Post # 1
This is my first post on the boards as I have not been able to find any other bees who have posted about this situation. I’m very confused and hurt at the moment and don’t really have any family or friends who can understand my issue.
My FI proposed about 6 months ago. It was somewhat unexpected as we’re both quite young and it took some getting used to at first, but I never had any doubts that I had made the wrong decision in saying yes. He is (or was) an absolutely wonderful guy and I had no doubts that we were supposed to be together forever. After my initial surprise and sorting out all my thoughts (I over-think everything!) I realised I had never been happier and couldn’t believe how lucky I was to be engaged to the love of my life. I fell in love with being engaged and all the joy that comes with it.
My FI has had to work away a lot over the past 5 months and this has put incredible strain on our previously wonderful relationship. After months of petty arguements and me finally finding out about some serious dishonesty and secrets, we broke up a month ago. It has been totally devastating for both of us as we are still totally in love with each other. Despite the pain and resentment, I feel like I am able to forgive him and have agreed to start over. I have kept this break up relatively private as I couldn’t deal with discussing it with all our mutual friends and colleagues.
My question is, where does this leave us in terms of a relationship status? It will be so painful and embarrassing to explain to everyone I know that we called off the engagement, but at the same time, I feel as if going straight back into being engaged would also be entirely wrong. I adored my ring and the promise that was made between us, and am finding it hard to relinquish them. What should I do?
Post # 3
did you set a wedding date when you got engaged? if no then you should say that you are still engaged but you are taking it slowly or that you prefer a longer enagement even because as you mentioned you are still young.
if on the other hand you has settled a date then you can say that you are going to move the wedding to a later stage, you do not have to justify it with every single person
Post # 4
[Comment moderated for trolling]
Post # 5
Your profile says that your proposed wedding date is 2 and a half years away. To me, that seems like plenty of time to get things figured out. However, I would take things slow and keep from bringing up the topic of wedding or engagement to others.
Post # 6
Can you just say that you’re engaged but taking things slow and the wedding won’t be for another couple of years. Just say you have nothing planned yet, you’re just enjoying being together.
Post # 7
Ummm, why don’t you ask him? Strangers on the internet can’t tell you if you’re engaged or not. Communication is essential to the success of a healthy relationship, so you really should start there…
Post # 8
I would say no, though you need to speak to him about it to reach a mutual understanding. But the way to get back together and heal after a break-up isn’t with a wedding.
You need to focus on repairing the problems in your relationship first. Just because you broke up and got back together doesn’t mean they aren’t still there, and they were bad enough that you parted ways once. Try dating each other for a while, communicate, and find ways to address those issues so that they don’t arise again. If things are going well, broach the topic of an engagement again.
Post # 9
@eleven: No one here can answer that question for you. You and your guy need to sit down and figure it out. Sounds like there’s great potential but as to the exact status of your relationship, that’s for you to think about and decide together.
Post # 10
I think you’ll have to sit down with your SO and discuss where you are. I think you can still be engaged, but I would not start planning a wedding and putting down deposits until you have worked through the issues (so you might have a several year long engagement). It sounds like the issues started when he had to work out of town a lot. Is this something he will have to do often? If it is, you’re going to have to decide if that is something you can live with the rest of your life and if you can trust him.
Either way, a bunch of people on the internet cannot tell you if you should stay engaged or go back to a committed, non-engaged relationship.
Post # 11
@eleven: communication is the key in any good relationship. you need to sit down and talk to your bf/fi about your status. start with how you are both feeling now and what you both see for the future. if you are on the same page, great. if not, need for further thought and discussion.
just make sure that your relationship is on solid ground before taking the next step.
Post # 12
@MrsWBS: +1 Most of the time, it’s a simple matter of TALKING to your SO. Whether you want to be engaged again is something that only you and your SO can decide for yourselves.
Post # 13
What does your fiance say? Isn’t he the one to help you answer this question? Is planning a wedding the first thing on your mind when you decide to start over?
Post # 14
Only he can ansewer your question.
If you guys got back together without discussing your status, it sounds like you have not improved on your lack of communication that led to your splitting up in the first place.
Post # 15
I think this is something you and your SO/FI need to sit down and talk about TOGETHER. That’s the only way to ensure that you two are on the same page about this.
Post # 16
I understand where you are coming from OP. My SO and I have put the brakes on getting engaged for a while because our relationship was getting lost in arguments and bickering. We were supposed to “officially” get engaged around easter, but we were fighting a lot and we broke up for about a week. Since we’ve taken engagement off the table, things have gotten a lot better. I’m not 100% sure where we are either. As of right now, I take things one day at a time, and that is best. We are focusing on our relationship, our communication, our happiness together. I hope that as time goes on, our future will become a bit more clearer to us both, but that is for another day to worry about. Right now, I’m focusng on today.
Talk to him and figure out what is best to do for you. Don’t worry so much about everyone else. If you both want to remain engaged, then do so, but I suggest waiting to plan the actual wedding until you both are on steadier ground. Give yourselves some time to just “be.”