(Closed) Are you an enabler??

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Are you an "enabler"?
    Yes. Unfortunately, it's all the time! : (9 votes)
    28 %
    Yes. Only sometimes or for minor things. : (14 votes)
    44 %
    No. I hate co-dependency : (8 votes)
    25 %
    Other. Please explain. : (1 votes)
    3 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    7587 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2010

    I am you. You are me. LOL

    Post # 4
    Member
    1893 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    Not now, but I was with my ex.  It got to the point where it was easier to just do things for him than walk him through every little step of everything, over and over again.  Now I realize he was playing me like a fiddle the whole time, knowing I’d just get frustrated with him and do everything myself.

    Just think: when you have kids, you’re gonna need a husband.  Right now, it kind of seems like you’ve got a kid.  Might want to nip that in the bud now..

    Post # 5
    Member
    200 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    I am a reactionary anti-enabler. My mother is the queen enabler, and still attempts this behavior with me (and my sisters) to varying degrees of success. I have to stop and tell her “I don’t have a problem, and you don’t need to solve it.” I like to ask her advice or opinion, but I have to stop her from then trying to DO it for me.

    So I take the exact opposite route, which is actually hard! It is truly a learned behavior. When she asks about things going on for FH (like what he’s getting his parents for Xmas) I tell her “I don’t know, its his problem to solve.” and she is so proud of me. Just not able to do it herself.

    P.S. I am totally concerned with what he’ll get them, but I can’t do it for him or he will NEVER learn to do it himself. So hard!

    Post # 6
    Member
    940 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    i dont know, with little things that don’t matter, i guess i am. my man drinks too many energy drinks and eats too much pizza. we talk about it all the time, but what do i do? pick it up at the grocery store! and of course it’s for him, since i don’t consume that stuff.

    but important things, i tend to lean towards the other end of the spectrum. almost a nagger!

    Post # 7
    Member
    489 posts
    Helper bee

    This sounds like me. Even worse, I am a ‘fixer’. I take on fixer-uppers in all aspect of my life, diy furniture, crafts, which are all fine, but I have a history of going after the diy men. Not good.  When I met my ex he had no job, was living with a friend, and didnt even have a vehicle. After a year of trying to make him into what I thought he “could be”. I gave up after he kept dissapointing me.

    I have done my very best since then to not act this way! My SO is a prize, who needs no fixing 🙂

    Post # 8
    Member
    9110 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2010

    @Miss Peach Tree:

    I love that:  Reactionary Anti-Enabler–I am claiming that title as well.  I absolutely hate co dependency, my Fiance leans that way & I do call him out on it.  It usually manifests along the lines of “I figured if I did this, you’d be mad, so I did that instead.”

     

    Makes me insane.  I’ve told him the best way to find out what I want is to ASK ME.

    Post # 10
    Member
    1893 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    @mrs.peters.to.be:  they only get away with what you allow them to get away with.  I know it’s hard but a “I don’t know dear, you’re going to have to figure that one out on your own” can go a long way.

    I had to tell my ex “I’m sorry but between two part-time jobs and law school at night, I don’t have time to do your invoices for your computer business while you go golfing.” He whined and bitched and complained but when he finally figured out I wasn’t giving in, he somehow miraculously learned how to do it himself.  Amazing!

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