(Closed) Are any of you not close with your mothers?

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
2493 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

My mother and I have never been close–she didn’t even for custody when she and my father split when I was 5 (they were never married). She’d skip out on visitation, and on rare occasions when I did see her, she’d pretty much ignore me to do her own thing. When I was around 21, I tried to rekindle some sort of relationship with her, but soon realized she was just happy to have me around to fund her habits/pay for her lifestyle. She didn’t/doesn’t work, so SOMEONE had to pay her bills. Anyway, when I got pregnant, I wised up and got myself out of that situation. She came to my wedding (only for the ceremony, as she split after dinner, pretty much), but I haven’t heard from her since… and I don’t really care to.

Post # 17
Member
3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

regit45:  

I am not close to my mother. She was abusive and cruel to me growing up, because she was jealous of the attention I received from my father. She also hates my father’s family and I look just like them, so I bore the brunt of her hatred. My mother was always much kinder to my brothers. 

I used to miss the mother bond so much that I sought out mother figures. This backfired on me so I try to be my own mother. My husband is very loving and nurturing, which helps a great deal. Mothering can take many forms. I am very good at showing support and love to others. Right now, I am mentoring a young woman who grew up without her mom. She is engaging in some very self destructive behaviors, but I refrain from judging her and I listen. I offer encouragement and try to find solutions for her. She is now staying a youth shelter and wants to leave prostitution. I pray that this time, she will leave that sordid world for good. The poor kid now has trauma to deal with on top of her other immediate needs. I would let her rent our spare bedroom if I could. 

My mother expresses regret and sadness that we are not closer. She is just a little old lady now and she has had time to think. I am glad that she apologized for her behavior which led to my elopement. However, I have to protect myself because she loves to gossip about me to her side of the family. I can be polite and affectionate, but I cannot be her best friend. She is especially sad that I choose not to become a parent, but my mother doesn’t realize that the way she raised me is part of the reason. 

Post # 18
Member
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

regit45:  growing up my mom and I wasn’t close but now we are like two peas in a pod can’t imagine my life without her. But I don’t have my dad he pass away when I wa younger and even before he pass we wasn’t close and sometimes I wish my dad was in my life and some day when I see my niece with her dad and my fiancé with his I kinda a get a bit jaleaous but I am happy they have their fathers with them 

Post # 19
Member
7310 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Rachel631:  How do you deal with the paranoia and delusions? These are relatively new for my mother (within the last 3 years) and her accusations of theft and abuse have ripped my extended family apart. She’s one of 7 kids, and has managed to accuse 4 of them of crimes. She’s also accused me of conspiring with extended family members against her. Part of me thinks maybe something DID happen in the past, but then I look at her delusions and paranoia about me and I know she’s straight up out of her mind. It’s gotten to the point where her siblings don’t speak to her at all. The big family gatherings have stopped, which is sad. But I completely understand that no one wants to deal with any of the drama. If you invite her, she comes, has a complete spazz out in front of everyone, and ruins everything. If you don’t invite her, she tries to guilt you, badmouths about you to anyone who will listen, and generally acts like a royal b*tch. So we just don’t have gatherings anymore because it’s easier than dealing with her antics.

Post # 20
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Thank you for this, it is really hard on Mother’s Day when everyone is celebrating their moms. No one can really understand what it’s like to not have a mom you want to celebrate. 

My mom is not a part of my life, nor is any of the family I grew up with. She was not a good mom and did a lot of things that hurt me throughout my childhood. For many years I sucked it up and allowed her to think that we had a great relationship, because I didn’t want to hurt her. After my daughter was born I finally cut her off because I just couldn’t understand the things she did now that I was a mother myself. It became increasingly hard for me to tolerate her and I finally confronted her and cut her out of my life last year.

I don’t love my mom. A lot of people probably think I’m cold-hearted for saying it, but I don’t think we owe anything to anyone just because they’re related or because they brought us up, if they did a terrible job. Every day I am reminded that I have to earn my daughter’s love by being a good mom. I have to earn the right to have a relationship with her throughout her life.

Post # 21
Member
4430 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Ok i’m really sad because I posted the longest post I think i’ve ever posted but it’s gone.  Oh well…my mom sucks and we don’t talk. That’s basically it.

Post # 22
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

PositiveThinking:  I’m sorry to hear you don’t have a good relationship with your mother either…it interests me to hear you don’t want children as I feel exactly the same! I have always thought the lack of any bond with my own mother is probably the main reason I have no maternal instinct myself! 

