Are doubts normal or did you just "know?"

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
1152 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with PPs. The last thing you want to do is make him feel trapped. Moving in is a huge step. You owe it to yourself and your daughter to make sure he’s as committed to you as possible.

There are a few relationship books that explain men as needing to go into their “caves” to have solitary thinking time to process big decisions. Tell him to take a couple days to think about what he really wants. Then when he comes back you know it’s because that’s what he really wants. He will never resent you for forcing his hand or persuading him to move in. 

Post # 17
Member
1398 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

youmaysayimadreamer :  I think his doubts are normal, especially when considering the stage of life you two are at and the fact that you have a daughter. What he said was hurtful no doubt, but his willingness to talk about it and communicate is a great sign! I know a lot of bees are encouraging you two to push off moving in together, but if he has consistantly reassured you since and you have given the option of giving him more time if he needs it, and he refuses, then I say go for it. It can be really hard to make a big decision like this and have doubts surrounding it, but that doesn’t mean you should stop moving forward.

In my experience, I have also had really hard talks with my SO about doubts we had about each other and our relationship. They were difficult to have and very emotional, but I am so thankful that we could be honest with each other! It’s so much better to shine a light on the dark corners of relationships and thoughts vs pretending they’re not there. That way you can recognize that they do not pose any harm and move on (or fix them if they do pose harm), confident in your decision. 

Post # 18
Member
10568 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

youmaysayimadreamer :  

He’s been more mean and short tempered than usual.’

Let’s start with this.

Post # 20
Member
9728 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I would argue it isn’t normal at all. My husband doesn’t hold back and act out when he’s upset, he communicates with me like an adult. Likewise when I’m upset I sit down and talk to him and tell him why I’m upset, then we work together to fix the problem. When both sides are communicating there isn’t any reason to fight.

So no, doesn’t happen in my relationship and I’m alarmed you think it’s normal and something you just should put up with. 

ETA: not sure what you mean by “your stage at a relationship”. 

Post # 22
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2017

I would second what a few other bees are saying. He’s only 23 years old and he is getting cold feet about moving forward to such a big step in life especially with a child involved – which is due dillegence  by somoene that cares. But bee, be very careful about this one. You already have a kid a divorce on your hands. I was divorced by age of 25 and remember panicking thinking gosh what will I do now, now everyone around me is really getting married and I have this divorce on my hands – in your case + a kid. But that was silly and unfounded. God has perfect timing. I am 31 now and having my first kid with an awesome guy who is my hubby. He should and will have doubts and I think that you have to be careful to tread with somoene that DOES have those doubts because I don’t thnk too many men would be ready to provide for a family full on at 23. Hell, I would find a few guys who are 30 to be able to do that. I think you guys need to seriously sit down and discuss all expectations if it’s about to get that serious including child care, finances, responsilities, reality of living together and having a child, expectations, everything. This is very important to be open and make sure he understands what he would be getting himself in to, which is not a small task. Good luck!!!

 

Post # 23
Member
75 posts
Worker bee

I think doubts like that are very normal and probably part of most long-term relationships. My own amazing long-term (long long term!) live-in partner expressed some doubts similar to this earlier this year. We talked through them, he thought through them and talked to a counsellor. I was supportive and listened, though I was hurt. We’re better than ever now. I’ve had a few similar moments too. If you’re someone that overthinks things, it’s silly to expect relationships to be any different. I suggest exploring this site and sharing it with him: http://conscious-transitions.com

I think the biggest thing is that you are both honest with each other and yourselves about the nature of these doubts. Only he can say how serious they are and if he’s making excuses. Either way I would go to him and tell him that you love him and you want to take him moving in off the table for now, to give him time to process. Tell him if he’s ready in December, he can move in December. If he’s ready in April, he’ll move in then. Etc. There really isn’t any rush – as long as he loves you and is committed to you and your daughter, he doesn’t have to live with you yet when he’s only 23. Let him know that all you expect in return is full honesty and clear communication.

Post # 24
Member
870 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

youmaysayimadreamer :  what are you examples of mean and short tempered? 

