Post # 1
I am so damn bitchy sometimes. Poor SO. He gets the brunt of it since I am able to control it with other people. It’s so unfair to him. I am bitchy in probably 30% of our interactions (i.e. making sarcastic, rude, impatients comments), and it gets worse when I have pms.
Some of these are probably close to quotes, but it’s more to give you an idea of what I mean when I say I’m a bitch:
SO leaves the light on in the bathroom– “Uhh, you ever plan to shut that light off?”
SO picks something I don’t like to watch on TV– “You’re crazy if you think I’m gonna watch this stupid shit.”
SO tries to give me a kiss, but he stinks like cigarettes– “Ugh! I’m gonna pass on that because you smell like an ashtray.”
etc. I am a bitch. It’s weird too, because SO and I have been together nearly 10 years and doesn’t hate me at all. He usually responds slightly irritated, but in good spirits about my bitchy comments. He is pretty mellow. He is very affectionate and loving toward me. He’s a sweetheart. He rarely says anything about my bitchiness.
So, how do I change? It’s like these bitchy comments come tumbling out of nowhere. I can definitely control them though because I don’t act like that with my friends, just poor SO.
Post # 3
@secretlyabee: Do you think you act that way to him because he’s weaker than you, personality wise? I know I have to try and maintain a good attitude around my FI because he’s much more soft spoken than I am.
Post # 4
- Wedding: February 2017 - Seattle, WA
@secretlyabee: I’m the same way with my boyfriend!! Poor guy gets the brunt of my anger, no matter what it is I’m angry about. In my defense, he is equally as “bitchy”, haha. Hope someone here has some good advice for us!
Post # 5
Honestly, I think your attitude is really damaging to your relationship. There are a lot of ways to rephrase what you’re saying into something constructive that gets your point across without demeaning your SO. That’s really important in a long term relationship.
I think it takes you 1. thinking and rephrasing before you speak and 2. a lot of effort on your part to be aware of your own actions.
I know I would never stay with someone that spoke to me like you do to him.
Post # 6
I can definitely relate to you. I’ve been trying really hard to rephrase how I say things to him, and try to think of how I would react if he were to talk to me the way that I sometimes talk to him. I take a lot of my frustrations out on him, though. I always apologize soon after lately. I find that it really helps for me to take responsibility for the way that I am treating him, and also helps me to think twice before I say certain things.
Post # 7
@crayfish: +1. Exactly.
Are you angry or unhappy with yourself or your life circumstances? It’s just my personal observation, but most brash people generally are that way because they aren’t completely happy. Do you get something out of being nasty? Do you feel superior to him when you talk to him like that?
Post # 8
@secretlyabee: Alright. I can’t lie that I have also made many MANY simlar remarks to the ones you have. I am sarcastic, aggressive and fiesty. DH calls me his “delicate flower” (after Doug calling Carrie that in an old “King of Queens” episode.) Listen, I’m sure your SO finds this firey part of you somewhat endearing- I know that if I was 100% sweet or calm to DH he would call me boring- he likes that I keep him on his toes.
However, I totally agree that you do need to find some “balance” or bring some sweetness to your inner bitch. If I’ve been particularly edgy, I usually pull back and do something nice for him, cuddle up to him, or say something sweet to him. It’s all about self-awareness.
Post # 9
- Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC
lol i used to be worse but one day he decided no more
when fi gets mad u sit up and listen as its rare
im better now but when i start going out of control again, which is about once a month, he checks me
Post # 10
@Miss_Words: I think it may partly be because he’s so nice and patient, and it’s like I can do no wrong in his eyes. If he said the things to me that I say to him, I’d feel really disrespected. But he just loves me anyway and brushes it off. He has told me I need to be nicer a few times (which sounds like a lot, but we have been together nearly 10 years). I’m not only bitchy. I’m also bossy. Oh dear. I feel like a lost cause, lol.
@Kings7911: SO isn’t bitchy, rude, bossy or sarcastic at all. I wouldn’t be able to handle me at all.
@crayfish: I agree. It’s hard for me to imagine that he would eventually get so sick of it that he would leave (since we’ve been together nearly 10 years and he has hardly ever mentioned it), but it could happen. I mostly just feel bad for the way I say things (like a snobby teenage girl) since SO is so sweet and adores me. He doesn’t deserve it. He rubs my feet all the time, tells me he loves me “so much”, talks to me all the time, loves spending time with me, etc. Sometimes I wonder how he tolerates that crap. I really need to change.
Being bitchy is so ingrained in me though. I grew up with 5 siblings and a single dad. Dad was a railroad worker and heavyweight boxer. All of us kids grew up fighting with eachother, swearing, and basically acting like the Osbournes. We didn’t take shit from each other or anyone. I grew up being bluntly honest and always trying to struggle against my siblings. I think it’ll be hard to shake this part of my personality, but I’ll try.
Post # 11
@secretlyabee: Sounds like us! He’s so passive and I’m so…NOT! The best thing I can do is just pay attention to my words. I’m not always great about it, but I think I’m getting better.
Post # 13
@stuckinwonderland: Definitely. I was much, much, much sweeter to people (other than my family. we’ve always been brash with one another) before I developed anxiety issues. After I developed anxiety issues in my late teens, I slowly became more bossy, impatient and bitchy.
SO has been here through it all. He’d do anything for me. He even works and brings in all the money because working is way too stressful for me because of my anxiety problems.
I think a lot of my bitchiness does stem from being dissatisified with what I’ve accomplished (which is close to nothing), my career (which I do not have), my education level (finished high school, that’s it) and the fact that I can’t even work as a cashier without having a meltdown due to anxiety.
I do not act bitchy toward him to make myself feel superior. I think it’s just me letting off steam since there are so many areas of my life where I have been a complete failure. It’s very difficult since I was skipped a grade in high school, was in all advanced placement classes and got a full scholarship but couldn’t go to school bc of anxiety. I have only ever worked as a cashier despite all the potential I once had.
Post # 14
i guess im bitchy, but i’d like to think that i am just being really honest. I am all about the NO BS route and a lot of people would deem that bitchy.
Post # 15
Also, I haven’t worked in 5 years, but I do volunteer 20 hours a week.
Post # 16
@secretlyabee: I don’t know if I have any advice for you, but I am definitely the same.
My SO and I both talk to each other the same way, which is a pretty even split between totally sappy or bickering / being rude to each other. I think the key is that you’re never really being mean or rude or nasty, you don’t ACTUALLY mean what you say, as long as your SO knows that (which he seems to) then I don’t really see a problem.
Sure, if your SO gets sick of it and asks you to be nicer, then make a big effort to think about what you say, but day to day I’d just try to throw in some more sappy heartfelt stuff, so it is easier for him to dismiss any snippy remarks that you didn’t really think about / mean.