(Closed) Apprehensive about sharing bed with FH after wedding. Advice?

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 62
Member
1218 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I am a fussy sleeper – it has to be very dark and silent, plus I have vivid dreams as a result of being on anti-depressants and nightmares due to PTSD. However, I moved in with my ex when I was 17 (24 now) so I’m quite accustomed to sharing a bed. Having a bigger bed is helpful, I also can’t sleep without a pillow over my head to block out FI’s snoring/sleep noises. I’m so used to it now that I do the pillow on the head even when I’m sleeping alone!

I think you can still have the intimacy of sleeping together without actually doing it – like if you share a bed for cuddles in the morning before you get up. Or you might try sharing a bed and find you’re okay with it.

Post # 63
Member
473 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I have the same issues you describe (anxiety, difficulties sleeping, exhaustion exacerbating anxiety) and I recently moved in with my Fiance. It was a bit of an adjustment, but it’s pretty much fine though. I use melatonin to help me get to sleep. Maybe you could try that initially?

On the topic of separate beds, I read this recently and thought you might find it useful. 

http://offbeathome.com/2013/05/separate-beds


Post # 64
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Tennessee

With my all of my exes, I had a lot of trouble sharing a bed with him. He snored and I couldn’t sleep without earplugs. I did get used to them very quickly, but I had to experiment to find a style that was perfect. I also could never fall asleep while touching him. Now, with my current Boyfriend or Best Friend, he stays over once a week and I’ve never had a single problem falling asleep with him present. If he does make noises, they don’t seem to bother me, and I even fall asleep cuddling with him. It’s weird. Lol. But I’m not complaining. I just never thought I would have so little difficulty fall asleep while sharing a bed with anyone. So just because you know you have these issues, give sharing a bed a chance. Maybe you’ll be surprised at what doesn’t bother you.

On the other hand, my parents have different bedrooms and frankly, I think they would have gotten divorced if they held the impression that they had to share a bed. Both snore, mom says dad’s a cover hog, and neither like the extra body heat. So instead of us having a guest room, mom made it into her room. My parents have been married for 26 years and are very happy.

Post # 65
Member
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Honestly, sleeping with someone after sleeping alone your whole life is tricky. I am very peticular in how I sleep as well, and so its been a HUGE adjustment. Some nights, I simply can’t sleep for one reason or another… and sometimes he ends up on the couch. 

Post # 66
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Give it some time! The first time I slept over at the SO’s, I was really freaked out about it. I got up early to put on makeup and brush my hair like in the movies, haha! Now that we have spent almost every weekend together for about nine months, I can hardly sleep by myself. Mind you, we are students, so we have spent all those weekends on TWIN sized dorm beds. We both do annoying things in our sleep, but it’s ok. SO can rub my head when it hurts at night and play with my hair, which always puts me to sleep. In my opinion, there is no safer feeling than falling asleep in each other’s arms and waking up to your best friend every morning. Just give it a try! You may really like it. 

Next semester, I’m moving into a house and we’ll have a full-size mattress. Yippee! 😀

Post # 67
Member
1368 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@MlleDarcy:Are you me? Wow, we sound a lot alike. I also have problems with anxiety and have NEVER been bale to adjust my sleeping particularities, and not for lack of trying! Fiance and I have been together for 4.5 years now, and lived together for most of that. Both of us are very particular sleepers. If we ever have to sleep in 1 bed, when visiting someone for example, we both stiffen up for fear of bothering each other and never get into deep sleep and have a proper night’s rest. We have never been able to get over this even after years of “practice.” Our solution is to have two single beds pushed together. That way we are beside each other, but I have a memory foam mattress on my side and he has a firmer mattress on his side, and we don’t bother each other. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it!

 

Post # 68
Member
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Personally I think sleeping in the same bed adds a new level of intimacy, and to me it would be worth adjusting or at least trying to adjust. Often, DH and I are so busy and distracted that the time we spend in bed, relaxing, are the best of the day, because we can block out all distractions and focus on each other, share little touches, talk, and eventually just drift to sleep.

you may want to spend a few nights in hotels to see if a king or even a queen bed would be tolerable, if not enjoyable. Don’t make your decision just off of one night, because it’s pretty common for folks to sleep poorly their first night in a strange room. If there is a Radisson nearby (or in a city you’d like to visit), give them a try; they use the Sleep Number beds in their rooms. Each side has an adjustable firmness, so yours can be soft and his firm, or whatever your preferences, plus they do not transfer much motion. Hilton Garden Inn’s have a similar type of bed; the how-it-works and the controls are different, and usually the Hilton Garden Inn beds are a bit too firm for my tastes (huge memory foam layer on top of the adjustable air system) but everyone’s tastes are different. These beds tend to be on the pricier sde but when they last 15 years, it’s a good investment.

Post # 69
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I would give it a little bit of time to see if you can adjust. SO and I had shared tiny twin beds in college occasionally, but that was obviously not good for sleeping. When we first moved in together there was definitely an adjustment period. I’m a light sleeper–I sleep with a mask and need it to be very quiet–so I will often get up several times a night. In the beginning, SO didn’t sleep very well because of it. But after awhile he got used to it and he sleeps like a rock. Although it can be nice to have the bed to myself once in awhile, having SO sleep next to me is comforting, and I sleep better when he’s around.

Post # 70
Member
28 posts
Newbee

@MlleDarcy:  you may change your mind! One my favorite parts of my relationship is sharing a bed! I love to cuddle and snuggle as close as possible!!

Post # 71
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

It took some time to get used to sleeping in the same bed every night.  When we moved in together, I struggled for a few weeks.  I don’t sleep great, and I have certain positions that work best.  He just conks out.  🙂

Before thinking about separate beds, tell him what you need and then just try it for several months.  Splurge on some really soft sheets and pillows, adn just give yourself some time to adjust.

Post # 72
Member
1063 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

a big bed could help… in a king you could be pretty far apart if needed! BUT give it a try with an open mind, you might feel differently! good luck!

Post # 73
Member
2358 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

View original reply
@Duckie731:  Omg… are you my cousin???? 🙂

Post # 74
Member
91 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Try sleeping together for a while and see what happens. I had a really hard time sleeping next to my fh at first but now I hate waking up without him curled up next to me and sleep 10x better when he’s here (he works out of town m-f)

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