Post # 23
Member
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

caritas:  You are the only person who has ever said exactly what I feel! I couldn’t truly see how awful my mother had been to me growing up until I had my own son and knew in my heart what it was that he deserved from me as his Mom. It was then that I saw how wrong and selfish my own parents had truly been. 

I agree with you 110% about earing your childs love daily by being a good parent. I feel like it isn’t my sons job to make me proud of him (of course I always will be) but more importantly its my job to make him proud of me. Thank you for posting this.

Post # 24
Member
761 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I haven’t spoken to my mother in 12 years. Any mother reference that is positive is actually a reference to my aunt and my grandmother who stepped up to fill the void and gave me a solid foundation to not be influenced and brought down by my real mothers abuse. My biological mother put me in the ER twice when I was young, tried to choke me because I didn’t feed the dogs once (I was 16) and told me flat out she wished she’d aborted me. When I called her on all the things she did, she claimed she never did them. I literally had social worker reports in front of her and she looked me in the face and said none of it ever happened; that I made it up because she made me do chores. I don’t know how much she can really control. There are a slew of mental health problems that she never addressed so I just see her as truly sick. It’s how I’ve moved passed it and forgiven her.

Post # 25
Member
7977 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

lovekiss:  Yes, all of this sounds extremely familiar.

I’m afraid that the key is to get a diagnosis of paranoid schitzophrenia ASAP and to get her on anti-psychotics. My mother was on them for about a year and it was the first time she was even remotely normal… the first time she had anything resembling a personality. The problem is that we couldn’t keep her on them… it’s a long story involving the health authority. Basically, the NHS picks up the bill here for all medical care, but doctors and health authorities are reluctant to diagnose long term illnesses because they are then obligated to provide extensive care packages. So they diagnose things like “short term psychotic breakdown” instead. But I digress.

The key is meds. Good meds.

Post # 26
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee

 

regit45:  I don’t find myself to have a close bond with my Mom.  My Father was unstable and couldn’t keep his life straight and then just walked out on me and her.  His entire side of the family all have some kind of problem, whether it’s gambling or backstabbing other family members, so I don’t talk to anyone on his side of the family anymore.  Currently, her latest fear is me moving down to the US to be with my Fiance.  I just spent my last trip being berated by her that I am a terrible daughter who just uses her when I need something and then dumps her (I have not ever asked her to help me, whether it was when I had to move apartments or financially).  Then she complained about the fact that I would be having the wedding in California, which is closer to his family.  It didn’t make any sense to her that I would do that because first, I want the wedding in California, second, his family is larger than mine and almost all of them would attend the wedding (unlike mine) and thirdly, my side of the family can afford to make the trip down there (they all take trips to Mexico or somewhere similar at least twice a year!).  No, instead, according to her, I am putting his family ahead of my own and treating my family like dirt.  It gave me great satisfaction to ask the rest of the family during that visit if they would find it an inconvenience to attend my wedding in California and they looked at me funny and asked why I would think that?  Of course they were excited to go to my wedding in California, why wouldn’t they attend it, they said to me.  And now, because I know my Mom is so against me moving to the US and having the wedding there, I can see her doing something drastic like, not attending my wedding or just being difficult on the day of, like some child who is pissed off that they didn’t get their way and needs a nap.  She’s now bent on trying to get me and my Fiance to change our plans and have him move to Canada instead, which is not something that either of us want to do at this stage.

What really hurt me was when she said she would disown me if I didn’t come back to visit her, because she actually thinks I am that shitty of a daughter that I would just completely write her out of my life. 

Post # 27
Member
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

regit45:  I’m not close with my mother, either.  I’ve always suspected she had some latent emotional issues from growing up with an abusive father, and as a result, she handles anger very poorly and has almost no friends.  She will get mad at me for really petty reasons, then completely ignore me for weeks or months without telling me what’s wrong.  She has dozens of friends and family members that she’s basically “shunned” just like this, many for years.  Ironically, as sensitive and quick to anger as she is, she is incredibly abrasive and expects everyone else to put up with it.  When I was still living with her, the frequent (and lengthy) cold shoulder treatments and hyper-sensitivity really screwed me up–because otherwise, I felt very close to her and needed that close mother-daughter relationship.

