(Closed) Are we engaged yet? No!

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee

Yep, I can. We have a date picked out as well as a propose by date given TO me by HIM. I just worry we won’t have time for my dress to come in.LOL I also feel the same about not being able to shout it from the roof tops. I haven’t even told my sister the date and I tell her everything!

I’m sure when he asks you will be happy. You are just nervous and axious because talking about it and it’s not happening is making you crazy. Trust me, I know.

Post # 4
Member
2025 posts
Buzzing bee

Wow! Very well said!

I to am to the point where I’m so indifferent to getting engaged that I was actually “anxious” (good word) that he would propose this holiday season and I’d be like, “sure, great, whatever”.

We’ve also talked a lot about venues, what we want, rings, and all of that. He’s actually been asking a LOT about rings lately, but I’m still not convinced. So many times have I heard the wavering, “When we get married” followed by the “I’m not ready/What is a piece of paper and a ring anyway”, that I’m just like, “really?”

At this point it would be a relief, that point of “surprise” is long passed, and frankly I’m wondering how I’ll be able to stop the words “are you sure?” from tumbling out of my mouth when I should be jumping up and down like a mexican jumping bean unable to form coherent thoughts.

Here’s to us and hoping that our anxiousness melts away when our days really come. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 6
Member
2907 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@sleepingbeauty88:ditto– it was very well said and i understand completely.

 

 

Post # 7
Member
1739 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I think a lot of the problem yo’re facing s that he has been trying to keep you in almost a state of constant anticipation so he can feel he surprised you or whatever.  (Frankly, though I’ve read Mr. Bee’s and Mr. Tattoo’s posts, I can’t really see much point in men waiting these day as long as they do – except when waiting for somethign tagible, like finishing school, settling in a career or moving to a new location/purchasing a house and saving for a ring if a fairly expensive one is imporant to eith party.)  I can’t see how any man could honestly thing his SO would say, “No,” to an honest proposal, even if it’s simple and not a hot-air balloon extravaganzza.  If she was going to say, “No,” why would she be driving herself nuts for all these months (years) WAITING for you to ask?!  If she was going to say, “No,” why would her self esteem and faith i you drop fro your NOT asking?! (sorry – sore subject and doing my best to relegate all venting on this forum)

Most people who count as “waiting” are in relationships that have lasted longer than a few years, the couple lives together, and the woman who has deiced she’s waiting has pretty already made up her mind about the “will you marry me” question – all she needs is to be asked.  I think if a big tease-fest about is wasn’t made by our SOs, then a simple proposal over dinner at home or a favorite restaraunt would make most women jump up and down and cry and have no hard feelings.  This whole thing of, “it’s coming in X months” “whoops, can’t get the ring, sorry”, “guess what you’re getting for X holiday? (not a ring)” and so on just take the fun out of it, take the surprise the man is working for out of it, and it makes him into the “boy who cried wolf”.  Seriously, things seem somewhat backwards these day – it used to be the man with the sweating plams and raised heartbeat when he got on that knee and asked, possibly for the first time letting the woman know that he wanted her for his wife.  Now, we’re the ones on our knees, almost BEGGING him to make a decision, and then follow through with the steps to make it official. 

Post # 8
Member
7466 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

Men don’t seem to get that they can’t put toothpaste back in the tube.

That’s how I explained it to Darling Husband once he’d brought up the M word.  Luckily, he caught on & took me ring shopping shortly thereafter.

Post # 9
Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Ms.SofBoston: Your not nuts at all; I totally feel you. I feel relieved sometimes when I start to feel like Im no longer excited or get sad about it….why? because then I remember all the fun stuff I wasnt doing while I was worrying about when/where/how with the proposal- especially with the hinting!- I even stopped talking about it for a while and SO was a wee bit concerned

It also made me miss out on time with SO unfortunately, cus I was fretting so. Anyways I feel your pain, but I know deep down when it happens Im sure you will be excited- and he will smarten up hopefully lol

Post # 10
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Subscribing… great post!

Post # 11
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

@Isilme: 

This is so so true.  I never imagined I would feel so desperate to marry someone, or feel like I had to beg someone to marry me.  It is so interesting because I had never really thought about it the way you put it.  About how the man used to be the one sweating it out about whether the girl would marry him or not… how things have changed.  Yet, for some couples it does seem as though this is still the case.  I wish that I could be in that situation ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 12
Member
223 posts
Helper bee

@Ms.SofBoston:Yesss.  I know the feeling.  I’m reading the book His Cold Feet right now and it talks about why women want to get engaged at a specific time so badly and supposedly it’s going to talk about how to relax/talk to your man about his feelings…but gosh I can relate.  It’s ALL I think about!!!

Post # 13
Member
1739 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@LittlePenguin:  You and me both ๐Ÿ™‚  My Boyfriend or Best Friend means well, but over the years he’s been guilty of telling me to expect birthday or Christmas gifts, but without a steady job back then, he could rarely deliver – leaving me kinda empty handed on those occassions, and feeling a mix of disappointment, resentment for being able to make sure he has gifts on holidays, worthlessness, and then feeling selfish for expecting soemthing at all, and so forth.  He didn’t mean to hurt me, and he liked the IDEA of making me happy, but rarely managed to take the time and effort and have the foresight to plan ahead far enough to follow through.  He’s improved a lot since he’s been working steadily full-time, and has even managed to surprise me, but I try to never have any hopes for a ring, even when my stupid subconcious takes over.

I don’t know if I’d even trust some sort of “timeline” given to me by him; I’d just feel scared I was about to be disapponted again.  I don’t really get the idea of being teasing about it from the man’s point of view.  I guess they don’t really realize just how much of an emotional roller-coaster this whole thing IS for a woman. 

