Post # 1
Okay bees, I have to ask your opinions on this.
Since February our plans had been to build a house in 2013 and get married in 2014. In July we evaluated our financial situation and decitake it would be best for us to get married before we build a house, so we decided to get married in 2013 and build our house in 2014. (We already own our lot together for this house) We have picked our preferred date, toured several venues, I have tried on dresses, and he is ready to start putting money down on our venue and vendor. But here is the kicker, while we have looked at engagement rings (so he would know what I like) and even got my father’s blessing, he has not proposed nor has he given me a ring (both of which he says he is going to do). He doesn’t consider us to be engaged, but I am starting to feel like we did already cross that line. If he proposes will he not ask “will you marry me?” — it seems fairly obvious considering we are about to start putting down payments on our vendors and venue.
What do you bees think?
Post # 3
No; you are not engaged and should probably hold off on making any plans or downpayments.
Post # 4
I’m in the same position, sorta. Fiance asked me to start planning, which we have started planning. But, no ring. At first I thought we weren’t going to do a ring, but then we decided we were and we were waiting for the Amora Gem. So, am I engaged or not? I say, I am. However, if your Fiance flat out says you’re not, then I would say he thinks you need to wait for the ring.
Just curious, why does it matter?
ETA: Here’s a link to my post so you can read up on my situation and what some of the bees on here said: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/am-i-actually-a-waiting-bee
Post # 5
Hmmm good question. Y’all are acting like a newly engaged couple, but a ring doesn’t have to mean anything. Plenty of people get engaged or make marriage plans without them. If it helps you feel more legit, I would just ask your b/f about the subject and about a future proposal 🙂
Post # 6
He says the proposal “will happen”. I don’t mind one way or the other with the ring, but he doesn’t want to tell anyone until it’s official. My main frustration is that HE wants us to be planning and booking things, where I have been more stubborn since it isn’t “official”. We already have joint finances, for the most part.
I had too much time this weekend and it got me thinking that we really are engaged, we just don’t have a ring on my finger. (which he may or may not already have)
Post # 7
@BlueberryPi: “He doesn’t consider us to be engaged”
Although I agree with you that everything you’ve discussed, as well as the fact that your SO has asked your father’s blessing, and the fact that you’re looking at rings and dresses, and “are about to start putting down payments on our vendors and venue,” makes things sound as if you are engaged, if your SO does not consider you to be engaged, you’re not engaged.
I would not begin spending any money on a wedding until after you have received — and have accepted — a formal proposal.
Post # 8
Nope, you’re not engaged. When you are engaged, that’s when you should start moving forward with wedding planning.
Post # 9
Some couples agree that the proposal and ring make them engaged. Some just make the mutual decision and then worry about rings later.
However, I have to agree with the PP. One way or another, if he doesn’t consider you to be engaged, you’re not engaged.
Post # 10
I’d say no. We went through most of this as well (minus ACTUALLY touring venues, but we had several that we agreed we liked and wanted to look at bookmarked) but waited until he proposed, SINCE he had acknowledged that he planned to propose, to call ourselves engaged.
Post # 11
Of course not, you said yourself he doesn’t consider you both to be engaged. You can’t be engaged to yourself!
Post # 12
Yeah, if your SO says you’re not engaged, you’re not. Pretty plain and simple. That having been said, I was in a similar situation with having to start planning prior to the actual engagement, but because he lives overseas, and our time table was closing in for when we wanted toget married, vs. could get engaged. So, until the ring was on my finger, I was saying we had an understanding. It helped that he was oaying for everything, not me, which made me feel really secure aboyut moving forward. The only thing we did before the actual engagement, though, was secure a venue.
Post # 13
It doesn’t matter what plans you are making, if one of you doesn’t consider yourselves engaged…then you definitely are not.
Post # 15
Ugh, it is frustrating! But thank you for your responses. I’m a little nervous, I am taking a class in a few weeks that will take a lot of my time (7 week course) and he stated that if I was unable to get things done before my class started that he would just go and book the places. The money for the wedding is all in a shared savings account already–all of it. He said it to be helpful and to ensure things get done, but it feels like I’m in a tough position either way.
If I acknowledge we are not engaged and don’t work on getting things booked (we picked a very popular venue and are now less than a year out, which has me nervous) then we may lose our preferred location … Though it is much more likely that he will just go make the down payment (thus solidifying our date and decision) himself.
If I continue with personally considering us to be engaged (but acknowledging to him it isn’t official) then I can justify doing the planning and booking things… But the responses here make me feel like that would be wrong.
Post # 16
I was pretty much in the same boat and enaged to Fi – he even proposed but with a promis ring and I said yes to marrying him when he got back from a place he never left too lol sooooooooo… I made him ask me again with my real ring ( great grandmothers) he had to get it from my mom and asked me 3 times inbetween with out a ring so I guess we where super engaged but I made him fly me to NYC and ask with GG’s ring before I would officially say yes- change my facebook status or do any real planning =]