Post # 1
- Wedding: Disneyland - January 2016
I’m a fence-sitter…like, mega fence-sitter when it comes to the issue of having kids. I always feel like I lean more on the No side, but every time I think I start getting comfortable with that decision, something always happens that makes me doubt everything.
I have baby dreams, and they almost always end with me losing my child in some way (usually quite literally in that they’re taken away or lost) and me sobbing. Just the other night it happened again, Dream-Me had just given birth to a little boy named Lucas and I was so overwhelmed I was pleading with complete strangers to help me figure out what to do. The police thought I was trying to SELL my baby and promptly took him away from me. Cue endless crying.
My husband says it’s a reflection of how stressed I’ve been recently (we just moved house and it has not been going well) and not to dwell on it right now, but I can’t help it. Baby dreams make me SO uncomfortable and I wish I knew what they meant. The thought of having a baby puts me into a cold sweat and my gut reaction is NO. But then then question festers a bit and that no turns into…I don’t know. I know dreams are just dreams and I’m probably grasping at straws here, but I wish some kind of outside force could just decide for me whether or not I’m meant to be a mother.
Post # 2
Are you wanting the dreams to be a sign that you want kids? I have baby dreams too but have absolutely no desire inside myself to have one. I don’t really give any thought into the dreams I have, but I know some people do. If you truly feel like you don’t want children I don’t think dreams should be a deciding factor.
Post # 3
- Wedding: Disneyland - January 2016
bee123456789 : I don’t really know what I want them to be. I literally feel desperate for some outside factor to lead me to the answer because I just don’t feel confident in my own decisions. Sometimes I think yes and sometimes no, and neither choice ever feels 100% right.
Post # 4
Post # 5
- Wedding: March 2018 - The Venue, Barkisland, UK
I’m of the opinion that if you’re on the fence, you shouldn’t set out to have kids. I appreciate that accidents happen but I don’t think you should be actively trying to conceive unless you know a child is what you want.
As far as dreams go, my understanding is that dreams are the brain processing experiences so I tend to disregard them; if the processing is successful then my brain has stored the useful bits and discarded the rest, so I don’t need to worry about it any more.
I’m in a similar boat, although I’m slowly starting to come around to the idea of yes a bit more and then I hear yet another horror story that makes me question whether I’m sure I’d want to do that. I’m only 29 though, so I figure there’s time yet.
If we never quite make our minds up, then we probably won’t have kids, and that’s OK. It could go either way, but like you I’d rather like to know now please!
Post # 6
TwinkleBoss : You’re going to have to make the decision for yourself, whether or not you want to have children. And so is your DH. Out of curiosity, what is your DH’s stance on having children? No other outside factor can make such a huge decision for you. No dream is going to tell you what you should do. You need to take time to figure out what’s right for you in your heart.
I agree with your DH that these dreams are likely brought on by stress. And the fact that you are thinking about these dreams and stressing over whether they mean anything probably causes you to have more of them down the line. So I wouldn’t use the fact that you’re having these dreams as any indication. For example, I’ve had dreams where I cheated on my DH, but that in no way means that I would ever cheat on my DH. It’s just either my brain processing things from the day (ex. hearing about a celebrity couple splitting due to cheating, watching a movie in which there was cheating involved, etc. etc.)…or dreams can be totally random! However, if you are trying to use these dreams to justify your desire to have a baby…then that’s different. That would mean that you do actually want to have a child.
Honestly, the only thing I can think of that can maybe help your decision would be to expose yourself to children in some way, such as volunteering, and through that limited contact try to figure out how you feel about kids. I really didn’t want to have kids for a while, but when I was a teacher’s aide in a pre-school classrom, they grew on me (even though they can be exceptionally difficult to deal with). Since then, I’ve been a volunteer tutor at the local school in my community, and I realized that I actually do like kids. Now, this obviously isn’t the same interaction that a parent would have with a child, but those experiences in addition to watching my family members or friends have kids and interacting with them were useful ways for me to start figuring out how I feel about kids, which is what has led me to actually consider having kids of my own in a few years, as long as I don’t change my mind again!
Post # 7
- Wedding: Disneyland - January 2016
anabee323 : My husband knew from the very start that I was on the fence, and he’s been very supportive about it. He says that if we DO decide to have a baby, that right now isn’t the best time (and realistically I know he’s right, it’s just when I get in YES-Baby mode I start to get a bit frantic) and we can definitely plan for the future. he also says he’ll be happy if I decide it’s something I don’t want either, so really, he’ll be content either way.
All of my cousins have children, most of them young, and I spend a decent amount of time with them. I admit, I find it exhausting. Of course I love them to bits, but I am simply NOT good at entertaining and occupying young minds. But of course, everyone says it’s so different with your own, so I feel like I can’t use that as a basis for how it might be with my own child.
