Are doubts normal or did you just "know?"

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
1090 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Honestly? I think the reality of moving in with you and a child is starting to hit him and he’s starting to doubt if he’s ready for that big of a life change.

It might be better if the two of you hold off another year so he’s sure in that decision.

I think it’s normal to have doubts. But he’s so young. I would worry that he’ll go through with the move, start to resent you, and then he’ll leave.

Post # 3
Member
2196 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I’d hold off him moving in. Doubts are ok. He is young and your relationship is relatively new. It’s really best for your daughter that he not move in until he is sure. Why don’t you hold off talks of moving in for another 6 months and then see how you both feel?

Post # 4
Member
2518 posts
Sugar bee

Granted, he’s only 23 so I think his uncertainty about whether he’s ready for a life partner and a child at this phase of his life is warranted. That said, personally I wouldn’t stay with someone who told me they were unsure about me and our future together. I think this is especially important since you do have a child already in the mix, so creating a stable environment and setting a good example of what healthy relationships look like would be ideal. 

Of course there’s not one “perfect wife”, but IMO your future husband should think you’re perfect *for him.* Everyone will have annoying habits or little things that drive you crazy sometimes, but this level of doubt doesn’t sound promising to me. And while many people in good relationships have at least a few moments of feeling doubtful or scared about commitment, straight up telling your SO about those doubts can be really damaging to the relationship and the process of building trust and security. How are you supposed to feel commited to him when he told you he’s so uncertain? 

Post # 7
Member
303 posts
Helper bee

I think doubts are normal. I would be hurt by his comments, but his honestly and willingness to be open and up-front gets bonus points from me.  That being said, I think that him moving in with you at the end of this year is a very bad idea.  I would continue the relationship (as long as you are happy), and when he is excited and ready to move in with you, then take that step.  At 23 your brain isn’t even fully mature yet, some people mature more quickly than others but I think the over-arching message this guy is telling you is: I’m just not ready yet. 

 

He ended up summing it up to him being the kind of person that finds things to dwell on and that creates problems when there aren’t any. 

 

Also think about if this type of person is someone you want to commit yourself and your daughter to.

Post # 8
Member
5035 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

It’s interesting that he thinks moving in is a bigger commitment than marriage and that its irreversible.  For that reason alone I would want him to be confident in me and our relationship before proceeding, especially since there is a child involved.

I’d hold off on the official move.

Post # 9
Member
10035 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

You guys are fairly young and haven’t been together for a huge amount of time. I would probably start spending less nights having sleep overs and push back moving in together/getting engaged for another year or so and see how things go. 

My gut is it’s a red flag, but it’s great he can be open and honest about it.

Post # 10
Member
380 posts
Helper bee

OMG…marriage is a wayyyyyyyyyyyy bigger step than moving in with someone. I dont understand how he can even compare the two. He’s super young and you are supposed to be confident when either marrying or moving in with someone. You have a daughter so if it were me, I wouldnt even think of moving a man in when he’s not ‘confident in us’ especially with a kid – no way, no how.

Post # 11
Member
2103 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Sure, doubts are normal, but only he can decide what that means for him re: whether he stays in this relationship. I will say that contemplating marriage and fatherhood is a tall order at age 23. I would be surprised if he didn’t have doubts. I know it’s painful, but I wouln’t try to convince him of anything. If he is uncertain about you, then it’s not the right relationship. You don’t need to take on the burden of his uncertainty. In an ideal world, my response would be, “thanks for telling me. I need someone who is excited about a future with me and my daughter.  As much as I love having you in my life, I need and expect more from my partner. Maybe this isn’t the right relationship for either of us.” I think it will be overwhelmingly difficult wondering day after day if he has decided about you yet, and what that decision is. It’s better to make your own decision, even if it’s heartbreaking for a while. Sorry, Bee.

Post # 12
Member
9224 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

doubts are 100% normal.  when Darling Husband was still the Boyfriend or Best Friend, he moved into my house a few months before he proposed. 

i wake up earlier for work than him, and for a few mornings after he proposed, i would get out of the bathroom, look at him sleeping, and ask myself, do i really want to wake up to that for the rest of my life.  when i thought about it, the answer was always, yes.  we will be celebrating our 4 year anniversary tomorrow.

Post # 14
Member
6847 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I do think doubts are normal to some extent, but saying he isn’t confident in you would hurt. I do think it’s reasonable for a 23 year old guy to think long and hard about committing to a woman with a child, especially as you haven’t been together very long. I’d slow things down and see where they lead. As a single parent I wouldn’t live with someone who wasn’t completely sure he wanted a life with me and all that came with me. 

Post # 15
Member
1004 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

To me, doubts are normal. Doubts on everything. It’s life. 

No one is perfect, people have their quirks and issues. I personally think its nauseating when I see or hear people gush over how perfect their partner is. But I am not a lovey dovey type at all. That’s me, maybe that’s one of my quirks.

HOWEVER..23 and 25 are both really young. I think PP’s are right in that he’s questioning if he wants to make this move. I wouldnt want that, if i could choose, at that age either.

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