The only way I came to heal from this was forcing myself to get distance from her, both geographically and emotionally.  That was especially true during my wedding planning, when I’d asked her to help me with one (fun) thing, and she had a complete meltdown (after 3 months of ignoring my phone calls/texts).  It makes me sad that I can’t be close to her because she’s so emotionally unstable.  But I still try to be thankful for the great relationship I have with my grandmother at least, and for knowing what NOT to do if I end up having a child someday.

Post # 28
Member
7310 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Rachel631: Thanks for your response. We are in the US, so getting the diagnosis may not be as difficult. But I don’t have faith in her treatment team, and she refuses to consider other options. She did a bit better when we had her hospitalized, even though she was convinced that the art therapist said she would be better off committing suicide, but slipped right back within 6 months of coming out. It’s a constant roller coaster, and each time she seems to reach a new all time low.

Post # 29
Member
25 posts
Newbee

I am really glad I stumbled on this post.  I am not close with my mother or father.  My mother is mentally ill and is unable to adress her issues.  She has pushed her entire family away, accusing some of terrible crimes and abuse.  She both constinues to contact me and writes accusatory things in her emails about how I made her to drink too much or sign her divorce papers ending her marriage to my father. I could go on but you get the idea.

I am in my 30’s and have not spoken to her for about 10 years.  She was incredibly abusive throughout my childhood. She put a lot of pressure on me to succeed and not let anyone know how horrible things were while also sabbotaging anything good I had going on, going as far as threatening friends of mine or other family, who took my attention away from her or her control away.  It was a very scary and lonely life.

When I finally decided I could no longer be her keeper and put up with her abuse, I realised I had to cut all ties because she is not capable of recognizing or respecting boundaries.  Her behavior is unpredictable and violent at times.  This is often something others do not understand. “How can you cut your mother out of your life?” I get a lot of questions from people who never learned that not all mothers are kind and loving to their children.

I got engaged to a wonderful man last June and we will be married in a few weeks.  I have been so busy with life and wedding planning that up until the last week or so, I had not even thought about what it will be like to stand in front of 65 people at our destination wedding without either of my parents among the crowd.  About half of the people attending our wedding have no idea about my family and I am concerned my parent’s absence will be the elephant in the room.  I am not quite sure what to do about this.  I think I need to sort out some of these feelings in advance so they don’t hit me too hard on our wedding day. 

Does anyone else who does not speak with one or both parents find it hard to articulate what is upsetting?  It is as if something is missing but it isn’t something I ever had.  On occaisions like this, I become acutely aware that I don’t have the closeness and support others do from two people that can never be replaced. In situations like this one, I can not pretend that I don’t want the bond that I never had and I am forced to admit to myself that not having loving parents makes feel sad and full of shame. It puts a damper on celebrations.  Hopefully I can give myself a few minutes to greive and then enjoy the day. 

Post # 30
Member
919 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

caritas:  You aren’t alone, I don’t love my mother either.  Or my father, come to that.

I had a very stressful childhood, thanks to my mother putting her marriage to my father ahead of myself and my two brothers wellbeing.  Neither of them had actually wanted to be parents, and mother (for no good medical reason) thought she couldn’t have children.  So as my mother is a practicing catholic, they ended up with 3, until my father finally had a vasectomy…

We were made to feel like millstones, impediments to the life they wanted to live, all the time.   Neither of them had close relationships with any of their immediate families, so I grew up barely knowing my grandmothers (both grandfathers died before I was born), uncles, aunts, cousins etc. We moved to the other side of the world when I was 14, and my mother had no contact with her own mother for over 6 years….

Anyway, neither myself or any of my brothers have had children of my own.  In a staggering lack of awareness, my mother can’t understand why… I’ve had no contact with my father in 25 years.

Do I regret not having the ‘normal’ relationship with my parents?  Alot of the time I do.  I openly admit that I’m jealous of the childhood my Fiance had, his ongoing close relationship with his parents. I find being around his massive extended family really difficult, because it’s just not something that I’m used to. 

My mother is now a very bitter angry woman.  Being around her is extremely difficult.  I’ve not seen her in 5 years now, I deliberately live on the other side of the world.  We don’t have any sort of real relationship…and I don’t actually want one.  I’ve tried in the past, and all it ends in is her constantly bitching about what a dreadful man my father is and how he ruined her life…with a clear emphasis on the fact that he lumbered her with 3 children.  

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