Post # 1
I have been evaluating my relationship a bit more and have some issues that I want to bring up with my partner:
1) He stonewalls discussions he doesn’t want to have. If I ask him a question about something he doesn’t feel comfortable discussing (like when we might move in together) he just says “Let’s talk about it another time” or “This discussion is making me really uncomfortable” instead of just telling me what is on his mind. This makes me really anxious because I don’t know what he’s thinking.
2) he is not super generous. He expects me to pay 50/50 for our dinners together and doesn’t really surprise me with gift or offer to help with anything (example: He was having a difficult time with customer service call yesterday so I called back and tried to get the issue taken care of. He would have never offered to do something like that for me). This doesn’t just apply to me, when he comes over for family dinners he won’t bring anything until I gently suggest that it might be good if he made a dish and brought it over. When he invites his friends over he insists they all pool money for food.
He has lots of great qualities but…. would the above be dealbreakers for you personally? I enjoy spending time with him and he is kind and funny and smart. Our personalities seem to fit together well.
Post # 2
- Wedding: August 2018 - Location
#1 is a huge red flag
#2 sounds like poor manners/social skills, it’s not an issue with your relationship. He needs some coaching because this is just rude in general.
For me neither is a dealbreaker but each merits its own frank discussion. If after that there was no improvement then I’d have to reevaluate, especially #1.
Post # 3
Just end it. You seem unhappy with this person according to your past posts.
Post # 4
The first one would be a deal breaker and the second is a huge turn off.
Post # 5
lauralaura123 : #1 would for sure be a dealbreaker, unless you’re in a new relationship and trying to have conversations about your future together too soon, there’s really no reasonable explanation as to why he’s stonewalling you. Other than the fact that he may not see a future with you.
#2 would probably be a deal breaker for me as well, I don’t need someone SUPER generous, I can pay my own way but I wouldn’t enjoy dating someone who’s super cheap. It would also drive me nuts if my partner was rude enough to not think of bringing something over to someone elses home when they’re hosting, even a bottle of wine if he doesn’t have the time to cook a dish.
Post # 6
Yes. Please move on, you can do so much better.
Post # 7
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
Yeah, no. #1 will not be worth your time in trying to teach him or convince him to communicate properly. #2 isn’t a dealbreaker for some people (although it would be for me), but it is at minimum rude and inconsiderate. He sounds closed off and selfish. I would not stay.
Post # 8
Personally? #1 would only be a dealbreaker if he refused to work on communication skills with me after I had brought up the fact that it was an issue for me (like in therapy, or just making an effort on his own). #2…..I dunno, my SO and I used to go Dutch all the time, but we were both broke teenagers. Eventually one of us started making more money than the other and so we adjusted things accordingly. The idea of splitting the check doesn’t bother me at all, but it depends on the attitude behind it, whether he flat-out refuses when it clearly puts the other person out or does it to preserve a a sense of equality. As for the helping out without being asked thing, my Southern mama would definitely say that is not the mark of a gentleman because she was raised to believe that men should take charge of EVERYTHING without being asked *eye roll*, but I’ve come to realize as an adult that some people aren’t naturally contributors. It can be a somewhat tedious aspect of their personality but doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a shitty person, they simply need to be asked.
On a more objective note I think both of those two things are only dealbreakers if they overshadow the good things. Do they?
Have you talked to him about this? Like, as in, “It really bothers me when….”?
Post # 9
#1 is a dealbreaker. I wouldn’t tolerate a man who won’t communicate with me. There are too many men out there who can communicate well. Time for an upgrade.
#2 makes me question how attractive you can actually find him if this is a general personality trait of his. A generous woman should have a man who can reciprocate her generosity in his own way.
Post # 11
Unless he’ very willing to work on both of these issues, move on.
Post # 12
lauralaura123 : How may times are u going to ask the same question? Why don’t u reference your multiple other posts about your loser bf and take the advice you’ve already been given?
Why would you think the advice in this post would be any different?
Post # 13
Dump. I can’t imagine what qualities he has that make up for his shortcomings. Generosity (or the lack thereof) is baked in; you can’t alter it, it’s there to stay. You say he’s kind. Wrong. Kind people give of themselves, he does not. Smart? Lots of smart people out there. Lots of dumb ones too, to be fair, but it’s pretty easy to sort them out. Move on.
Post # 14
- Wedding: June 2021 - Toronto, Ontario
lauralaura123 : Sorry Bee – but that sounds terrible.. he sounds SO cheap!
#1 is a little different for everyone as it really depends on age. It may or may not be a real red flag. Most likely is given it seems that he cannot communicate at all.
#2 is something that will 110% never change – really think about if this is something you could put up with forever… I know I could NEVER!
Post # 15
2 years ago you guys broke up, everyone told you not to get back together and you still did. A few months ago you started going on lunch dates with some other work dude. You have so many bigger problems than him not bringing a dish to share.