Post # 8
if i dreamed about zombies chasing me, or being robbed, or other terrible things, do you think i am secretly hoping those things happen.
while some people do put faith it dreams, i think they are a reflection of our lives. maybe a friend of yours is pregnant or just had a baby. those thoughts are in your head and sometimes you dream about them.
Post # 9
Noooo please don’t decide to have a baby when you’re unsure just because you had a few baby dreams.
Post # 10
I wouldn’t advise relying on dreams to determin serious life choices. I think it’s more important to focus on why you want (or don’t want) children. While wanting to see tiny smiling faces on Christmas morning, or wanting to leave a legacy behind, or dressing your kids up in cute outfits and spending time with them at the zoo, are all perfectly fine things to look forward to when having children…things like that shouldn’t be the main motivator. I’ve seen many people have children for selfish endeavors, and are then disappointed when they find out that their fantasized idea of parenting isn’t as realistic as they thought it was.
Because as it turns out, instagram parenting isn’t realistic (shocker). There’s a lot of pressure on moms these days to be incredibly involved with their children…”you should have activities planned for them every day, and you should play with and read to them all the time, and you need to make sure they’re learning everything that other children their age are learning”, etc etc…how many of us grew up that way, though? Spending quality time with my parents was more like a once or twice a week thing, otherwise I was totally content with entertaining myself. I don’t see why that’s so impossible for some kids these days. Not that spending a lot of time with your kids is at all wrong, but I think too many mothers are burning themselves out because they feel like they HAVE to be on their A game 24/7. All I’m saying is, “not being good at entertaining young minds” (same here) doesn’t need to be a turn off for you.
If you want to a raise a child to share your life and knowledge with, to raise as a contributing member of society, to instill good morals that they may hopefully bring positivity to the world they touch…that should be your motivation. You don’t have to be the super mom who cuts her children’s PB&J sammiches into fun shapes every morning…just so long as you know you’re willing and wanting to focus on and take responsibility for the important things, and understand that the hardships are necessary for growth and aren’t reasons for regret, then I’d say you’re ready to be a parent.
Post # 11
Dreams could mean that the issue has been on your mind, or they could mean nothing at all. I don’t personally believe that dreams are the universe’s way of telling you something. Give yourself time. It sounds like your husband knows where you stand and is supportive. It also sounds like you don’t need to decide right now. Maybe when the time comes that would be the right time, you will have a better grasp of your decision.
Post # 12
No, your dreams are not a sign from the universe that you should have children. You’ve been thinking about the decision to have babies so it makes sense that babies feature in your dreams, but you can’t draw any conclusions from it. I mean, we’ve all had some dreams involving things that we definitely do not want to happen in real life, amiright?
I think having kids should follow the principle of consent: if it’s not an enthusiastic ‘yes’, it’s a no. It sounds like you don’t have to make this decision right now, so you should give yourself some time off from thinking about it. You’re just getting tied up into knots. Try to let it go and see what happens in the nex few years.
Post # 13
A dream about giving birth could mean anything from rebirth/new beginning/you saw a baby that day. As it’s you giving birth it probably denotes your emotional load at the moment. Think about it, you said it yourself; you’ve just moved (new life) and it isn’t going well (baby/life is being taken away from you). I think your brain is processing your moving stress for you.
Do not have a child unless you and your partner want one and are prepared to give a large part of yourselves to raising it properly. All of the hard work that comes with parenthood is not going to be made better by saying to yourselves “well at least we have a baby that we may or may not want”!
Post # 14
Dreams are rarely literal.
I think you would benefit from seeing a therapist, probably one that specialises in the area of not having kids (whether by choice or by circumstance like infertility) and the pressues that come with that. They will help guide you in determining what is triggering these dreams and help you with strategies to cope with dreams that cause extra anxiety.
Post # 15
TwinkleBoss : I’ve had maybe two or three very strange baby dreams, but I never ever had them in my entire life until recently. I always pondered the idea of becoming a mother one day, I’m not opposed to it, but I wasn’t born into the world desperately eager to be a mother as soon as I could or really dwell on it very much.. DH and I got married this past June, been together a total of 5 years and we moved into our first house back in March when we were engaged. Since then, my parents, rest of the family, friends, co workers have all asked the baby questions, so it’s been on my mind because it’s pretty much forced onto my mind. I was even asked those questions by strangers when I was getting my name changed after getting married. The dreams I’ve had are all similar. They all involve me having a boy and me feeling abandoned in the dream by everyone around me. I have a fear that once I would ever become pregnant, I would be forgotten about by my family. It’s like in the dream, everyone is so obsessed with the baby arriving and I’m completely ignored as a person, more so treated as an incubator.. So I have a fear of “losing” myself as a person if I become a mother. I’ve seen so many women drastically change from who they were and the things they used to enjoy that I’m afraid for that to happen to me one day. I would definitely say maybe you have an underlying fear of something happening that is playing out in your dreams