(Closed) Are any of you not close with your mothers?

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 31
Member
422 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016 - Our Castle

When I was younger i didnt know my father and was brought up by my mother litterally.. she fed me, clothed me etc but i have no memory of love in my childhood from her… Every school holiday i was packed up and sent to my sisters house.. (20yrs older). If i was sick i went to school and stayd in the sick bay office.. never allowed to stay home..

At 15yrs i was sick of living like i was. i felt like a slave! (first world problems i know).. I would cook meals, clean up at night and on the weekend i had to clean kitchen, all bathrooms, vacume the floors, clean windows inside and out, do the washing etc.. before i could see my boyfriend (which they encouraged the relationship (18yrs).. i told them i dont like living there and they said to leave.. I called my sister and asked if i could live with her and she of course said yes.. she then spoke on the phone with mum for ages and it was organised the morning after my yr 10 formal i would be driven to my sisters house in Sydney..

My mother denied knowing i was moving to my teachers etc.. and when it came time for me to go she didnt even say goodbye, her boyfriend drove me in silence and when we got to my sisters, he unloaded my belongings out in the street and drove away… I had been dumped..

I stayd with my sister till i finished highschool, worked for my own money as well and had a fulltime job the day after my last exam as well as the parttime job i already had.. But even though i worked two jobs and was hardly ever home, never really ate at home my sister got angry that i no longer cooked dinner, was home to watch her kids and my room wasnt evr clean.. Its only Clothes and i was in a shoebox of a room with hardly any storage.. so she told me if i dont do what she wants i can leave.. so i was out on my own at 18 again and stayd that was till i was 20 and i met my bf(now FI)..

When my Mother met my Future Mother-In-Law the first thing she said was that she apologised for me!! wtf.. she said “i tried my best but i apologise for kelly!” at this stage i was living with my Future Mother-In-Law and helping her through the break up of her marraige etc and she was becoming one of my best friends..

My mother never contacted me from age 15-22 not a card, call, txt message nothing! i could have died and she would never have known..

I cant wait to have children i want to feel that bond between mother and child that i never had! i know all the thing not to do, did i mention the physical and emotional abuse during the childhood?.. My mother will never know im pregnant, will not know my children at all. If you have ever watched a person repeatedly hit a 4yr old to get her to pick up her blocks?! my mum is fucked and abusive when it comes to kids..

I have spent my life trying to be loved.. and that since being 14-15 with a 17-18yr old ended up being in the arms of men! this was the only place i felt a kind of love.. so i hopped from Bf to Bf and eventuallt found my now Fiance and have learnt that i can be loved outside of a bed.. i can be loved for who i am and he is now my world and i cherish his mother who is such a wonderful friends to me.. i cant wait to be married, have a home and family so i can fill my heart with happyness and forget the horrible past!

 

Sorry for the book

Post # 32
Member
919 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

destinationbride514:  I know exactly how you feel.  My Father-In-Law has been extremely judgemental about my upbringing (inverse snobbery because my parents were very wealthy) and about the fact that I don’t have close relationships with my family.

It’s very upsetting at times, and I also find it impossible to explain how I feel to others.  I don’t miss my parents, but I do miss having parents who cared. Some people just can’t understand that.  Because they weren’t physically abusive, they can’t see the problem, or don’t want to understand or imagine what is like to grow up knowing you weren’t wanted, and being made feel guilty for even existing…

Regarding your parents absence from your wedding, if anyone is crass enough to bring it up on the day, just say ‘I don’t have a relationship with them’ and immediately change the subject. Make sure your Fiance and his parents also know to say this, as they are the most likely to be asked. 

Post # 33
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee

 

CandieC88:  The way you described your Mom, reminds me so much of what my mom has done to me, as well as how she treats other people.  It’s crazy the similarities.

Post # 34
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

My mum is a drug addict and a schitzophrenic.  She made my childhood hell with emotional and physical abuse as well as the pressure of maintaining a household and paying for my own private school fees as an only child with a mainly absent father.  It all culminated with her holding a knife to my throat at 16 and giving me to the count of ten to get out of the house or she was going to slit my throat.  I ran and was lucky enough that I had some amazing friends with very generous parents who agreed to take me in until the end of school.

We didn’t speak for 3 years at all, she didn’t know where I was or anything.  I reconnected in the hopes to try to get her help, but she honestly believes it’s the world that’s crazy and she is the only sane one.

