(Closed) Are you allowed to ask why they didn't come?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 48
Member
663 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings

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@speechgal44:  What did the co-workers say to the husband?? That a good idea but just not blatant enough for me.

Post # 49
Member
6739 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@speechgal44:  At least you got an apology from your brother’s x.  I bet anything that they couldn’t make it because of your brother and/or a fight.  Have you tried contacting any of the others (other than the one with the mental health issues..)?

Post # 51
Member
1652 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Ooh my goodness, I would be FUMING!! How can they be so thoughtless and rude, not even to apologize if they were on facebook after your wedding! So strange! I know it may not be etiquette, but I think I would just have to say something slightly sarky to them, like ‘Hey, just to say we were sorry not to see you at our wedding last week as we’d really looked forward to it after you RSVP’d. Are you ok? We were worried about you. Such a shame you couldn’t make it, we had places and meals all set up and ready for you.’…it depends how good a relationship you want with them..but man, I’d be sooo cross!

Post # 52
Member
7265 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

My cousin RSVPed with her dad as her date. FWIW, her parents are divorced and her mom (my aunt) and her new husband were invited. I dealt with it, but then I heard through the grapevine her dad couldn’t decide if he was coming. I has to contact her several times to find out, finally about a weeke bfore the wedding she told me that he wasn’t coming, but she might bring a friend. I put my foot down and told her no, that I was submitting the seating chart and that was that. She said she was coming, alone, and then no-showed. 

I sent her a +1 because I thought she had a boyfriend. She RSVPs with her dad, but then changes her mind? I was so sick of the crap that I finally had enough. It’s not like she didn’t know anyone, she knows our entire family for goodness sake. 

Post # 54
Member
1434 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

I’m unclear why people are not supposed to call other people out on their rudeness. I’m unclear why a person who behaves unpoorly goes unchallenged. I do not understand why a person is advised to harbor resentment and stress because this person “shouldn’t say anything” to the offender. I, for one, do not have time to carry all that stress around, and I’d ask.  

The other side of it might be that there was a legit problem. 

You can ask in a way that doesn’t come across as rude, but there’s nothing wrong with asking your guests why they didn’t make it. Maybe someone’s mother died or they got in a car accident. I’d never think it was rude to ask someone what happened to them. I think it’s rude not to. You might have guests who were thinking, “Oh, they won’t even notice I’m not there,” and by not asking, you might be confirming the thought that they weren’t missed.

Questions do not have to be uncomfortable or taboo. Just ask. 

Post # 55
Member
1434 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

I know that hindsight is 20/20, but from reading these examples of no-shows,but it seems that part of the charm of final guest lists is hedging your bets and wagering food money on whether the person will show up. 

In some situations, I guess a bride needs to interperate whether her guest is really sincere about accepting the invite. Sometimes, even if the guest says yes, the bride might still need to put the person down as no. It’s a fine skill to develop. Do you want to spend thousands too much or be short a few dinners? A plated dinner would be very wisky. But a buffet might give you leeway to do this. 

Post # 56
Member
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I have a few of you Bees beat.  My wedding was last week and I had about 60 no shows.   Yes you read it right 60 no shows!  I am beyond flipping pissed!!!  I wasted over 4k in food.  I had tables where there were only 2 people at it.  I had empty tables. I had a shit load of food left over.  I have no desire to ever speak to those people again.  NONE!  Some of them were people that RSVP on their own before the deadline but most were ones I had to track down.

I am even more pissed because I ended up inviting this girl because she helped my get a venue for my bridal shower/rehearsal dinner.  So I invited her last minute just to be nice.   I really don’t know this girl from a can of paint.  Day of my wedding she was having baby sitter issues and text me that she was sorry but couldn’t find someone to watch her son.  Then she text me back  and said nevermind she found someone and came.  She doesn’t even know me and when she thought she wouldn’t be able to make it she texted and said something.  I’ve known some of these people for years and 6 days have passed and I haven’t heard a word out of them.   They have liked my pictures on FB and commented on how beautiful I looked, which I did, but haven’t said shit else to me.  

While tracking some of those people down, I did explain to them that I needed to know if they were coming because I had to pay the caterer and I didn’t want to run out of food.  I tried to get across to them that I had to pay per person but I guess that went right over their heads.  Some of them are married so they should know about cost.   I still had about 130 people and we partied until 2:30 in the morning but every time I think about that 4K that was wasted, I want to BITCH SLAP someone.  When I see these people, and I will, and they ask how was the wedding how the hell am I not suppose to say I ended up wasting 4k because people RSVP that they were coming and didn’t then just stare at them.  The most important person showed up, my new husband, but that 4K will drive me crazy for along time.

Post # 57
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

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@beachbride1216:  in scotland it’s common for protestant brides to invite their congregation and provide tea after the ceremony for any member of the church who wants to come.  That’s not bad ettiquette it’s sharing the day with people who are in your lives.  So maybe it’s something like that?

Here it;s more common to have additional guests at night after the meal for dancing.  My Fi and I are having 50 for the day and an additional 50 at night (workmates etc who we want to share our day with in someway but they aren’t close enough to sit in an intimate setting with our close family etc).  Different places have different customs.

Post # 58
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

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@mrsjjohnson2b:  OMG I would be furious.  I’m so glad you had a great day though 🙂 xx

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