- 5 years ago
Hi bees. I was hoping to join this site under happier circumstances, but I need some advice.
I’ve been with my SO (both 25) for 3.5 years. We’ve lived together for one and a half of those. I thought we were doing well for a long time, but now I am starting to wonder if this is a dead end relationship. It scares me, because I do love him. We’ve done amazing things together, and he is the sweetest man I know, and we’re great partners on the day-to-day stuff. I just worry that he will lead me down an unhealthy path.
First, the biggest thing. He is a recovering heroin addict. Please don’t automatically tell me to leave over that. He has been clean for 7 months (ever since he made a serious commitment). He’s had great support in his family and he is genuine about wanting to stay clean. He’s also taking suboxone to help under supervision (okay, so he isn’t clean technically, I know, I know, but he is managing it). I’ve given him random drug tests and they turn out clean. However. He hasn’t done everything he said he would. He didn’t do the 90 meetings in 90 days. He goes maybe once a week now, but I’m not sure it is even quite that often. He also isn’t seeing a therapist like he said he would on the side. He did the other day look at some therapists in the area, but this is 3 months after he said he would get a therapist.
When I confront him on the above, he says that he has a lot on his plate, because he has a full time job now. I granted him that for a while as he adjusted, but I feel like by now (3 months after he started) he should be doing more. We live in our old college town where most of our friends have left, so it’s not like we have busy social lives. He essentially comes home and we watch tv and hang out (and uses dip. ick. That really gets to me sometimes). He’s got the time.
We are also at the age where we really need to start figuring out our lives and saving money. His father and older brother haven’t been very responsible on this front, and he used to seem determined not to go the same route, but now I wonder. Sure, he has done work before this new job. They were mostly, however, jobs provided by his mother’s or father’s work. They were somewhat odd jobs. He also has been the property manager for one of his mother’s rental houses, so he handles leases and maintainance. He was a part-time delivery guy before this full time job. Fine, I can deal with that if he was doing something for the future, because this job doesn’t pay well enough for a career ($10/hr ish). He talks about how he wants to do this, wants to do that, but he doesn’t really do anything about it. Am I just not giving the time to prove he will do it? I don’t know.
I think some of this is because his mother, as incredibly sweet as she is, has kind of spoiled him. She provides so much for him on top of many previous traveling vacations. She helps him pay his bills (okay, mine still do, too. Jobs at the university don’t pay a lot), which is fine. But then he goes on about wanting us to go to Europe for a few weeks. About wanting to buy a handgun. With what money? I thought you were saying you thought we needed to start saving money! As it is, I already feels like he doesn’t have much money. He asks me to cover dinner, yadda yadda yadda. I feel a little like he mooches. I do think me feeling like this MAY be a little overdramatic, though.
I’m applying to PhD programs now, and the current plan is that he will go wherever I go… because he doesn’t have school himself or a job that he cares to keep for an extended period of time. I worry that this isn’t the right move for us. I know I can always get out if I want to, but do I want to go through this with him if I ever have doubts?
I want to end this by saying that I don’t always feel this way. He is the sweetest man I know, and I have so much fun with him. I love him. I really do. I just don’t know if he is right for me.
I know that, despite this novel, it’s probably hard to know what our relationship is like… but I’m hoping to get an idea of what you think.