(Closed) Apprehensive about sharing bed with FH after wedding. Advice?

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 47
Member
850 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I too was a particular sleeper when we first lived together. The thing that worked for me was getting used to an eye mask and ear plugs so I would be disturbed as easily. Then we got blankets that helped keep the bed at the right temp. Start trying these things now! (I like a cold room with heavy blankets, so sometimes we just pile the blankets on me, so FH doesn’t roast!) It takes time (months really) and I think its smart to have an alternate setup if you can’t fall asleep next to FH right away. Many years into sleeping together we use the same blankets, though I sleep in more clothing than FH, but I have no need for the ear plugs or mask anymore.

Post # 48
Member
2214 posts
Buzzing bee

I think you guys need to do whatever you need to do to get a good night sleep, but I would give it some time to see if you adjust. I definitely had a few weeks adjusting to having someone else in the bed. I actually had the opposite problem of you–I always slept with the tv on, but my SO couldn’t. Since sleeping with the tv on isn’t a normal thing to do, I gave it up, but for a few weeks, I slept like crap. But now I can’t fall asleep unless the room is completely dark and quiet! Point is, people adapt to these types of things, and you may need to sacrifice a few weeks of good sleep, but if you adjust and it makes your SO happier, then I think it would be worth it. I wouldn’t decide to sleep in separate beds for your entire marriage based on one night of restless sleep. Maybe you could use some more anxiety medicine while you’re adjusting to counter-act the lack of sleep or something? No idea if that will work, just throwing an idea out. haha

Post # 49
Member
11507 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@MlleDarcy:  I was single until I was in my 40s and was very used to always sleeping alone. I had this concern as well and was worried that I would never be able to adjust to sleeping in the same bed as my husband.  However, we have a king-sized bed, and after we’re done cuddling, each of us returns to his or her side of the bed and our own configuration of pillows. Although there was a period of adjustment involved, I now sleep better when he’s there than when he isn’t. 🙂

Post # 50
Member
1063 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014 - Kentucky Center for the Performing Arts

I am a restless sleeper, I move around alot before I can fall asleep. But I am also a night-shift worker 3 times a week. So when we are home at the same time during the night I usually let him fall asleep first and try to fall asleep after him..with minimal movements. And if I move too much he’ll wake up, grab me, and pull me next to him and then I can’t move at all and have no choice but to close my eyes lol! You will get used to being in same bed over time. I agree with the other bees that there is an adjustment period.

Post # 51
Member
278 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

The majority of my and DH’s relationship, even when we were living together, we had separate bedrooms. It was about personal space as well as comfort. He likes his sleeping areas sooo much different than mine (it was a small miracle when we found a mattress we both liked!)

Even now that we share a bed 99% of the time we have the guest bed clean and at the ready incase he wakes me up with his snoring and I can’t get him to stop.

My grandparents and my parents both had separate bedrooms my whole life for similar reasons.

Post # 52
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@MlleDarcy:  I know a married couple that has their own rooms because they get up at such different times and it’s what they wanted. It was kind of funny from an outsider’s perspective at first (they even decorate them like you would if it was your room), but it totally works for them. Just do what you need to do and talk to your husband about it. There are all kinds of ways to happily live together!

Post # 53
Member
4474 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

California King?

Post # 54
Member
2177 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

You need a king sized bed. You should have plenty of space that way and you can meet in the middle when you need to. I am also a particular sleeper– I use 4 pillows, a fan, a mask and earplugs every night. We also use separate blankets sometimes, as we run at different temperatures. It takes some adjusting, but you’ll get through it. Good luck!

 

Post # 55
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

@MlleDarcy:  

Me and Fiance have issues sleeping togehter as well. Our sleeping habits are basically incompatible…not sure how we’ve managed to sleep together for 4 years but we irritate each other till this day! I’ve reluctantly had to change a few things about the way I sleep, like not tucking the covers in, removing the cover sheet, closing the bedroom door, etc. About 6 months ago he started sleeping updside down. That’s right, upside down in the bed. It works wonders! It gives us both ample room to move around and stretch out without injuring each other in the middle of the night. This combined with the other adjustments just seem to work for us. At first I hated it b/c it seems so silly, but it works. What can we do? We currently have a queen bed and can’t wait for the day when we get a bigger place and a king size bed.

Good luck with finding what works for you!

