(Closed) Are these dealbreakers?

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1581 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Location

#1 is a huge red flag

#2 sounds like poor manners/social skills, it’s not an issue with your relationship. He needs some coaching because this is just rude in general.

 

For me neither is a dealbreaker but each merits its own frank discussion. If after that there was no improvement then I’d have to reevaluate, especially #1. 

Post # 3
Member
608 posts
Busy bee

Just end it. You seem unhappy with this person according to your past posts. 

Post # 4
Hostess
8547 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

The first one would be a deal breaker and the second is a huge turn off. 

Post # 5
Member
166 posts
Blushing bee

lauralaura123 :  #1 would for sure be a dealbreaker, unless you’re in a new relationship and trying to have conversations about your future together too soon, there’s really no reasonable explanation as to why he’s stonewalling you. Other than the fact that he may not see a future with you.

#2 would probably be a deal breaker for me as well, I don’t need someone SUPER generous, I can pay my own way but I wouldn’t enjoy dating someone who’s super cheap. It would also drive me nuts if my partner was rude enough to not think of bringing something over to someone elses home when they’re hosting, even a bottle of wine if he doesn’t have the time to cook a dish.

Post # 6
Member
2512 posts
Sugar bee

Yes. Please move on, you can do so much better. 

Post # 7
Member
1505 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

Yeah, no.  #1 will not be worth your time in trying to teach him or convince him to communicate properly.  #2 isn’t a dealbreaker for some people (although it would be for me), but it is at minimum rude and inconsiderate.  He sounds closed off and selfish.  I would not stay.

Post # 8
Member
511 posts
Busy bee

Personally? #1 would only be a dealbreaker if he refused to work on communication skills with me after I had brought up the fact that it was an issue for me (like in therapy, or just making an effort on his own). #2…..I dunno, my SO and I used to go Dutch all the time, but we were both broke teenagers. Eventually one of us started making more money than the other and so we adjusted things accordingly. The idea of splitting the check doesn’t bother me at all, but it depends on the attitude behind it, whether he flat-out refuses when it clearly puts the other person out or does it to preserve a a sense of equality. As for the helping out without being asked thing, my Southern mama would definitely say that is not the mark of a gentleman because she was raised to believe that men should take charge of EVERYTHING without being asked *eye roll*, but I’ve come to realize as an adult that some people aren’t naturally contributors. It can be a somewhat tedious aspect of their personality but doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a shitty person, they simply need to be asked. 

On a more objective note I think both of those two things are only dealbreakers if they overshadow the good things. Do they?

Have you talked to him about this? Like, as in, “It really bothers me when….”?

Post # 9
Member
1151 posts
Bumble bee

#1 is a dealbreaker. I wouldn’t tolerate a man who won’t communicate with me. There are too many men out there who can communicate well. Time for an upgrade. 

#2 makes me question how attractive you can actually find him if this is a general personality trait of his. A generous woman should have a man who can reciprocate her generosity in his own way. 

Post # 10
Member
511 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

 

Deleted. 

Post # 11
Member
714 posts
Busy bee

Unless he’ very willing to work on both of these issues, move on. 

Post # 12
Member
1124 posts
Bumble bee

lauralaura123 :  How may times are u going to ask the same question? Why don’t u reference your multiple other posts about your loser bf and take the advice you’ve already been given? 

Why would you think the advice in this post would be any different?

 

Post # 13
Member
4064 posts
Honey bee

Dump. I can’t imagine what qualities he has that make up for his shortcomings. Generosity (or the lack thereof) is baked in; you can’t alter it, it’s there to stay. You say he’s kind. Wrong. Kind people give of themselves, he does not. Smart? Lots of smart people out there. Lots of dumb ones too, to be fair, but it’s pretty easy to sort them out. Move on.

Post # 14
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2021 - Toronto, Ontario

lauralaura123 :  Sorry Bee – but that sounds terrible.. he sounds SO cheap! 

#1 is a little different for everyone as it really depends on age. It may or may not be a real red flag. Most likely is given it seems that he cannot communicate at all. 

#2 is something that will 110% never change – really think about if this is something you could put up with forever… I know I could NEVER! 

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