(Closed) Are you allowed to ask why they didn't come?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 17
Member
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

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@speechgal44:  “The reason it bothers me so much is that we had 3 people who drove in from out of town just to be at the ceremony even though they weren’t invited to the reception.”

Not supposed to invite people to the ceremony but not the reception anyway; that’s considered bad etiquette.

Post # 18
Member
890 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@speechgal44:  WOW! How ungrateful! seriosuly, they would only have a “death in the family” -or if they personally had a medical emergency pass with me!  Especially calling last minute && not show up! 

I am sorry this happened but I would ask!  && if they are to chicken to answer they aint worth it !  Good luck!  

 

If you do ask, let us know what happens!  because i may have to do this with some people I have a feeling will do the same thing!

Post # 19
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

If it was my brother, I would ask him why he didn’t show up.

Post # 20
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’d be a brat about it, it’s not like weddings are free! Not necessarily on the fb wall, but a text or fb message. I don’t think I could feign actual concern for their well being convincingly enough to do it face to face, they’d know I was just being a bitch about it. But that’s just me 🙂

Post # 21
Member
6739 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

I say – fk ettiquette.  When someone has SUCH bad ettiquette like this, all bets are off.  I would definitely say something to each and every one of them (well, maybe not the one with the mental health issues). 

I would say, “I’m a little confused.  You didn’t send back your RSVP card, so I counted you as a no.  Then you called me and told me you were definitely coming, so I included you in my numbers to the caterer to make sure your meal would be included and paid for.  Then you didn’t show up.  What happened?”  This way, you let them know that you paid for them, that they screwed you, and that they owe you an explanation – b/c I don’t care what anyone says, they definitely do. 

No one owes you an explanation if they RSVP no, but if they RSVP yes, make you pay for them and then flake out, you deserve a reason why – even if it won’t be the truth, or even if it’ll suck. 

As for your brother and x-gf, it sounds like they still haven’t worked things out.  I would message her and ask what happened a little differently – just say that you thought they were coming and you missed them at the wedding and if everything is ok.  I bet it was a fight or something between the two that kept them from going. 

Post # 22
Member
591 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

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@GroovyHippieChick:  LMAO at your crankiness.  I am cranky too and I’m 15 days out.  

 

Post # 23
Member
382 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

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@speechgal44:  Hahahaha.  Maybe “It’s unfortunate you didn’t show up at my wedding, even after you specifically said you were.  In case you want to send a check to cover your amount of food and drink wasted, the total was $127.37.”  HA!

Post # 24
Member
591 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Also, to answer the OP, I would probably not be able to hold back.

I have one friend who is bringing a girl he just started dating like 12 mintues ago.  I am betting that he shows up solo (if at all).  My plan, somewhat sneaky, is to contact him a few days before our numbers are do and ask the chick’s spelling and confirm she will be there.  But I just have this gut feeling she won’t show.  

Post # 25
Member
2780 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Wow, that was very rude of them, I say they were already rude, so it’s perfectly ok to ask why they didn’t show, especially if you had to make last minute changes to numbers to include them.

Post # 26
Member
3828 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

i think its so incredibly rude to say you are coming to a function and then just NOT show up. I had a birthday party for my Fiance a long time ago and his brother and sister both said they would come. They never showed and i never got ANY explanation from either of them. Honestly, i’m holding onto that grudge because the least they could have done was apologize for not showing up to their brothers birthday. Especially when one lives down the street and i saw them BOTH the next day. 

So i would say something. So rude. 

Post # 27
Member
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think a lot of people truly do not know that the reception hosts pay for your place whether or not you’re there to sit in it.  We were at a wedding last weekend, along with a lot of our friends; one married couple (who are among the closest of our friends) RSVP’ed for their teenage son and their pre-teen daughter, and on the weekend of the wedding, their son elected to stay home and fart around being a teenager (kind of understandable but still…. tell the bride and groom that he’s not coming!), and on the afternoon of the wedding, they decided to send the pre-teen to an evening “kid’s luau party” hosted by the hotel.  The hotel apparently does this every Saturday so parents can have a date night, and they had to pay to put the kid in it, too.  But they’re truly nice people and very good friends of the bride and groom, so I’m pretty sure if they’d known that the bride and groom were paying for their kids either way, their kids would have had their butts at the reception.

FWIW these friends did a courthouse wedding, years ago, and have never planned a catered reception.  They are talking about thowing a vow renewal for their 10th anniversary, with all the pomp and circumstance, and once they start dealing with RSVP’s and catering counts, I am pretty confident they are going to feel really sheepish.

Anyway I think a lot of people genuinely don’t know that it’s such a big deal to RSVP in the affirmative and not show up.

FWIW we had about 5 no-shows for our wedding, but I am attributing that to the death of an acquaintance of mine the night before the wedding; while I wasn’t close with the fellow who died, many in our social circle were, and I can fully understand someone who is dealing with an unexpected death would not be emotionally in the right place for a wedding.

Post # 28
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@speechgal44:  why would people be incited to the ceremony and not reception? Meaning they were not invited to the wedding but asked to just go to ceremony or they were specifically only invited to ceremony ?would find that to be very poor etiquette, hope that’s wasn’t the case.. Then it’s just karma lol

but that aside still rude I just don’t get people like they hopr they still got u s gift!

Post # 31
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@speechgal44:  aww that’s really sweet .. I think it’s interesting to find out during the whole wedding process who really cares for you even amongst your bMaids. Oh and yes unfortunately I wend to a wedding once where she decided to have two receptions one for her friends that was at a nice country club and another at some restaurant. Only thing was she didn’t tell any of us that there were 2 ceremonies so when sone other friends asked where they needed to go they hopped in a car to the “friends” reception and didn’t have a seat when they got there!! Talk about awkward And rude!

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