@Ms.SofBoston:  If it makes you feel any better, I think yellowlinedpage felt about the same as you – she knew about when it “should” be coming, she was anxious, tired of waiting, frustrated and so on, AND she had the additional sting of several engagements happening around her while she was still in a holding pattern … and I think I remember some posts by her that a lot like this one – worries about not being happy when it happens, only relieved.  Well, it happened for her, and I think she’s pretty darn happy, so don’t fret – you will be, too. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 14
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee

Completely know the feeling- and it gets a bit stronger every single day past.

Post # 15
Member
72 posts
Worker bee

@Ms.SofBoston: Thank you for reading my mind about this situation.  Reading your post, I am so glad that someone feels the way that I feel.  It is frustrating and maddening that we have had many conversations about knowingt that we are going to get married and spend our lives together.  We have chosen a timeline for when we want to be married by.  We have discussed children, finances, where we want to live, religion, how we will raise our children, family, and everything under the moon regarding our potential future marriage.  We have agreed on it and decided on it and declared that we are going to do it.  Tradition aside, I do not understand why a ring on my finger means more than any of that.

From a sociological point of view, it’s really interesting that we are running around and going crazy about this.  I’m REALLY trying to make our potential engagement about what it means rather than what it is.  Does he really have to ask if I’ll marry him?  He knows that I will.  He knows the answer will be yes.  He knows he could propose to me with a gumball machine ring and I’d marry him.  The ring doesn’t matter.  It’s a symbol, yes – but it means that it’s official. I’m sorry… haven’t we been talking about marriage for over a year?  Unless we’ve been just kidding around, don’t our decisions mean it’s official?  Our decision to move together and live together and make a life together… that’s not official?  No, because society says that I have to have a ring on my finger before I’m allowed to decide if I’m going to spend my life with someone.

This is not meant to be offensive, but I genuinely don’t understand the situations where a man and woman pick out a ring together, but then he keeps it for himself even though she knows he has it, and they have obviously decided on this together so why should he have to ask, “Will you marry me?” It’s confusing, and it makes the whole ring/proposal thing mean something very different than what it’s supposed to mean.  That’s just my view on that.

Ms. SofBoston you articulated this much better than me, but to sum up, I completely agree with you, and I wish I could share my happiness about finding the person I’m going to spend my life with.  I can’t share that joy with family or friends yet because I don’t have a ring on my finger.  Whether or not that actually means something…who knows – the whole thing just confuses me.

Post # 16
Member
1739 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@pisces36:

Why is a man man bending on one knee with a ring more official than the heart-to-heart talk that couples should have, that my SO and I did have, where they decide that spending the rest of the years together is indeed what they want?

I understand what you and MrSofBoston are saying, that the decision made during an honest (or several honest) conversations between the couple should be the important moment, but human beings place much on ceremony – most high school and college graduates wouldn’t dream of not walking across the stage to get handed a fake diploma for the sake of ceremony only to be able to skip all of that and simply pick up the real certificate later… funerals aren’t the end or beginning of the mourning process, but they play an important role for many the help with getting through the loss… bar and bat mizvahs and Catholic confirmations don’t “really” make the participants “adults”, esepcially by today’s standards of legal adulthood, but families would cringe if such tradition were ignored, and quinceneras aren’t really about offering your daughter out as a marraigeable woman at the age of 15 these days, either.

These are just a few examples I can give off the top of my head for some ceremonies common in Western society – in other areas of the world, there are even more important rituals to mark important moments in life, and to show to movement from childhood to adulthood, from single to married unit, etc.

As for being “officially” engaged – it falls under the same thing, of expectations of certains steps to be taken before it “counts”.  Many people see the giving of the ring as the beginning of the “betrothal contract”.  It follows a certain tradition that used to always start with negotiations with the lady’s father, and ending where possibly, possily without prior knowledge on her part, the man then formally asks for her hand and presents her with some engagement gift to symbolize that he is serious, that he has made a committment and investment into the upcomimg marriage, and also to deomstrate to her family that he is a man who can support his future wife.  By the time a ring is given, USUALLY, a man has made up his mind.  He took the time to think things over, make a decision, and then follow through with the accepted steps of the dance according to our culture’s tradition.  I can’t say how many women in history have been told by men that they’d marry them, but never got a ring or any vows.  The presentment of the ring IS an “I’ll believe it when I see it”.  It sounds horrible, I guess and unromantic, but the engagement IS a contract between you two to follow through and marry each other.  Would you buy a car without a contract, or a house?  In fact, in buying a house there are bids, deposits, forms and all sorts of steps you have to take before you officially sign on the house, making it yours.  These are in place, partly to help the realtor or seller know you are serious and not a waste of their time and monay.  Engagement is kinda like that – you now have a kind of contract that spending time and money on the wedding isn’t a waste, it’a agreed upon, officially by both parties – that one of you isn’t going to spend loads of money only to have the other not honor the “contract” and  back out (yes, this happens, but hopefully not all that often).

I mean, most of us on here wouldn’t count ourselves as married without the ceremony, right?  Even though the decision to live together a life-long partners, to possibly start a family, to accept each other and their families (as much as possible, at least) as a married couple was made before even being engaged?  I get what you are saying – I’m just bad about playing Devil’s Advocate.

Frankly, I, too, don’t quite understand men who tell their soon to be afianced that they have a ring and are hiding it until the right moment – I mean, maybe there are just a lot of couples who can’t surprise each other anymore?  I can understand the man buying a ring, and keeping it until he figures out when and where he wants to give it.  I can understand stories about women who find the ring while putting away laundry or seomthing, but don’t let him know they know.  I’m just uncertain as to how the whole going shopping together, picking out the exact ring together, even buying the ring that day, but not giving it then works.

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