Post # 56
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

View original reply
@MlleDarcy:  oh, and I forgot to mention after reading your updates – if your husband is nervous about intimacy issues/relationship issues from separate bedrooms, I think there’s definitely a possibility to include some awesome sex in a separate bedroom arrangement. My friends who have separate bedrooms do have an amazing sex life. You just have to have an understanding about when you can be interrupted and when you can’t (ie, can he come in your room in the morning uninvited while you are asleep? only after you are awake? – these issues exist sharing a bed too tho). Make sure you both have ‘power’ (ie, both of you can initiate). It’s definitely a lot easier to spice it up if you are in two different rooms.

My Fiance lived with his ex (separate rooms) and they had an arrangement where he woke her up every morning. His alarm went off when she needed to get up and he would go cuddle with her and wake her up. This sounds like an awesome arrangement to me, but sadly, we will be sharing a bed lol ;). So there’s lots and lots of ways you can make separate beds and/or rooms intimate. I think it’s helpful even to change rooms from time to time to shake up your bedroom life to begin with . . .

Oh, and memory foam is a lifesaver if motion bothers you, but you are going to have to buy the whole mattress, not just a topper =/. It has to do with the mechanics of the whole thing. But, warning: I find memory foam mattresses cold. Which might totaly work for you. But in addition to not translating any motion across the bed, they suck the heat right out of you (my problem). I needed many many blankets when I slept on one with an ex. So that might be totally perfect for you.

So try different things, and tell him to be open minded about it all and agree each night what the plan is (ie, you can come bother me in the morning, I will cuddle with you while you fall asleep, or I need my alone time or whatever). I agree with the bees who posted about trying hotels with different arrangements (cheaper). But if it’s a medical issue and you can accommodate two rooms, there’s lots of good ways to implement this idea.

Post # 57
Member
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

From what it sounds like, I think you may want to see a sleep therapist on your own. I enjoy sharing a bed cause it is more intimate, we snuggle at night but neither of us have sleep issues. Well he likes it cold and i dont so he sleeps closer to the AC and i snuggle with blankets.

Do you really want to never sleep in the same bed as your husband ever? Maybe it’s just me but that seems like youre going to miss out on intimacy. Thats just my opinion.

Post # 58
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@MlleDarcy:  I think sleeping together is a very intimate connection. 

I also completely understand sleep problems. I have to have it freezing, with my own blanket, with the humidifer and fan on and at least 1 foot between us. 

I think you  might be able to adjust. I would reccomend you try a memory foam, use your own blanket and making the room as comfortable as you can for your sleeping needs.

I also think that you might be uncomfortable with the idea of sleeping next to someone. (I myself find it annoying with anyone but my Fiance, ex: my sisters). I think you should plan to try it out for a few days and then if that doesn’t work go to seperate beds. Then maybe once a week you push the beds together and try again. 

Post # 59
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

This might have been said but I will say it again just incase you check back. My husband is in the military which means he is often away. The first few days we generally “work” ourselves into exahustion. Then for a few night every movement the other makes wakes the other up because we are not use to the person being their any more. But after a few nights it is normal again. Then when he leaves I can not sleep because he not there. 

 

But it is your body and only the two of you knows what will work you might have to do some experimenting to find out 

 

ps– remember back in middle scholl/ highschool when everyone that was an adult would say sex changes everything, it changes they way you sleep and the way you feel about sleeping with someone.

Post # 60
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

View original reply
@MlleDarcy:  I have a terrible time falling asleep between getting too hot and having restless leg syndrome not to mention general insomnia from depression. If it isn’t too late, I would suggest returning the queen bed and using the funds for a bed that the two of you buy together. Other folks have suggested memory foam, and that might work. However, they do tend to hold in heat. Personally, I hate them for that reason. Yes, there are some with some cool gel or whatever new technology, but I just stay away. Try out some latex mattresses. They are AWESOME in that they don’t retain heat, can be customized on both sides in terms of firmness, and they don’t transfer motion.

Post # 61
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
@MlleDarcy:  just noticed this is a bit of an older topic, but wanted to weigh in and give you some hope. I’ve always been a very very light sleeper, and whenever Fiance would sleep over when we were dating, i barely slept. I woke up constantly and just never fell into a deep sleep. Once we started living together, I have really adjusted well. I also need cool space, and we have a twin and my Fiance is like a heater! So what we’ve found helps me is putting a pillow kind of between us lol. We jokingly call it the barrier pillow. It helps me to have my own cool space, blocks some light when I’m facing it, and he occasionally rests his head on it but doesn’t come over the pillow too often. We have joked about having separate beds, but this has been working really well so I don’t think we’ll need to! Anyways, just give it some time.. It took me 2 years of dating and several months of living together to feel like I slept soundly, but I’m glad to get to share a bed and wake up rested now. 🙂 

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