(Closed) Are we all settling?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Noone is perfect but they should be perfect for you.
If your Fiance doesn’t make you feel special, if you think about other men, if you are not happy…maybe he isnt for you.

What do you love about him and why are you marrying him are questions you should have answers to. Don’t worry about other ppl ‘settling’, i see the word more on a positive side..settling down with a man, having a family..not caring about anyone else b/c you are happy with your life/marriage.

Post # 4
Member
2829 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I read this somewhere and to me it is pretty true:

“..Someone says ‘hey see my bad stuff? show me yours! you okay with this? me too!’  and they try and make it work..“

as for settling.. it is really hard to say or judge anyone elses situation. And a lot of our perceptions are altered or biased by a myriad of factors (self-esteem, money, intelligence, age, career, race, religion, culture, etc etc etc), so your friend worrying about her husband straying could be because he is a doctor (which is often glorified as an attractive job for a mate to have) and also because of his looks (she could be insecure about herself or have low self esteem influencing this) among other things.

As for your work acquaintance, I don’t think she is settling, there is nothing wrong with finding someone sweet and caring who will appreciate & love you unconditionally.

In regards to myself & my partner, no he isn’t Brad Pitt,  but I’m not Angelina Jolie or Scarlett Johansen, not even close. So yes there is a possibility that I could “do better“ but mre likely I would do much much worse.

As it stands we treat each other with utmost love and respect; we accept each other fully for the individuals we are, jive really well with each others personality, have similar goals and perspectives.. the list goes on.

At least for myself I do not feel like I am “settling“ not one bit, even if what suits me best isn’t  what others would consider overwhelmingly fantastic, it is for me.

Post # 5
Member
380 posts
Helper bee

Interesting question!

I absolutely know that my husband is the right person for me, but I would still get these brief moments of ‘what if…’.  I think it’s natural (at least, I hope it is, for my sake!). I think that even with the perfect mate, you’re ‘settling’ when it comes to minor things (like I wish he had more initiative with washing dishes, or didn’t mumble as much, etc.), but it’s the whole package that makes it right or wrong.

I don’t think your second friend is necessarily settling – she just values trust over attraction.  I think the problem with that situation is that she equates being less attractive with being less likely to cheat.

Post # 6
Member
2239 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I don’t think the second friend is settling at all…settling for a guy who treats her like gold and would never be unfaithful to her? I don’t consider that settling. In my world, I’d consider marrying for money (not that your friend is) or marrying because you feel you have to (due to pregnancy or something) more settling than marrying someone who genuinely loves you.

 

Post # 7
Member
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I don’t mean this to sound harsh, but I think the concept of marrying “up” or “down” based on looks and/or money are shallow and immature and pretty much miss the entire point of committing to someone else for something real. 

I think one only “settles” if they marry someone they really don’t want to be married too.  Looks fade over time so if that’s the only thing you’ve got going for you, you’re in trouble.  Money can be transitory too but even if its not, its cold comfort to have a big house and nice car but you can’t stand the person you go to bed with every night or are constantly afraid s/he’s going to leave you for someone else. 

 

Post # 8
Member
7695 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

Looks fade, personality and companionship doesnt.

I think someone who goes for the better looking person who is not as caring/loving/giving/forgiving/helpful/thoughtful/understanding as the not-as-good looking person is settling WAY more than anyone who marries “down” in terms of looks.

Of course there needs to be chemistry and physical attraction, but a lot of chemistry is based on how well your personalities click.

Post # 9
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

I think people simply choose what they value in a relationship. It’s not “settling”, unless they dont want to be with that person at all (IE maybe a political alliance, arranged marriage etc)/

Everyone settles to some extent, but its really more a matter of semantics. I love my FH, but maybe not everything about him and I accept those. Is it settling or accepting or a matter of valuing one quality over another?

Many people eventually “settle down with a spouse”.  They accept who the other person is and do their best to make it work.

Post # 10
Member
226 posts
Helper bee

This reminds me of a quote from one of Jodi Picoult’s books.  I don’t remember what character said it or even in what book, but it has stuck with me…

“You don’t love someone because they’re perfect, you love them in spite of the fact they’re not.”

Post # 11
Member
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

This reminds me of that Scrubs episode where there was a really gorgeous woman married to kind of a dorky guy. One of the main characters asks her why they got married, and she said she wanted to marry the man who was always there for her :).

I’m with PitBulLover–looks fade, they’re probably the least important part of any marriage. As for the other stuff, I think we all just compromise on what we ‘settle’ on. Fiance is amazing and puts up with so many of my shortcomings, and I put up with his.

Post # 12
Member
9230 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

I think age/maturity (not always the same things) have a lot to do with it.  At the core, I think marrying someone you genuinely like, trust & respect trumps all.

You’ll (hopefully) be together a very long time, in close quarters so there  needs to be a solid friendship underneath it all.

There’s an old song from the 1960’s by the Association called “Cherish”.  I highly recommend giving it a listen.  It’s become my gold standard for relationships over the years.  When trying to sort out my feelings for this guy or that guy, the question I’ve learned to ask myself is:  Do I feel cherished?

If not, move on.

I’ve been with FH nearly 7 yrs now & he treats me the same way he did when we first started dating–he’s also a true gentleman.  He respects me & my work, which he shows in a myriad of concrete, tangible ways, not just words.

Post # 13
Member
1995 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I feel that personally I married equally.  We are about the same in attractivness and intelligence.  Granted soon he’ll have more education that me.  I think that even if you don’t want it to be an issue, marrying “down or up” does have it’s problems.  At the same time you can’t be exactly the same – that’s impossible and boring!

Post # 14
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

fishe and i are a great match, our flaws dont out do each other, they are more just little quirks, we dont think about other men/women, we feel lucky to have each other, so we arent settling, we click, and we couldnt be happier, i think its true that the person you are with doesnt need to be perfect, they just need to be perfect for you 

Post # 15
Member
40 posts
Newbee

Not for nothing, but I think people of every level of attractiveness can stray! Plus when you often hear about the other woman, they are rarely more attractive. I think it would be just as easy for a man “less attractive” than his wife to cheat to make himself feel better. Of course I hope no one has to experience this, I just think it can happen no matter the cirumstance.

Post # 16
Member
1766 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Research shows that in the long term, couples that are similar in certain aspects are less likely to split.  That includes intelligence, social status, similar family background, but also attractiveness. I’m guessing this also has to do with the peace of mind of not wondering ‘What if he meets someone who also likes to discuss pre WWII Russian literature and I only read Cosmo?’

I’d be careful to pick a guy who I don’t find attractive just because ‘he’s not going to ever leave me’.  That can backfire big time.  Obviously, this is a guy who CAN get attractive women.  After all, she married him.  So who’s to say no other woman would come after him? Someone will sure find him attractive and might make him feel more special than the wife who thinks ‘eh, he’s alright’. Who’s to say only very attractive people cheat?  Who’s to say the wife’s appearance isn’t ever going to change?  Some people just don’t age well.

I’m marrying someone who is similar enough so that we don’t get bored with each other, who is different enough so that we don’t get bored with each other, who wants similar things in life, who is hard working, treats me well and who I love. I admire his qualities and can live with his flaws. He inspires me to be the best person I can be. I think I got a pretty good match.

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