Are you best friends with your spouse?

posted 10 months ago in Emotional
  • poll: Do you consider your partner/ spouse to be your best friend?

    Yes

    No

    Other (Explain)

  • Post # 61
    Member
    4259 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2016 - Manhattan, NY

    View original reply
    @mrssouthernfairytale:  I certainly understand the sentiment but do not use the term “best friend” to describe my relationship with my husband. He’s my other half, the man that I chose to spend every day of the rest of my life with, and the man I’m starting a family with. Friendship is an important component of our marriage, but that’s just one part of it, and I believe that he belongs in a category of his own for those reasons. Admittedly, when I hear people describe their SO as their best friend, the relationship sounds less serious and less romantic to me, as if they’re just a couple of old pals who decided to be together out of convenience. I don’t know why, but that’s what comes to my mind. 

    Post # 62
    Member
    1058 posts
    Bumble bee

    One more thing (I don’t know why I’ve commented on this thread so much, it must be subconsciously kind of a big deal to me but I’ve never consciously thought about it before), in my case thinking of my partner as a friend on top of being someone I’ve been romantically attached to for a long time and who I plan to marry often helps me stay “on track” during arguments. I try not to say anything to him that I wouldn’t say to any of my other close friend, even in the heat of the moment—that is, I tell him the absolute truth, but try to say it in the most caring way possible. Even if I get super irritated at him and snap, forgetting in that moment that I’m attracted to him and love him in a romantic sense because he’s being RIDICULOUS, remembering that he is my friend helps me to apologize and try to see things from his perspective.

    I’m not saying that anyone who doesn’t consider their spouse their “best friend” is necessarily any more likely to slip into abusive or unhelpful tactics when they argue—some people are more naturally likely to fight dirty than others, regardless of the kind of relationships they have with their husbands or wives. But in my own circle I have noticed couples who have been together a super long time, to the extent that the honeymoon is definitely over, who don’t have any degree of friendship to fall back on, tend to bicker and name-call in public a hell of a lot more. Once a friend of mine angrily called her husband a “lazy motherfucker” to his face in my presence like it was no big deal. I pointed out that I had never heard her call any of her girlfriends names like that, and she looked at me like I was nuts and said, “He’s not my friend, though, he’s my husband. We’ve been together forever, he can take it.” ????? Keeping your spouse in a separate category than your platonic friends by treating him at least as well if not better than them, I get, but using that distinction as an excuse to throw your filter out the window? No.

    Post # 63
    Member
    9439 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    He’s not my best friend – he’s my husband. Of course we are very good friends, confide in each other, enjoy doing the same things, etc etc but calling your spouse your best friend was always kind of cringy to me. There are some bad-ass chicks who had been filling that roll for more than a decade before he waltzed into the picture. 

    Your best friend is someone you can no-filter bitch about your husband to in my book.

    Post # 65
    Member
    7579 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    No, not at all. Not gonna lie, I generally side-eye the “he’s my best friend” comments when other people make them. I mean….if you and your spouse legit started out as best friends and then it turned to more, ok I guess.

    For me personally, my husband is my ultimate partner in life and the one I love dearly. He’s the best dad and husband, but he’s not my best friend. But my best friend is my ride-or-die who has been with me through thick and thin since we were 12 years old. She’s been with me through almost every major life event, good and bad. We know all each other’s secrets and she’s who I turn to when I need to vent. Deoes that mean I don’t talk to my husband? Of course not, we most certainly talk about our daily lives and important things but there’s just something differnet about talking to your best friend. 

    Post # 66
    Member
    5992 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2017

    No. I have a best friend and a husband. I love my husband to bits but he will never take the place of my best friend who I’ve known through my ups and downs before him, and she will never take the place of my husband who is in a league of his own. Separate loves.

    Post # 67
    Member
    5992 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2017

    View original reply
    @xiphosura:  your friend is just an asshole and her treatment of him has nothing to do with whether he’s her best friend or not.

    Post # 68
    Member
    824 posts
    Busy bee

    I’ve never used the term “best friend” for anyone in my life, but if I were to consider what it means to me to have a friend, I suppose I would describe my fiance as my closest friend. We’ve known each other for 20+ years, and at this point he is my only friend from childhood with whom I am still close. I am introverted and largely asocial, so while I was part of a friend group in school, it was more out of expectation than actually feeling close to all of those people.

    By the time I got to college and grad school I had stopped feeling like I was required to make and have friends if I wasn’t really interested in doing so. I am not socially anxious and don’t have trouble talking to people, but I’ve found that I just don’t “click” with people most of the time, and I no longer feel pressured to force a connection if I’m not feeling it. 

    I did make a new friend in grad school that I became pretty close to, though we live in different states now, so I assume we will be long distance casual-type friends going forward. My fiance is slightly more socially inclined than me and is friendly with a couple of people from his work. He is also still friends with some of the guys from school.  But like me he is still quite introverted and prefers keeping up with them via text most of the time.

    I can see the argument of putting too much expectation on a partner by calling them your “best friend.” But I don’t think it’s automatically a problem if a natural dynamic has formed where partners fulfill the same needs as friends or are just closer to each other than other friends. It’s not like either my fiance or I made the conscious decision to be “best friends.” I think it’s just an expected outcome of our personalities. We both have low social requirements, so it isn’t hard to fulfill that for each other. Just living together and hanging out regularly fills up our need for sociality most days and then some.

    Post # 69
    Member
    1058 posts
    Bumble bee

    View original reply
    @lifeisbeeutiful:  Ex-friend, and yes, I believe I said as much. It was just an observation. She is the extreme example, but I’ve seen elements of that kind of thinking in other relationships where friendship is not considered important at all, where a husband or wife dynamic is expected to run on the fumes of romance and intimacy that might not be sustainable over time. The whole “I’m marrying my best friend” thing is cliche and we should all think about what it actually means before deciding blindly that we want it, but while we’re doing that we should also be just as aware of the other cliches—like “if you’re ‘friends’ with your spouse the spark will die and you’ll be doomed to be married to a ‘roommate’.” Neither extreme expectation is realistic or beneficial. 

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