Mean isn’t normal. 

Short tempered is normal with temporary high stress and in certain situations, but it shouldn’t become a habit with someone he loves.  

Why would you consider subjecting your child to a father figure that’s mean, as you described? 

Does he apologize? Do you forgive it? How do you react? 

Why are you not willing to talk about these things? 

I agree with another poster that this is a much more pressing issue you should be focusing on. 

Post # 25
Member
258 posts
Helper bee

I think doubts are normal. Now, if those doubts begin to fester and you spend more time on the doubts than the good in your relationship, you’ve got some hard questions to ask yourself.

My Darling Husband has a hard time expressing himself; he’s come a LOOOONG way since we got together, but even then, there are times that he sits on something for days… weeks… and once MONTHS, and then BOOM all of a sudden drops it on me in a collosal wtf moment. He’s not perfect, neither am I, and NEITHER IS ANYONE ELSE. To me, it sounds like totally normal stuff that you’ll have to weather for a bit and I expect you’ll come out the other side unscathed.

I think you guys need to talk about communicating more if he’s having doubts or letting things fester (talking it out is the best way to get through those tough moments) and perhaps putting a stopper in some of the bigger relationship milestones you’ve been moving towards. Being at your house 24/7 and living together aren’t the same and he probably doesn’t get that distinction.

Post # 26
Member
8806 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

sassy411 :  Thank you, was just going to ask about this. 

youmaysayimadreamer :  Why choose to be with someone who’s mean? I might give a second chance to someone who hurts me through ignorance but if someone is hurtful on purpose (which is what mean means) they don’t get a second chance. They get excused from my life. Being mean and short-tempered is not normal and not some inevitable part of relationships that you just have to accept.

Post # 28
Member
2509 posts
Sugar bee

youmaysayimadreamer :  You seem like you have a pretty good understanding of what constitutes a healthy relationship. It sounds like you know what behaviors of his (and of yourself) are unhealthy, and you are looking to see change.

Ok.

That’s a good start.

Where I think you err is in wanting to move the relationship forward BEFORE you’ve seen noticeable change.

It sounds like this is your thinking process:
Things are going OK – we seem compatible enough.
We both have things to work on, and we are working on them.
Let’s keep this train chugging forward because the is the best relationship I’ve been in thus far…

When you’re thinking should be this:
Things are going OK – we seem compatible, but I’m seeing some red flags.
*Lists them out.*
Are any of these red flags deal breakers for me?
Are there any red flags here that, if they didn’t change, I wouldn’t be ok with??
*Lists out the deal breaker red flags, and the ones that MUST change before the relationship can move forward* (spoiler alert – the lists should be identical)
Hmmm – while this is the best relationship I’ve been in to date, that does NOT mean this is the best relationship I could possibly ever have.
*Mentally raises bar for the type of man she will allow to  live with her child (i.e. one with NO red flags)*
*Has serious conversation with SO regarding goals for changed behavior, complete with timelines for when the behavior should have changed by.*
If SO responds defensively, break up with him.
If SO agrees to change, then reverts to same behavior, break up with him.
If SO agrees to change, but has not changed within agreed-upon timeline, break up with him.
DO NOT MOVE IN, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $100.

Having high expectations of partners is healthy, holding partners accountable for their actions and promises is healthy, setting boundaries for yourself within the relationship is healthy

I worry that you are trying to move the relationship forward purely because it’s the healthiest you’ve had so far. That does NOT mean it is healthy

We tend to attract partners that are at the same level as we are. You have been working on yourself, but you still have a ways to go, according to you. So you have attarcted a man in the same boat. He still has a ways to go.

Two people who still have a ways to go moving in together and getting married… they don’t often close their respective distances.

Don’t count on a marriage to grow you as a person or to heal the relationship’s wounds. Marriage will magnify any relationship problems, and takes a lot of work and energy to maintain, leaving less time and energy for each partner to work on themselves.

What if you throw him back, and keep working on yourself, and wait for marriage until you YOURSELF are healthy, and you thus attract fully healthy men?

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