Are the arguments normal?

posted 7 months ago in Engagement
Post # 31
Member
2188 posts
Buzzing bee

OP, I’m sorry.  It’s hard when you live with a manchild who doesn’t understand how to take care of himself and expects you to pick up the slack.  

My exH was very similar to this.  He would even go as far as to point out that the house was a mess, acknowledging the issue because it bothered him, but would refuse to lift a finger to help.  And we even sat down and had a discussion and we would makes plan to clean on X date at X time and every. single. time he “wasn’t feeling well and needed to lay down” or “the big game is on, so can we do it later.”

We hired a cleaning lady, which did help with the arguments.  

 

 

 

Post # 32
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - Green Bay, WI

My now-fiancé and I bought a house and moved in together after dating for 6 months (I had known him for about a year and a half though). He proposed this summer (after living together for over a year). He had been living in an apartment by himself and I had been living in an apartment by myself before we bought the house and moved in together. We had a conversation RIGHT AWAY about who would be responsible for what. I would recommend you sit down with your man and do this too. Communication is huge right now for you two.

We decided that I will do the indoor chores (dishes, dusting, vaccuming, cat litter boxes, etc.) and he does the outdoor chores (mowing the lawn, snowblowing/shoveling—we live in Wisconsin so this is a big one—taking the garbage and recycling out, etc.).

Sometimes I feel like I’m doing more, especially because he’s pretty slow with mowing the lawn and I usually help him with the garbage. But, I know the snowblowing is a big deal and I do not want to do that because I 1. hate it and 2. don’t have the time. We also got a puppy recently and he takes her outside more often that I do since I do the cat stuff. He hates cleaning and doing dishes so that’s why I offered to to those chores. He doesn’t mind being outside or rain or anything so that’s why he does those chores. It’s about compromise. You both have a lot of adjusting to do and you both need to communicate about it and each pull your own weight. 

A note: My man isn’t a big cleaner. He leaves clothes everywhere, uses too many dishes, and in general leaves buffalo sauce and stuff all over my kitchen countertops. I knew this before moving in with him. I just keep my mouth shut and clean up after him. He DOES notice. He thanks me every time I do his laundry and every now and then he actually thanks me for doing the dishes. He thanks me for making supper every night after he’s done eating. He keeps doing this because I always make sure to thank him for thanking me. When he tells me he appreciates me I always make sure to tell him I appreciate that he appreciates me. It’s hard sometimes because you feel like men don’t notice all the things you do, but usually they do—they just don’t voice it all the time. They don’t think about it the way we do.

Don’t “mom” him. Let him know that you just want to be acknowledged for all you’re doing and you just want the best homelife for the both of you. I also will make lists of chores and things that need to be done. Keep it somewhere prominent and check things off when you do them so he can see everything you’ve done and hopefully he starts doing more too.

Or leave him a note saying “I did _______, have a good day! Love you.” I did this at first every time I did laundry (“Your laundry is done and put away, love you!”) and he started realizing I subtly just wanted recognition for doing something. He thanked me earnestly for it. He’s thanked me every time since (without me leaving a note).

Post # 33
Member
243 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

wingingit89 :  Living together is a huge adjustment. I moved in with my husband after less than 2 years of dating. For the first 2 months I was secretly panicking, thinking “what have I done?!” Didn’t help that we got a puppy at the same time. Just have a calm open discussion about your concerns. My husband was a slob before and it took some adjusting of his habits. I’m a little OCD so I also had to pick my battles. Hang in there Bee! All it takes is a little communication and compromise.

Post # 35
Member
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - Saint Louis, MO

So from reading your update it sounds like you and your fiancé are going through a rough patch. My fiancé and I used to argue about silly things for a while before we got engaged. He and I are finally learning healthy communication habits. I learned to not blame him as much and to practice grace and mercy. It’s hard when you are upset but try to remember all the good he does. Him bringing back the candy bars shows he does love you and he does want to do right by you. Like someone suggested try premarital counseling and sit down and have an honest discussion about your expectations for the relationship with your fiancé and go into the conversation with a loving heart.

Post # 36
Member
219 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

wingingit89 :  I’ve been living with my fiancé for over a year, and I think we’ve had maybe 4 fights total that we’re big enough to remember. We may have some disagreements, but nothing we’d ever hold against each other. Comments laced with contempt and defensiveness on a regular basis is not healthy. Him trying to prove he won’t jump at your call is also not healthy. What is he trying to prove? That he doesn’t care about cleanliness or that he can one up you (supposed to be the love of his life) and make you feel crappy?

i would highly recommend couples counseling, even just a few sessions to give you space to clear the air. I don’t believe he doesn’t know what he’s doing and how he’s making you feel. 

Post # 37
Member
1964 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

It sounds like you two are trying to find your way with dealing with the newness of living together. My husband and I have been together for over 20 years. We’ve figured out some things to make the chores easier.

We actually have a couple of cleaning ladies come every 3 weeks to deal with the big, deep cleaning. We now have a robotic vacuum cleaner so that takes care of the vacuuming. My husband takes care of dishes/recycling and I do the shopping. I do all the laundry. 

He doesn’t do the dishes as often as I would prefer, but I don’t say anything about it. We have some things that we have to just put up with—he likes to have his stuff in piles (which annoy me) and I have a tendency to scatter things so that I can see it all (which I’m sure annoys him). 

I had a friend tell me that her Roomba saved her relationship. She had two large dogs and she and her boyfriend (now husband) were always arguing over the vacuuming. Sometimes their are creative solutions that can really help! 

Post # 38
Member
4257 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

wingingit89 :  why did he have to Venmo you money? Do you not have access to your accounts or is he in charge of all the finances? 

Post # 39
Member
2215 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

wingingit89 :  After reading your update I’m glad he apologized. 

I haven’t personally dealt with this as I do all of the chores haha. But I have read that men prefer you to just mention what needs to get done with a timeline. They’re very black and white. For instance, “the dishes are getting gross. Can you make sure to wash them by the end of the night.” This way they can still decide when works for them and let themselves get in the mood to clean. 

I mean think about it. If my husband told me to do the dishes now it would make me not want to do them. And I’m a neat freak! 

I think most people have a little bit of a learning curve when they move in with their SO and you don’t need to worry about this changing or fighting more. What you need to worry about is how you handle it and deal with it. 

It sounds like your SO is taking the right steps.

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