(Closed) Are my expectations too high or am I justified? Please help

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 4
4361 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Well, if you don’t think he’s for you then he might not be.  No matter how much you love him. I personally don’t believe that love is enough. Trust is important too, communication, respect and a bunch of other things.  I don’t think you can base a relationship on love alone and I know a lot of people would say it’s not love unless all the other things are present, but it’s clear they’re not when you need him to prove himself.

FWIW, I left my ex even though I loved him, and even though we had good times.  It was the hardest thing I ever did.  But I moved one, and I’m truely happy.  It was the best choice I ever made.

I can’t tell you what to do, but heroine and money problems aside I think you need to evaluate.  If you want the PhD, do it!  One bee said in a previous thread that education is the one thing that no one can ever take away from you.

ETA: a final thing… Whatever you do, be there to support him, or move on: be brave.

Post # 5
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Obviously anything I have to say comes from my own personal experience so please take it with a grain of salt, but I would be very worried about the past addiction issues.

I was engaged to a man who was addicted to heroin. When one of his friends died of an overdose he decided to get clean. It was always a struggle for him, but he seemed to be doing ok. After he moved out suddenly with no warning to move to another state I found out that he had started using again but managed to hide it from me. Years later he showed up on my doorstep out of the blue (I wasn’t even sure how he knew I was living there). He was incorherant and emaciated, obviously still using or using again. He had walked miles to where he thought I might be living just to chat before walking off again and I have yet to see him since. This is a man who had two loving parents and a fantastic support system trying to help him as much as possible. He just didn’t put in his own effort to keep himself clean.

It is extremely difficult to overcome that kind of addiction. No matter what it is going to be a daily stuggle. I really hope that your SO takes the steps needed to be able to manage living with something so difficult. I don’t think wanting him to include therapy in his healing process is asking too much of him. I unfortunately don’t have any good advice since I now have a personal no heroin addicts rule I would never break for anybody.

Post # 6
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

My Brother-In-Law used to be addicted to some hardcore drugs…not heroin but still. He has money issues b/c of his legal fees, losing his job, etc. He doesn’t make it to all his NA meetings b/c of the money…he has to miss time at work, use gas in his big SUV, etc.

His money issues literally depress him b/c he can’t get his head above water and we worry about him…especially b/c he NOW drinks heavily every pay day. I worry about him b/c he’s so depressed and I fear he might go back doing what he did before.

The only thing the family can think of to do (because nobody will give him money anymore) is to be there for him. We call, email, etc. to maintain contact so he knows he has us to depend on. He also goes through “spells” where he wants to spend money (on stupid things) b/c his entire family CAN buy those things w/o batting an eye. Then he digs himself deeper into debt and the cycle continues.

I wish I had some good advice to give…you should continue your education but I think you should talk to your SO about the fact that you might not be 100% there for him emotionally during it.  Does he think he’s strong enough to endure that?  

Post # 7
7649 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

There are many people that have full time jobs and still make time to go to therapy, counseling, classes, whatever have you. I think because he does have so much provided for him by his mom that maybe he does feel like he doesn’t have to do much. My ex was like this. He wasn’t a past heroine addict, but he had demons. His mom gave him everything and never made an effort to let him support himself. He used my money to buy himself all these things he wanted. He wanted a gun, trips, clothes, all this stuff he couldn’t afford. Yet he would want to save. You can’t buy expensive items and save. In the end he wasn’t saving anything and was putting money towards other people and things that made him happy for the moment. Not a house, children, a mature future that we talked about.

It’s completely up to you what you want to do, but if I were doing random drug tests for my SO, had broken promises made to me about him going to counseling, and he wasn’t serious about saving money, I would rethink the relationship. I think you are more mature than him and playing more of a mom role than SO.

Post # 8
808 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

1 meeting a week at 7 months clean is not enough. Trust me on this, I’m 14 years sober from alcohol and I’ve seen a lot of people recover and a lot of people relapse and some die. Herion is a bad addiction and 7 months is nothing in terms of long term recovery (don’t get me wrong 7 month is forever to the addict).

I’d be very concerned. My ex-husband is an addict. We met in AA. He relapsed on pain pills and it got very, very bad. I love him still and he’s clean now, after yet another treatment center visit, but I won’t willingly subject myself to that life again.

Post # 9
620 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I’ll probably be blunt, but I say this very respectfully. He can get clean and become a responsible husband and father. But there is also potential here for a lifetime of financial hardship, dysfunction, drama and regret.

No, your expectations are not too high. He’s not made a serious commitment until he does everything he said he would do to recover from his addiction and get his job and financial situation straight. This is your life too, and you don’t have to be “dragged down” by someone else’s bad decisions.

Listen to your heart, but don’t ignore what your mind says.

Post # 10
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@water4elephants:  It’s tough.  He’s only 7 months clean and sobriety is a life-long struggle.  Considering he’s otherwise a good guy, and you love him, I’d give him some more time.  Sit down and really hash this out with him.  He REALLY should be going to his meetings and therapy to supplement his personal work towards sobriety.  That’s first and foremost!  Additionally, you should attend too, either with him or alone through Al-Anon.  That will give you a better idea of what you can expect of him… it always help to have a neutral, professional third party to help.  If you see a commitment from him, you see his working really hard towards staying sober, building a life with you, etc, then stand by him.  But, if he won’t commit, you may have to cut your losses and move on.

Best of luck.

Post # 11
650 posts
Busy bee

Though I have never been in a relationship with an addict , what I would suggest to you is to access the situation by considering things like the long term direction of the relationship with regard to marriage and kids, how do you see him as a man that you can spend the rest of your life with or who will be supportive and the kind of father you want for your future kids.

It’s soooooooooo hard when you love someone to just walk away but sometimes in life love is not enough.

I tend to look at life from the functionalists perspective the sum of parts must fit the whole; so that its gotta be like a puzzle with all of the piesces coming together and when there are too many parts missing then there is dysfunction and it just wont work.

I just don’t want you to end up like me being in a 15 year relationship that I knew was going no where but staying because I loved him. Is simply not enough. The  thing is however, that he can stay on the right path and get clean and never look back or go back to that dark kind of past or he could just relapse again. There is really no way of you knowing.

It’s never easy to forsee the future but if there are certain behaviours and patterns  like you said him not sticking true to his word etc  then I beg you not to ignore these things whoever small they may seem because more often than not they are just a foreshadowing of how things are going to be in the long run.


The topic ‘Are my expectations too high or am I justified? Please help’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors