Post # 1
My boss’ words have been drifting in and out of my head for the past few weeks, “Honey you need to stop being an enabler!”
A what?? Not me! How the heck am I an enabler? …and then it dawned on me…I AM! I am a full fledged enabler. Granted, I am not referring to an enabler of an addict or an alcohol abuser, but all in the same I think I fit the bill.
Here’s the definition: “Someone who enables others to achieve their goals, especially those who enable another person to persist in their unproductive or self-destructive goals by providing excuses or by helping that individual avoid the consequences of such behaviour.”
Why am I an enabler? Well here’s what helped me to give my head a shake today. Dear Fiance is a good man, with a good heart, and good intentions, but man oh man does this guy need a kick in the butt sometimes! He has a really important meeting (not work related) coming up on the 30th of this month and for the past few weeks has been putting off getting ahold of the other fellow that needs to be present at the meeting. Well today I texted my man and said did you get ahold of him yet? He proceeds to call me saying he lost the guy’s number and needs me to look it up. While I’m in the process of finding this essential number that should have been in his day-timer he than asks me, “So what should I say to this guy?” Uhhhhh I don’t know it’s your meeting! Yet there I was telling him some good points and key phrases to say to the guy.
Then it hit me! Wow my boss was right! I do this all the time. I find numbers for my man, I write letters and emails for him, I schedule his appointments, I organize his work bag, etc. etc. etc. I even manage all of our bills and give us a weekly “allowance” based on our budget for each month. I AM AN ENABLER.
My man could probably do all of these things for himself, but I’ve gone ahead and created a monster! I think at this point I’m in a viscious cycle….
Are any of you ladies an “enabler” for you man or otherwise?
Post # 3
I am you. You are me. LOL
Post # 4
Not now, but I was with my ex. It got to the point where it was easier to just do things for him than walk him through every little step of everything, over and over again. Now I realize he was playing me like a fiddle the whole time, knowing I’d just get frustrated with him and do everything myself.
Just think: when you have kids, you’re gonna need a husband. Right now, it kind of seems like you’ve got a kid. Might want to nip that in the bud now..
Post # 5
I am a reactionary anti-enabler. My mother is the queen enabler, and still attempts this behavior with me (and my sisters) to varying degrees of success. I have to stop and tell her “I don’t have a problem, and you don’t need to solve it.” I like to ask her advice or opinion, but I have to stop her from then trying to DO it for me.
So I take the exact opposite route, which is actually hard! It is truly a learned behavior. When she asks about things going on for FH (like what he’s getting his parents for Xmas) I tell her “I don’t know, its his problem to solve.” and she is so proud of me. Just not able to do it herself.
P.S. I am totally concerned with what he’ll get them, but I can’t do it for him or he will NEVER learn to do it himself. So hard!
Post # 6
i dont know, with little things that don’t matter, i guess i am. my man drinks too many energy drinks and eats too much pizza. we talk about it all the time, but what do i do? pick it up at the grocery store! and of course it’s for him, since i don’t consume that stuff.
but important things, i tend to lean towards the other end of the spectrum. almost a nagger!
Post # 7
This sounds like me. Even worse, I am a ‘fixer’. I take on fixer-uppers in all aspect of my life, diy furniture, crafts, which are all fine, but I have a history of going after the diy men. Not good. When I met my ex he had no job, was living with a friend, and didnt even have a vehicle. After a year of trying to make him into what I thought he “could be”. I gave up after he kept dissapointing me.
I have done my very best since then to not act this way! My SO is a prize, who needs no fixing 🙂
Post # 8
@Miss Peach Tree:
I love that: Reactionary Anti-Enabler–I am claiming that title as well. I absolutely hate co dependency, my Fiance leans that way & I do call him out on it. It usually manifests along the lines of “I figured if I did this, you’d be mad, so I did that instead.”
Makes me insane. I’ve told him the best way to find out what I want is to ASK ME.
Post # 9
@lezlers: Funny you say that because my boss was shocked to hear it was my man and not a child that I was speaking to on the phone the other day..haha sheesh.
Post # 10
@mrs.peters.to.be: they only get away with what you allow them to get away with. I know it’s hard but a “I don’t know dear, you’re going to have to figure that one out on your own” can go a long way.
I had to tell my ex “I’m sorry but between two part-time jobs and law school at night, I don’t have time to do your invoices for your computer business while you go golfing.” He whined and bitched and complained but when he finally figured out I wasn’t giving in, he somehow miraculously learned how to do it himself. Amazing!
Post # 11
@lezlers: I think you are very right on this one! It’s all really started to sink in and I think it’s going to take some work on my part to make him man up about his responsibilities. The first step: realizing it!