. MINE IS!
- This topic was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by wannabewed.