(Closed) Are my sisters upset and just not telling me?

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1315 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Hmmm, I’m guessing they’re close enough to your mom to say if it was bothering them? Although, if your gut is saying they do care, then bring it up again. You were very open and fair, I feel, but sisters are funny creatures…!

Post # 4
6 posts
  • Wedding: October 2020

@buttontoes: I think it you have the sense that your sisters are upset, then they probably are. You have, after all, known them for all of their lives, and yours. Well, mostly, depending on if you’re the oldest or not. My sister and I have the same group of friends from high school. There are six of us total in this group of friends, and the last of us got married this past Labor Day.

There were six weddings in six years, and in that time, all of us participated in some way- as bridesmaids, singers, readers, the photographer (That’s me; I’m a wedding photographer by profession) or a combination of the above. People ask me all the time how I manage to share the same group of friends with my sister, and how we’ve all stayed friends. This is what I say, “if it were easy to still be best friends with the same girls you were best friends with when you were 13, everyone would do it. It comes down to Four little words: ‘Water Under the Bridge.'”

When people ask me how I share best friends with my sister, this is what I say, “Sister Amnesty.” There have been times over the years when drama erupts in this group of ladies. Weddings are stressful, life-changing times, and most of the friend drama we’ve had in recent years in one way or another came from or ultimately impacted wedding stuff. My sister and I have had to say, “You know what? However/whenever this gets resolved, you will still be my sister. Let’s just forgive each other/be honest with each other about how we feel/call a truce/skip this round of drama, if only with one another.”

I think you should call a sister summit. Lay it all out there, drama free. Do you want to be bridesmaids? Would you prefer another role? I get the sense that you feel left out” and/or “I feel like i’ve been making you feel left out when that wasn’t my intention.” But it boils down to: “You are my sisters. Despite what’s come before at Married Sister’s wedding or what we’ve discussed so far about mine, please tell me how you’re feeling NOW. Would you like to be bridesmaids? Tell me what would really and truly make you feel most comfortable and honored, with complete amnesty, no accusations, grudges or “But you SAID you wanted to ____!!”

And then, go with that. Water under the bridge. Oh, and you don’t have to fire anyone or demote anyone, either. You’re already having bridesmen, so you’re obviously not committed to Tradition At All Times. So you have seven attendants and your groom has five. Two bridesmen walk in the processional and get announced at the reception with a sister or get two ladies, one on each arm, rather than one. Whatever. I see this all the time as a wedding photographer. 

And no one needs to be demoted, so don’t embroil yourself with the “I asked a friend to be my MoH, but now my sisters want in…” Blah blah blah. Not worth it. You’ll have an MoH, a Matron of Honor and a Best Man. OR call them all your Best Women, Women of Honor, or Bridal Ninjas or Bridal Posse.

If anyone gives you crap about “Your pictures will look uneven!” or “It’s not tradition!” Don’t worry about it. The pictures will look fine. Sister Amnesty means that taking everyone’s feelings into account about your wedding day, no matter what they said at first, is more important than months of secret hurt feelings, and depending on how mature everyone is about it, years of resentment.

Be open. Be honest. Be accommodating. Be done with it. Be happy! Yay! 🙂

Have fun planning!

Post # 5
2186 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

ditto to everything that gypsypeach just said!

Post # 7
6 posts
  • Wedding: October 2020

View original reply
@buttontoes: I’m so glad that helped! I’m sorry you’re so far away from your sisters. That’s hard, and it makes sense that your sister might feel removed from everything being so far away. I lived in Miami for awhile with everyone else 2,000 miles away. It was hard to be homesick and hearing about them all getting together even for little things, like picking out pumpkins. The responses I got were always, “But it’s so beautiful there!” and “Why are you complaining? You’re 20 minutes from South Beach!” and “Ooh, palm trees every day! That’s better than pumpkin-picking!” and it just made me feel sadder and far away. I bet your sister gets that too, in Hawaii. On the other hand, sister in Hawaii! Hello, free place to stay! 😉

Above all else, I hope your conversations go well with them, and that you all get to rock out together with the wedding magazines on the cruise. Have a mai tai for me! Happy planning!

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