These days I visit her once a week, clean her house and for the social aspect (she is a hermit and a recluse with no friends or family who visit her)  She may be crazy, but she’s still my mum and the only one I’ll ever have.  We actually have a decent relationship though it will always be strained.  I think she’s sorry for some of the things she put me through, though she would never admit it.  

Post # 35
Member
609 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Me and my mother don’t talk. In my childhood, she was abusive to me and I can’t ever remember her not being. Me and my parents lived with my dad’s parents until my grandfather passed away, so then we lived with my gran in the same house until my parents were divorced. So me and my sister, who’s five years younger than me, had to move away and I hates her for that. (My dad did something really stupid, went to prison for two years and my grandmother had to sell the house and move,mas a result of my dad going to prison my mum decided to go into a woman’s refuge, so we had to go with her). I visited my grandmother with my sister every weekend and we would go see my dad in prison too. I loved the weekends.

 

When I was 12/13 my mum met her current bf, he moved in with us, totally took over everything and was a slave driver, seriously. My mum never stuck up for me. Then when I was 15 they had my little brother, who I did love and still do so much. It’s not his fault who his parents are. My living situation there became unbearable so I moved in with my grandmother, visited my mum and brother once a week. Then things unravelled and her bf said I was no longer allowed in “his” house. My mother and I stopped talking, I asked permission to take my brother out once a week or something like that to see him (I was 17 at the time) and his father said no. So ex haven’t spoken since. When I left the UK to move here in Dec 2012 she didn’t say goodbye to me. She doesn’t even know if I’m alive tbh, anything could have happened to me in the last two years, she doesn’t care. She will not be attending my wedding.

 

I will also add, between them, my mum and her bf have seven children, the youngest being the only one they have together. Out of those, theu only still talk to three of them. Three of her bfs children live with their mother, his ex wife, and they choose not to see heir father. On of his daughters from that relationship wanted to live with my mum and him, and she did for a while, until she saw his true colours and did what I did, moved out and now lives with his brother, her uncle. My sister wants to move out and live with my gran as I did, and it won’t be long before that happens. My brother is only four, so has no choice. They’ve basically lost all of their children, and it’s completely their own fault. In a way I’m glad they acted the way they did, I should thank them for texting my how to never treat my children.

 

Lastly, I love my dad so so much. He’s everything I could want in a parent and more. If it wasn’t for him, I honestly don’t know where I’d be today. Same goes for my grandmother. They’re everything to me.

Post # 36
Member
1377 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

My birth mother and I haven’t seen each other in about 4 years. She is a narcissistic twat who manipulates everyone around her. I can’t tell you how many drugs she was/is on. She’s on her….fourth? fifth? husband at the ripe age of 38  (she was a very young mother, and I was an oops). She dropped out of high school at 16? 17? and never liked the fact that I wasn’t her.

My parents divorced when I was around 1 year old, and my birth mom moved about 5 hours away. Since it was the 90’s, my dad barely got custody of me, and the courts required me to visit. It was set up that I would visit 2 weeks out of the year around Christmas and my birthday. I remember missing meals, not really being bathed, being allowed to play in the woods by myself at the age of 5 (and learning what poison ivy was by playing in it), being left alone for hours at a time. There was times where now looking back I wonder if she was prostituting herself – strange men at strange hours. There were drugs. I remember her and her second husband getting arrested on drug charges and being shuttled to some random person’s house (good job police!!) at the age of 7. My dad drove the 5 hours to arrive there in the middle of the night to come get me. I remember hiding under a table because my uncles were angry, and one had a gun. In middle school, she forgot to drive down and get me for my visits. Several times. And usually my presents were oddly large lingerie or coloring books. I do have a half sister through her, and she managed to drag my half sister into drugs, and convince half sister that I hate her and never want to see her again. 

She is the most manipulative person I can think of. It took until college for me to figure out that no matter what she said, it was not that I was not good enough. It was not my fault that her life was and is the way it is. It was no failing of mine that she forgot I existed. 

I can’t tell you how many hours I spent crying, self-harming, or otherwise feeling damaged because of this woman. I still cry whenever I get on the subject because it still hurts. I don’t really know if I’ll ever be able to forgive her.

 

My dad did good the second time ’round – my step mom is an amazing woman, and is my real Mom (with a capital M). 

