Post # 1
oh hive what to do! mr. alice and i are currently long distance and have spent the bulk of our relationship that way (a notable exception of living together one happy year). i recently received an amazing job offer that would keep us several hours apart our first year of marriage. is that even a marriage? i don’t know! we’d have to keep two separate apartments. i was so looking forward to finally being together and keeping house. should i take the job or risk moving to where he is and being unemployed? if he moved here, he’d be unemployed (we could live on my salary but not on his). have any of you made a long distance first year of marriage work? are we being naive to put our careers ahead of our relationship? advice please!
Post # 3
- Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas
I have heard of this working before! As long as you two are committed to making it work, that’s really all that matters.
Post # 4
Whether you take the job or not, you are just as married. Literally thousands of people do this. My grandparents got married on my grandfather’s shore leave from WW2 service. My dad spent most of his first two years of marriage stationed on a ship for the Air Force. I met a guy in the airport just the other day who was leaving his wife of 3 months to move to Abu Dhabi for a job that would set them up financially for years. My best work friend got engaged Sunday (!!!) and is assuming they will keep separate places for a while.
Whatever you do, make it the right choice for you. If you are separate, you are just as married and join a long line of perfectly respectable people in that situation.
Post # 5
we are kind of in a similar situation and decided it is absolutely not okay for us to spend the first year of our marriage apart! but, that was an exremely personal decision based on us…being unemployed is a huge stress, but for us, being apart would be even worse. tough decision to make!
Post # 6
Oh honey. We lived long distance the first 6 months of our marriage. We were still married, whatever! We did what we had to do. It’s temporary. We had separate apartments, separate bills, separate lives. 4/5 years of our relationship was LDR. Now that he’s home, it’s nice. We’re still pretty independent and do a lot of our own stuff. But we’re still just as married as we were then! Living together doesn’t “make” your marriage or make it official.
Darling Husband got out of the army and now lives with me. I make enough for us to both live off. He’s not employed. But, we’re much happier this way. Yes, I hope he gets a job soon. When I lived with him, I waited tables. It was muy sucky. I barely had any income. But we made it work.
If it’s only a year, no big deal. But there’s no guarantee you’ll have a job at the end of that first year.
If you can make it work, make it work. But sometimes you gotta pay the bills man. If you have a choice to live together, do it. Living apart is no fun. but to me, it was just “same ole same ole” because we had no choice. Then we had a choice. I do hope he finds work soon =]
Post # 7
Can you afford to only have one of you working? Can you afford to keep up two households completely seperate? Will you be able to afford to take time to see eachother during the year to maintain your relationship? If you can’t afford to only have one of you working, it would be difficult to live together even though it is hard on your relationship. One thing I don’t understand is why would you taking this job only mean that you would be apart for a year? Is he going to quit his job after a year or something?
Post # 8
Is there a plan for how you’d be living together at the end of this year if you took the job? Would he definitely move for you then?
If there’s not a clear plan for how you’ll live together after this, I personally would feel a little worried. Some might not be bothered by being so “separate” but others would.
Post # 9
my fiance and I will be going through the same thing. After we’re married, he’ll be moving up to Boston while I finish my degree in Virginia. It’s totally doable and if it’s worth it in the end for both your careers, I say go for it!! It’s only a year and you know you guys can already survive doing long distance. That’s why we’re cool with it. We’ve been dating for 7 years but 2.5 of those years were long distance!
Post # 10
If it is at all an option I would opt for him moving to be with you but if that doesn’t work and you guys have a plan for how to be together eventually I think living separately for a while doesn’t make you an iota less married.
Post # 11
@monitajb and ejs4y8: thank you for the perspective! i should thank my lucky stars that i don’t have to deal with the real fear of distance that military families experience.
@hisbride: that makes sense. best of luck to you both!
@missasb: we can afford living together on just my salary if i take this. if i moved to him i’d have to find something quick in an uncertain economy. we could afford to keep separate households and visit if i took this job, but the time off would be hard-won because both of our jobs are so demanding. your last point is well taken and one my folks have made.
@ everybody: thank you so much for your kind words and support. without the hive i’m not sure where i’d get such thoughtful impartial advice!
Post # 12
What does your FH think about all this? Ultimately it’s a discussion that you need to have with him but from my experience;
My parents lived apart for many months at a time due to my dad’s job. And they made it work for 20 years. For various other reasons they now live in different countries but are still married. For some couples this type of lifestyle really works. You need to think about whether or not you’re comfortable with the idea. I hope you make a decision that you’re comfortable with either way.
Post # 13
Two of my best friends had to live apart while she was in med school and he in grad school – they had been married for 4 years by the time they had to be apart (they were about 30 years old). They ended up divorced because of the strain.
BUT they were split between Massachusetts and Alabama – a HUGE difference when compared to a couple of hours. Just make sure that you make the time to stay on the same path together – my friends changed and diverged from being so far apart. Don’t let that happen to your wonderful new marriage!
Post # 14
you guys are so sweet and great. mr. alice and i have definitely talked it through ad nauseum, but there just doesn’t seem to be an ideal solution. latest plan is we’re going to try to make it work for a year with the promise to sacrifice career ambitions to be together after that (after hopefully saving a bit of money this year just in case).
but it helps to hear your stories of making it work (and it even helps to hear a cautionary tale or two to remind us we must be vigilant about intimacy and communication).
Post # 15
oh, hey, i just noticed i’m now a worker bee, yay! maybe it’s a sign to take the job, haha.
Post # 16
Of course you are still married if you are apart! My Fiance is deploying a month after the wedding, so we’ll be apart, too. It will be ok! If you think that the financial stability is worth being apart for that time, then do it! 🙂