(Closed) Are my requests normal/should I feel guilty?

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 16
Member
2425 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Your bridesmaid only job is to wear the outfit you chose for them and stand up for you at the alter the day of your wedding that is it. They are not your decorating crew or even your clean up crew. You either have to decorate the venue yourself, or ask someone not in the bridal party to do it for you, or hire someone to do it. I would give a specal thank you gift for whoever does the clean up if you choose not to pay them. If you want it to be perfect I think its worth the extra money to pay a professional to do it otherwise it won’t look as good as you have imagined it would be if you asked just anybody to do it. 

Post # 17
Member
698 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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Shortqtpie:  I bet your bridesmaids will WANT to help! We also had access to our venue the day before, and knowing I was planning on decorating that day, all of my bridesmaids (and most of the women in my family and my DH’s family), sought me out and demanded that they get to help! It was a fun way to gear up for the wedding in advance.

Post # 18
Member
2968 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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Shortqtpie:  You will not have the time! Trust me. It’s nice to be able to save a few bucks but you should all be getting ready, relaxing and enjoying your last few hours of singledom and mentally preparing yourself for that walk. I think you’re thinking of it as no big deal, but the morning of is CHAOS. Something always goes wrong whether it be a stain, a missing earring or lipstick or eyelashes that don’t stay on. You DO NOT WANT the added stress of setting up the day of.

Maybe the bed and breakfast staff can do it. I would talk to them and see if you can pay a little extra to have someone from there set up, or if you and your bridesmaids could set it up the night before. Either way, do not do it the morning of.

Also, that’s not really the duty of the bridesmaids… just saying.

Post # 19
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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Shortqtpie:  I don’t think that is their job.  I would see if other friends or relatives could do that.  Bridesmaids should be getting ready instead of decorating.  I am having some relatives who I trust decorate because we won’t be able to. I have never heard of Bridesmaids decorating.  

Post # 20
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

No, it’s not alright. It’s one thing if they offer, but it’s completely inappropriate to ask them.

Standing up in someone’s wedding is already a favour. Your bridesmaids are committing their time and most likely money (whether for dress, transportation, lodging, gift, or any combination of the above). Asking them to also play decorator is in really poor taste, IMO.

Post # 21
Member
356 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

No, you should not ask them. Let them offer to help you if they want to.

Post # 22
Member
356 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

No, you should not ask them. Let them offer to help you if they want to.

Post # 23
Member
5152 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

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Shortqtpie:  I wouldn’t ask. I would pay someone to do it. Your wedding coordinator sucks – isn’t that what she’s supposed to help with?!

Does this mean they have to help clean up at the end of the night too? 

Post # 24
Member
2453 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

What the…  So it’s alright to ask family, but it’s not alright to ask family/friends who you are close enough to be in the bridal party?

As a Bridesmaid or Best Man, their job may be only to show up on the day of the wedding in a dress.  As a friend, I would expect help and support in all aspects of life they are willing to.  Weddings are not an exception here.

If you would ask them for help or favors in any other situation, ask for their help now.

Post # 25
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee

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CherryA:  In your situation, you weren’t expecting them to help you. In this situation for the OP, to mention that she would be decorating herself with the intention to getting (guilting) them into helping her without her really having to explicity ask, is passive aggressive to me.

Post # 26
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I should amend my post by mentioning that I was in a wedding about a year and a half ago where my friend and her now-husband did everything themselves. They mentioned at the rehearsal dinner that they planned to be up at the crack of dawn on the wedding day to begin decorating their venue. I immediately volunteered myself and my husband to help, and we did. She had been quite possibly the least demanding bride in the world for the duration of her engagement (super flexible about dress style/brand/colour, never demanded or wanted showers, bachelorette parties, or anything of the like), and there is no way that as her friend I wouldn’t have stepped up to help her.

But being asked (and expected) to help her decorate would have been a bit of a different scenario. Throw in the fact that you’re not even planning on being there yourself to help out – and it really sounds bad. You’re essentially making them the “hired help” without the pay.

Post # 27
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: Disneyland - January 2016

I think it’s so weird that everyone seems to think it’s SO outlandish to ask them for their help. These women are your friends and family right? Since when it is weird to ask your friends and family if they have time to help you? No, you can’t demand they do anything for you or throw a tantrum if they decline, but what adult acts that way anyhow? But asking if they have some time to help you out in setting up some flowers or tieing some chair bows? Not a huge deal and I think some people need to get a grip. If all a bridesmaid is meant to do is “stand there in a dress you chose” then why are they any more important and honored than the rest of the guests also sitting there and watching you get married?  Seriously. Who knew standing in a line was oh-so taxing and so much work that it’s rude to possibly ask if they could do anything else?

Post # 28
Member
29 posts
Newbee

I would not ask any invited guest including members of the bridal party to help set up or break down the event. I understand a lot of brides are on a budget, but DIY doesn’t include guests it means you. If people offer their talents or time take them up, but tasking people is not cool.

Does your wedding planner have a vendor list of people she’s worked with that can do set up/ breakdown that you can hire a la carte? Id also ask your B&B, caterer and florist of decor services all available. 

Post # 29
Member
2168 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception/The Gallery

I had to do this as a bridesmaid (granted, she was the first of our friends to get married and we were quite young and new to all this at 22). She needed us on Friday afternoon and we all had to take time off work/school to do so. Not only was that inconisderate and inconvenient, it wasn’t great to be made to feel like staff rather than friends. 

I would not recommed doing this to your friends; as PPs have said, have your coordinator coordinate something with a vendor who can do this for you. Also, perhaps check with your florist, often times they offer setup (and don’t forget about tear down!) services as well. 

Post # 30
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2015

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Shortqtpie:  So sorry Shortgtpie. I said no to every friend who wanted to bridesmaid me. I bought the best gift of all and that was my “job” done. I don’t think brides realise that a lot of people find weddings a bit of a torture. Nowadays I go alone because my husband just says no. When I got married I asked my sister just to stand next to me and see that my dress hangs okay. I feel it’s so very over the top and it causes a lot of ill feeling – free slavery is always resented. But that’s just me. Someone in the family is marrying an Italian girl and she said she would be so ashamed if someone arranged a shower and were told what to buy and for all of us please not to do that. A registry to that culture was out of the question. A wedding has visitors to celebrate WITH and be a witness to you and where the budget falls short so be it – NO-ONE remembers. That’s where it stops. You might find yourself married forever with a simpler wedding. For guests to stand in high heals waiting for photography to get over with and to sit around with all those speeches it’s sometimes just a gesture of painful goodwill to go. The only serious thing about your wedding is whether you love this person and are prepared to REALLY spend the rest of your life with him/her. That’s what matters. Perhaps then the world will not be rife with divorce. I sounded really old hen now, sorry…. oops I notice now this is a wedding site – they’ll probably remove my post then

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