Post # 37
Member
2108 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

My mom and I aren’t super close. The reason for that is that she is very religious, and I am not, and that doesn’t sit well with her, so every time we are together there is pressure to be what she wants me to be. It has been getting better lately, but thats been years of making boundaries and give and take.

Post # 38
Member
2091 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I am so grateful that I found this post! I have always felt like I have had to defend why I have cut my mother out of my life and why we have never been close. 

When I was a child, I was not allowed to have friends, not even female ones outside of school. I could not go on field trips, participate in after school activities, or even go outside to play. Yes, that was not a type-o; I was not allowed to do anything! We never went on a family vacation. I would spend each summer locked in the house, hoping to breath my last breath. I could not go to jail as an adult, I was there as a child. I thought about committing suicide all the time. I am sitting here crying as I type this. People don’t understand how it is to have an abusive, hateful, controlling psychopath as a mother. 

I was socially awkward, but not noticeably because I said and did what I saw done on tv. This woman made us wear dead women’s clothes, yes you read it correctly. She had taken them from a nursing home she worked at. But those were better than the homemade dresses she made us wear to school that were made out of curtains. She was no seamstress either, those dresses had elastic that cut into our skin. As punishment, when we were bad, she made us sit all alone locked inside of the dark and terrifying garage…. Or beat the mess out of us, especially my older sister because she was darker complected, no one could see the marks.

She clearly was mentally disturbed, but it took the death of my dad to take her off the deep end and she has been in and out of mental institutions ever since. I have tried many times to have a relationship with her, but for my own health and well-being, I had to walk away for good. She did something to hurt MY child, and that was the final straw. 

Bees, I am so lucky that I am not completely insane. This woman, on the rare occasions we were out in public and of course only under her supervision, would yell, scream, and cuss at people! She would make a huge embarassing spectacle. I wanted the ground to swallow me whole. I wanted to beg for help and to be removed from the home (she lost us twice for other reasons and they gave us back) but I had 2 sisters and we did not want to be seperated. As adults we all have problems. I was married to another abuser (what a shock) but unlike my sister (who stayed with hers until he recently went away for armed robbery) I walked away from mine rather quickly. My younger sister needed to be in special ed classes, but my mother refused to let them (label) her and she has always been steps behind. She had her son taken away because she did not know how to care for him…

I have my mom’s awful temper, but I have worked on all my issues and got help. I am so blessed that I held onto my faith and kept praying for things to get better. I have seen the other side of the rainbow, and it was worth not harming myself, so that I could be here to see that there is beauty in this world and not just pain… I used to say that I was an orphan. My bio father (who I did not have a relationship with) passed when I was 17, and my mom did a dance she was so happy, as she showed me the obituary. My real dad, the man who raised me as a newborn on, and endured years of pure hell so he could have a family passed when I was 25. I miss him sooo much. He was loving and kind. He taught me how to cook and was too gentle to go against my mom too much, but he did what he could. Thanks to him I know what a good man is and I am now with my Fiance. All my mother has done is taught me who I do not want to be. If any of you ladies want to talk more about this feel free to PM me. We can mother each other! God bless!

Post # 39
Member
2091 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

gillykat824:  I’m so happy that you got to have a real mother in your life to give you the love that you deserved! 

Post # 40
Member
217 posts
Helper bee

regit45:  I’m not close to my mom. It’s a loooong story, but basically she’s an alcoholic, liar, drug addict and needs a lot of serious help. She has a ton of problems. She was apparently a great mother when I was a baby, but around the time I was 2 or 3 she got pretty bad, and by the time I was 4 I was in my dad’s custody. 

 

I struggled all my life with my feelings towards my mom. It gets harder towards Mother’s Day, but other than that, I’m kind of at peace with the situation. There’s nothing I can do to help her, as much as I may (deep down) want to. Also, it’s been just me and my dad since I was 4 years old, so we’re extremely close, and I wouldn’t give up that relationship with him for anything, not even for a relationship with my mom. My only regret is that I’m afraid I’ll end up being a terrible mother because of how she was/is. However, I’m only 23 so I’ve got a while before I have to worry about that. 

 

But no, I’m not upset about the lack of bond. I used to be, but like I said, I’m a huge Daddy’s girl and always have been. Plus I’ve had a few years to work on it, I suppose. However, I’m upset that I’ll never know that “great” mother that she apparently was. I think I saw little glimmers of it, and I loved that woman that I saw, but it’s just not a reality, unfortunately. I love who my mom could be, not who her illnesses make her. 

Post # 41
Hostess
8575 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

It’s complicated, really.

I would consider us close NOW, but it wasn’t always that way.

My mother stayed married to my abusive father MUCH longer than she should have – I always blamed her for the abuse I suffered from the hands of my father. I know it’s not HER fault, but even at a young age I couldn’t understand why someone would knowingly let their children be abused.

Basically, they married, and a few years after having me, my father became abusive towards her. Once I was old enough, she started working 2 jobs to escape him, and left me and my brother to deal with him ourselves. I guess if she didn’t have to face us it would be like the abuse not happening. The few times I did see her [which was maybe once every 6 weeks], she was always very bitter towards me. At one point she told me I was ugly and that my “friends were much prettier and I should be happy I have friends”. Another time she told me that me & my brother were the reasons she was never home.

She seriously damaged my self esteem and I still struggle with it TO THIS DAY.

They divorced when I was 11 or so. After that, she was – once again, missing in action, but this time because she was “dating”. She wouldn’t come home for days on ends. She paid the bills at home but that was pretty much it. Me and my brother were left to feed ourselves [including PURCHASING food ourselves, she never left us money or anything]. Around the age of 13, she didn’t come home for 6 months straight – my brother starting selling weed to make some money to buy groceries for us. At one point, we had nothing to eat but onions and ranch dressing, we ate this for 4 days straight. At 14, I got a job and me and my brother moved out of my mother’s home.

I didn’t speak to her for a LONG time. I actually hated her. I couldn’t fathom why a mother would treat her children like that.

When I was 18 or so, she got remarried, and ever since the she’s tried “repairing” our relationship. Anytime she brings up my childhood, I just walk away because honestly, my childhood was horrifying and NO child should ever have to go through that. She’ll normally cry and try to turn it around on me – saying that I’m trying to “make her feel bad”. Damn right! She should feel bad.

We stayed in touch until I was 20 or so, and then she started inviting me over to dinner. If it wasn’t for her husband wanting anything to do with me, I wouldn’t even had bothered. But I can’t blame him for something she and my father did.

Age 22, her and her husband were having issues making bills meet, so they asked if I would move in and split bills with them. I agreed, and we turned their home into 2 apartments, we share a kitchen but everything else is separtated.

Honestly, it’s been a REALLY rough road, but compared to where we were 10 years ago, I’d say we’ve come along way. I do love my mom, but I just don’t like her all that much. I do try to get along with her and treat her well, because she’s the only parent I have.

 

Post # 42
Hostess
8575 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I guess I should mention that there really haven’t been any “super happy mother-daughter bridal moments”, but that should be a given.

The whole wedding thing is super awkward for me because my mom is trying to put up the “good mother” front, and it’s hard for me to put a smile on my face knowing that she’s just trying to look good for the inlaws.

Post # 43
Hostess
8575 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

 

Baal:  I can totally relate to being jealous of fi’s family!

My fi had a pretty good upbringing – family vacations every year, no beatings, plenty of food, parental attention.

Sometimes he’ll get caught up and complain about something his mom wouldn’t let him do or something when he was little, and then he’ll quickly remember what my childhood was like and stop talking.

Post # 44
Member
1751 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

regit45:  I’m close with my mother as in we hang out often, but we do not have a close relationship. Growing up, my mom favored my brother over me and still does to this day. I was at a mother/daughter party at our church last week and we were supposed to talk about good memories we have with our mothers. I literally could not think of one good thing to say. I know there have been good memories but the bad outweighs the good. It was an eye opener and actually upset me that I don’t have any great, wonderful memories with my mom.

Post # 45
Member
36 posts
Newbee

regit45:  I invited them to the wedding because our relationship is not one that I have to avoid for my own health.  That would be very painful if I were in a situation where I had to decide whether to invite or not.  If that’s where you are, I’m sorry – my thoughts are with you.  Only my dad came to my sister’s wedding, because someone had to stay home on the farm.  If either of them come, I already know I won’t have my dad walk me down the aisle or have a father/daughter dance.  I’ll have to figure out how to navigate the closeness of my fiance with his parents so as not to draw attention to the lack of mine, though.  It sounds like your mother is smothering you with need, making it even harder to consider your position and have a relationship with her.  :-(.  

 

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