Post # 1
My husband recently transferred to the night shift as part of a big promotion. Curious what you guys think about 2 things that have been bugging me:
1. He comes home ~1.5 hours before I’d normally wake up (I work 9-6ish) and purposely wakes me up, though I’ve asked him repeatedly not to. I’m not a morning person and HATE getting woken up before my alarm. It makes me tired and grumpy the rest of the day.
2. Since mornings are his nights on the days he works (he’s on a 4 days on, 4 days off rotation), he’ll eat a big meal and drink things like beer or a vodka tonic at like 7am. I have a long line of alcoholics in my family and am very sensitive to stuff like that. I find it a huge turn off and red flag that’s he’s swigging beer at 7am.
I tried to speak with my mom about the first concern and she said I should be happy he is eager to tell me about his work and spend time with me when he gets home. I haven’t mentioned my 2nd worry since she’s a functioning alchy herself. Would love other perspectives – especially from others who balance opposing work schedules.
Post # 3
@mrsgrant: The first one is just inconsiderate, not a red flag. The second one might be. How often is he swigging beer and vodka tonics, and how much of them? If it’s frequent and/or a lot, that’s a red flag no matter what the time. Healthy people don’t come home from work and get smashed 3 or 4 nights a week, so if he’s doing that 3 or 4 mornings a week, it’s a problem — because of the amount, not necessarily the time.
Post # 4
I don’t think the first one is a red flag. Its actually sweet that he wants to spend time with you, although his method needs work.
Like @Daisy_Mae said, the second one might be = the frequency and amount are really important here.
I wouldn’t worry if it was one drink. However, if he is often getting drunk after work, that would be a red flag for me.
Post # 5
The first is not a red flag, but you should have a calm talk with him about how you’re tired all day from waking up too early. Maybe you guys can figure something out to have catch up time.
I’ll echo all the PPs and say the second might be but I’d need more information. I used to work from home and had every shift imaginable over the course of 3 years. When I was on night shift and got off at like 6am I’d have wine if it had been a bad shift. If one evening drink was his norm (and fine for you) when he worked a typical schedule, then I would say it’s no biggie. He also might be having trouble going to sleep during the daylight hours and the alcohol probably helps with that.
Post # 6
@mrsgrant: The first one, I’ve found, sadly, is just a man thing (at least, it’s indicative of the men in my life). They don’t really consider feelings like we ladies do.
The second one doesn’t really seem like a huge issue to me, assuming it is one beer, or one mixed drink. Some people drink a beer or one cocktail per day, and it doesn’t make them an alcoholic.
Obviously, you need to 1) voice your opinion on him waking you up…again, and 2) monitor the day-drinking. I don’t see either as “red flags.”
Post # 7
The first one is not a red flag.
The second one could be but like others have said, we need more information. Frequency and amount are big deals. If it’s just a beer or two, or one or two vodka and tonics every now and then, then I wouldn’t be concerned. Is he usually a big drinker? Or is it just during the work week?
My FH worked overnight shifts when we first got together and he would get home at 6 or 7 am and drink a beer or two or have some whisky and then go to bed. He said it always helped him relax so he could get some sleep. He has a hard time sleeping during the day.
Post # 8
I don’t think either one is necessarily a red flag. Is the first one something that you can talk to him about so he can maybe understand that you’d like to sleep a little longer? I don’t think the other is a problem unless he’s getting drunk frequently. I like to have a glass of wine after work sometimes. It just so happens he gets off work at that time. I assume he can’t drink after he wakes up because he will be going into work later…so what other time is he supposed to have one?
Post # 9
I don’t think either are red flags. I used to work overnights and he’s just in a different mindset than you for the time of day. While you’re just waking up and beginning your day he is finishing his. Many people like to have a drink after work, 7am is after work for him. I would assume he is just unwinding after a long day. As long as he’s not going to excess I wouldn’t worry.
Post # 10
I’ve tried talking to him and even yelling at him about waking me up, but he can’t seem to help himself. I think I’ll just need to go to bed earlier so I will already be waking up when he gets home. My night owl tendencies make mornings tough on the best of days.
in terms of the drinking, I realize now that I’m probably over reacting. He doesn’t do it every day and he only has one drink so it’s just my unique sensitivity on that issue causing the worry (I.e. anyone who drinks at 7am is an alchy). All of the feedback on this has reassured me that all will be fine and I just need to chill out and adjust my sleep patterns a bit!
Post # 11
The first just sounds annoying and the second really depends on the amount. If it is just one drink per day, it doesn’t matter what time of day it is, it’s not a problem. If he’s drinking large quantities, that’s an issue.
Post # 12
@mrsgrant: Glad you feel better.
Just so you know, there is a bar that is open at 6am that I drive by on my way to work and I never understood why. Then I realized its in the middle of an industrial area with 24/7 shifts. Those people after their shifts go to the bar together for their “happy hour” that the rest of the more standard work day workers get to go to.
I remember watching CSI where they would go get beers in the AM because they worked all night.
Post # 13
Would you be upset if he were drinking that stuff at night like a “normal” person? Like you said, mornings are his nights. It might not be an issue.
And yeah, you’re going to have to put a foot down about waking you up. Not a “red flag” per se but definitely should be the subject of a terse conversation.
Post # 14
I get touchy about his night time drinking before but even me, with my issues, can see that he is not an alcoholic. He does like to drink but doesn’t go overboard. The waking me up thing really sucks…to me it is almost a form of torture to wake someone from a good deep sleep right before their alarm. I know I’m being dramatic but that’s how it feels. He hates getting woken up but doesn’t seem to get that it’s rude to do it to me.
Post # 15
I don’t see any red flags.
I think it is sweet that he wants to spend time with you during the only period your schedules would allow. And plenty of people drink a beer, a glass of wine, or a cocktail after work. It isn’t his fault that his “after work” is your morning.
Post # 16
Woops, looks like we have a duplicate thread! I’m going to close this one, but please continue the discussion back on this thread:
Is this a red flag?