Post # 1
I don’t really know FI’s family that well. I know one aunt and his mom as far as the women go. Obviously I’d invite them. He has MANY aunts and cousins. And a sister.
He NEVER got along with his sister. She is basically the reason we fell out of touch when we were in college. I’d call and ask if he was in and she’d say yes and then hang up on me. Or I’d ask if I could talk to him, please and she’d say no and hang up. And never tell him I called…. so we lost touch.
This time around, he mentioned to her once in jest that she used to be mean to me. She said “I really don’t care”.
Growing up she was outright cruel to him. She barely talks to him. He’s tried… their relationship is strained. His nephew is the one reason he continues to even try.
I met her ONCE recently and she was “ok”… not overly friendly. We said maybe 2 sentences to eachother.
He didn’t even want to invite her to the wedding. His mom has her own issues and once his mom told him no… he did NOT have to invite her. I told him of course she needs to be at the wedding.
Then the next time we were with his mom she said if his sis wasn’t invited she wouldn’t go (his mom has major alcohol issues and forgets a lot to say the least)
So … what is the etiquette as far as inviting her to the bridal shower? How about aunts I never met and he rarely sees (maybe once a year)?
I wish I could have the bridal shower with JUST my family but I am guessing that’s not an option.
Post # 3
well, at the shower my bridesmaids planned it was just my family and friends (plus his mom and grandma i invited),
if they want to throw you a shower, that is their responsibility. In my case, his mom is throwing me one this weekend for his family and friends…
but – I don’t think you need to invite everybody unless they are helping in some way.
Post # 4
Agreed. If they throw the shower, they come to it; if your people are throwing the shower, you don’t HAVE to invite the crazy sister who hates you.
If she pitches a fit, remain calm. Staying calm makes you look good and makes it obvious how crazy she is. If you need to give a reason, go with “I wasn’t sure you’d be comfortable around me, since we haven’t gotten along well in the past.”
Post # 5
Good points.. but my sis would be throwing it for me. I’m just having a VERY private ceremony then a regular reception.. so there really isn’t a bridal party. She’ll depend on me to give her names of who to invite.
It isn’t that we haven’t gotten along in person.. we haven’t talked. I guess through the holidays I can gauge if she should be invited or not. I just don’t want to cause a scene with his family thinking **I** am the witch.
Post # 6
A “shower” is technically a small informal party thrown by the bride’s closest friends for the express purpose of giving her the everyday housewares she needs to set up housekeeping. If you were having a wedding party, your “closest friends” would presumably be your bridesmaids, but it is the close friendship that makes them the appropriate hostesses for a shower, not the technical details about your wedding party.
In fact, NOTHING about your wedding planning details should influence shower planning. You are a guest. Your friends get together and make all the decisions. They are supposed to make sure that the only people who get invited are people who love you enough to want to give you presents regardless of whether they are invited to the wedding and/or the reception. They aren’t supposed to invite people they don’t know (so they needn’t invite your fiance’s sister); and you aren’t supposed to shadow-manage the guestlist from the background (so you cannot be blamed if they don’t invite your fiance’s sister).
There is a second kind of party nowadays sometimes called a “shower”, which is a no-gifts party given as a ladies’ get-together party before the wedding. This is the kind of gathering that is correctly given by the bride or her close family, who invite people over to a tea or an afternoon party or cocktail party, where the hostess and makes everyone else comfortable, and where there’s no hint that she expect presents from people. Throwing a party where you collect presents for yourself seems greedy and self-serving, so it is a good idea to avoid calling this kind of party a “shower”. Because the emphasis in this kind of party is on sharing friendship, it is more risky to leave someone off the guestlist: they may assume that the ommission was a declaration of unfriendliness.
The third kind of shower is actually bad form, because it is dishonest. This is where you make all the arrangements for a gift-receiving party, including establishing the guest list, but you issue the invitations insomeone else’s name in order to preserve the fiction that you aren’t out soliciting presents for yourself. “Internet etiquette” says, that if you have this kind of party, every guest must be invited to both the ceremony and the reception, as a way of paying them back for the gifts that they were required to bring. Proper etiquette says that this should not happen.
Post # 7
I’m always of the opinion that it’s about you, not other people, so you can invite whoever you want. If your family is throwing it, then no you definitly don’t have to invite his sister.She sounds like an unpleasant person, I woudln’t want her there.