(Closed) Are some things better left unsaid?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

Were you monogomous during that time. I am a forgiving person and give a lot of leadway. This is not only lieing but it is cheating assuming you were monogomous at that time. If you were not monogomous, then I would keep quiet.

Its a lie, yes, but if you were not monogomous it was a lie “to not hurt you” no lie is good, but some are with good intentions.

If you were not monogomous, then there is no way in hell I would stay quiet- and I am a forgiving and lenient person.

EDIT: WOW, that is a horribly incomprehensable post I have written!  Hope you got what I was getting at.

Post # 5
Member
5095 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think it’s forgiveable, given the ambiguity of your early relationship, but still a violation and one that you should talk to him about. I wouldn’t be able to keep it all bottled up myself.

Post # 6
Member
7777 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Honestly… people screw up. It’s in the past. You guys have a good relationship now. Why ruin it by dredging up ancient history? I know my opinion is probably not going to be the popular one, but oh well.

Would I be mad as hell? Oh yeah. Is it worth ruining my relationship and engagement over? Not really, IMO.

Post # 7
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

You know what they say about assuming “You make an ass of U and Me”  JK

Well sometimes it is obvious and sometimes it isnt. I dont know your relationship and how it went, You said “slowly start” so it makes me thing there might have been room for interpretation at the beginning. 

If you think you can have a calm discussion about this with him, it might be worth bringing it up in the context of “I know we didnt explicitly say we were monogomous during this time and that you lied to protect me, but I am really hurt. Why did you lie to me?”

And then accept what he has to say.  IF you think there is nothing to be concerned about in your current relationship then focus on how great you two are now, not on a mistake or miscommunication or a good-intentioned lie.

Post # 9
Member
3142 posts
Sugar bee

If it were me, I don’t think I could NOT say anything. Regardless of whether the boundaries were clearly established on if you were monogamous at that point or not.  He lied. 

It would eat at my trust for him.

BUT I don’t think I would freak out.  But I would need to have a conversation about it and find out why he thought lying was acceptable I guess.

ETA to your ETA: He shouldn’t have had anything to hide in his FB. Snooping is such a double edged sword. You have the right to know these facts. But HE should have told you.

Post # 10
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

It will be hard to get over but it’s probably best to leave the issue dead and buried. He chose you. It might make thing easier if you have a pastor or counselor you can talk to by yourself just to help you work through this. This is a very tough situation.

Post # 11
Member
3142 posts
Sugar bee

@LostBee:

I am wondering, if he stopped all contact, why is this history still in his FB?

Post # 12
Member
858 posts
Busy bee

@Oneeleven: I agree with you, for me it wouldt even be so much that it happend as the fact that he lied and said they were just friendly. I get that it was early on and I can understand that but the lying is what would kill me I get upset if my SO lies about something silly its just the point that how can you know they are being honest now

Post # 13
Member
1126 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I agree with previous posters – it sucks and it’s awkward, but unless he gives you a reason to distrust him now, I’d just keep it in the past.  The reason is that the guy he was early in your relationship isn’t the same as what he is now.  If your serious boyfriend/fiance/husband cheated and lied to you, it would be a horrible egregious betrayal.  But if your casual boyfriend/dating/don’t know what we mean to each other yet-person does, it’s less of a big deal.  And I know this doesn’t make a ton of sense, but it just seems silly to punish or ask for an explanation from the person he is to you now, this person who would never do such a thing and probably can’t even fathom why he did it way back then.

Post # 14
Member
1126 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I agree with previous posters – it sucks and it’s awkward, but unless he gives you a reason to distrust him now, I’d just keep it in the past.  The reason is that the guy he was early in your relationship isn’t the same as what he is now.  If your serious boyfriend/fiance/husband cheated and lied to you, it would be a horrible egregious betrayal.  But if your casual boyfriend/dating/don’t know what we mean to each other yet-person does, it’s less of a big deal.  And I know this doesn’t make a ton of sense, but it just seems silly to punish or ask for an explanation from the person he is to you now, this person who would never do such a thing and probably can’t even fathom why he did it way back then.

Post # 16
Member
3142 posts
Sugar bee

@LostBee:

you’re not crazy at all!! I actually think keeping it to yourself is … brave. I couldn’t do it. I think it takes guts to be able to sometimes keep something to yourself for the good of the greater cause, in this case; your happy, healthy relationship.

If I were to try and attempt it, I would def go to personal counselling tho.

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