(Closed) Are we both in the wrong? FMIL issues and etiquette

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 17
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@JazzyGemini: Yeahhh if she doesn’t give you guys the list, then how can they be invited? I tried to include Future Mother-In-Law in planning initially, but her reactions added another level of complexity neither Fiance & I are willing to deal with. She’ll get her invite in the mail, like everyone else. 

Post # 18
Member
4655 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@JazzyGemini:  As long as you and your fi are on the same page, it’s fine – but unless you want endless drama, he should be the one to break the news. (Or just keep her out of the loop?)

Post # 19
Member
773 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle

You have to go with the fiancial reality of the situation. Unless she is going to pay for the extra guests, then too bad, end of story. 

Post # 21
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Just say no…I gave my mother 25 people to invite and my Future Mother-In-Law 25 people to invite.  My mother added an additional 10 people to that list.  I very firmly told her that she cannot invite that many people not to mention that I told her from the beginning to not invite anyone that I would have to be introduced to or haven’t seen in years.  (Mind you almost her whole list is made of people like this).  I complained but let it slide.  She pretty much begs for the remaining people to be invited but I firmly put my foot down saying that if they were that important they would have been part of your original 25 and that I have people that I haven’t seen in over a year that I would rather invite instead of her 25 so she can either follow the rules or not.  Just a side note…dad is giving me money towards the wedding (not mom really) and he only has 2 people on the SECONDARY list along with the actual people that I could pick out of a crown…true story!

Post # 22
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@JazzyGemini:  A few things:

1. It is your wedding and you are paying for it, so you and your Fiance have the final say on the guest list.

2. With that said, does the fact that it is important to his mother to invite these people mean anything to you and your FI? Personally, I cannot imagine not inviting someone my mom really wanted to invite – but my mom didn’t add 50 people to my guest list, so you may have to compromise with your Future Mother-In-Law on who is really important to her.

3. Building on that, the usual advice is to invite in “circles.” So, if you invite some aunts and uncles, you should invite them all. In your situation, it sounds like you may want to invite your FMIL’s siblings, but not their kids.

4. Finally, don’t get too caught up on the 40 person number. Just sit down with your Fiance and each person make a list of the people you really want to be there, and go from there. Maybe that means inviting 43 or 45 people instead of 40. Maybe it’s only 34 people! But build your guest list first and determine everything else based on that.

Post # 23
Member
2598 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@JazzyGemini:  If you and your Fiance are paying for the wedding, you get to determine the guest list.  

That’s not to say you should completely disregard anyone else’s feelings but if you have determined that your budget limits the guest list, tell your Future Mother-In-Law that she gets x number of invitations to use as she sees fit…but that’s it.  

Also, this shouldn’t be that YOU are refusing to invite extended family, but that your Fiance is.  If HE wants to include these people, you should honor that.  If he doesn’t, then its HIS choice and HE should communicate that to his mother.  Why are you setting it up that YOU are the bad guy here?

Post # 24
Member
2530 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Future Mother-In-Law tried to do this to us. We originally wanted a small wedding (well, small-ish – 80 people max) and she wanted to invite 40 people!!!

What we (FI, not me) did was say “Thanks for getting us a list of the people you’d like to invite. Cakey and I set a limit on how many people can attend, and we set a max of 15 people for you, so let’s sit together and whittle that list down.”

She didn’t like it, BUT she isn’t paying (WE are) so I can’t really say that I give a crap whether she liked it or not.
She even offered to pay for all the extra people she wanted, to which was said “No, it’s not about the numbers, it’s about what we want for our wedding.”
It’s a good thing we didn’t take her up on that offer, because the things she DID pay for are kind of a headache – i.e. she paid for the photographer but will only pay in installments… so basically we’re fronting the money and she’s paying us back. I can’t IMAGINE what it would have been like if she needed to pay $3,200 for all those people she wanted there!

You don’t really need to have any conversation with your Future Mother-In-Law.
You need to SAY to her, we’re sorry we can only allow X guest requests from you. You’ll need to cut your list, or we’ll cut it for you. End of discussion. Ignore any whining, guilt trips, demands, tantrums… those are kindergarten tactics to try and get her way!
And obviously don’t allow her any access to invitations, save-the-dates, etc. in case she feels that she can just invite whoever. I also wouldn’t let her plan any showers, as the folks invited to a shower should get an invitation to the wedding… it’s a sneaky way to force someone to add guests on the list.

Post # 25
Member
3039 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You are not both in the wrong, she is and from your posts it seems like she’s the only rude person (really… asking why your dad won’t cover her guests?!). I think you and your Fiance needs to: 1) Set a firm number of guests that you both agree on, 2) Keep an united front – no room for arguments or bullying you into something you don’t feel comfortable with. If need be, keep your distance from her.

Oh, and really – she doesn’t want grandkids? First time I’ve heard that one!

Post # 26
Member
398 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I am having the same problem…basically my Future Mother-In-Law wants to invite ppl I dont even know…I was angry, and Im still angy and will always remember what she is making me do.  She also pointed out that my parents should pay for the whole wedding, which is literally nonsense.  Finally it is your and FI’s  wedding and you do whatever you two want…but a point of advice, dont argue a lot with her over numbers and money, coz at the end of the day, she is your FI’s mother – a person you will see every holiday or maybe everyday (if you live closeby).  So think about it before going all nasty.  Dont get me wrong.  Im in a worse position than you coz my Fiance does not want to say no to his mother even though he hates some of his mother’s family! And Future Mother-In-Law already stated that she is not going to give us 1c towards the wedding, not even a present. But what can you do! You cant stay bitter or else it will ruin your day.  And dont give her that satisfaction!

Post # 27
Member
1633 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Your budget dictates your guest list.  That simple. Stick with your plan. Invite only those people you want to celebrate with.

Post # 29
Member
366 posts
Helper bee

Maybe your Future Mother-In-Law needs to be reminded that while “a wedding is a family event, it is NOT a family reunion.”

If she’s looking for a family reunion, she can plan one herself – on her own dime!

Post # 31
Member
1916 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I wasn’t as strict about the number of guests at my wedding, but I basically told my parents they gotta pay to play.  After all, they invited 300 people alone to my wedding.

My in-laws, my husband and myself each invited about 30 guests (90 total).

Basically I told them they were inviting the equivalent of three more weddings, so if they wanted to have the guests then they would have to pay for them.

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