samael : “
“Something I don’t understand about this discussion, is when woman say, “Yes I’m changing my name I’m excited to join his family.”
But isn’t he excited to join your family too?”
When I say I’m joining his family, I don’t mean I’m joining his parents’ family(ies). I mean I’m joining his family. There will be little left of my single self/life after we have children, and this little left for him to join. He’s joining me, yes, but more of what was previously him will be there so it’s makes sense to me to use that name.
“Why is the expectation on the woman to change her name to join the husbands family?”
Because that’s how most European cultures did it. Other cultures, such as Spanish, pass down the mother’s name. But everyone should do what makes most sense to them and their situation.
“Why don’t people expect men to change their name to join the woman’s family?”
Because people tend to blindly expect what they are used to. If you went to other cultures the expectations would be different.
“Why do people say I want our children to have the same name? Ok, so why can’t your husband and your children have your last name?”
As a family I feel that we should have the same name. Same reasons as above for me taking his name.
“That’s why I think it’s inherent sexism and erasure of identity. Why do so many people expect women to do this? Why are so many women happy to do this? I don’t understand.”
I’m happy to do this because I’d rather be a mother than an accountant. So I’ll erase away that identity as an accountant and take on one as a mother. I haven’t ever been a mother under this name. I’ve used it to have jobs and go to the DMV. I’m not really attached to those things. If someone gets a PhD or medical license they take on the identity of “Dr” and erase the identity of Mr or Ms. I’m considering this likewise a step up and getting a new name with it.
I will say I don’t think people should expect women to do this, especially if they don’t know her circumstance. What if she will continue to be a doctor? Her identity in that case won’t really change- she’s just gaining a husband, so it would make sense to me if she kept her name.