Are you changing your last name?

posted 2 years ago in Traditions
Post # 91
Member
1064 posts
Bumble bee

beecee :  I see what you are saying.

I don’t see the point in continuing a tradition rooted in sexism and patriarchy because that’s what generations prior did.

My future in-laws have opinions about me keeping my last name. Eyeroll! None of their business.

Post # 92
Member
213 posts
Helper bee

beecee :  “But my name is my father’s name – and my grandfather’s name, etc.”

I think this is the one of the weaker arguments for the woman changing her name and not the man. How is the woman’ name her father’s but her husband’s name his own (rather than his father’s)?

Personally I consider the name I have always had to be my name. If my dad suddenly decided to change his name, my name would still be my name. If I had been given my mum’s surname that would be my name, regardless of if she kept it or changed it for herself. If my husband had been given his mum’s surname that would be his name (and I still wouldn’t have taken it). If she had then changed her surname, his name would still be HIS name. 

Post # 93
Member
39 posts
Newbee

I’ll be changing my name but I am thinking of moving my maiden name as a second middle name. 

Post # 94
Member
709 posts
Busy bee

No. I’m 25 and always been my name, have no desire to change it.

Post # 95
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I kept my name, I have a strong sense he may take mine when the time comes that we have kid as he likes mine better as it has historical significance and we have a strong sense of heritage on my side. I tease him he has three first names as his first, middle and last and i’ve got a perfectly good last name just sitting here.  Even if he doesn’t take mine he’s been adamant from the beginning he wants our kids to have my last name.   Professionally, i enjoyed a story I heard recently when a Dr. was asked why she didn’t take her husband’s last name she replied “because he didn’t go to med school and i did” I feel the same way professionally, except sub in law school.

 

Honestly whatever people do is fine if ithey are happy and it suits them. nothing worse than being called one thing and feeling like quite something else.

Post # 96
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

coolwater17 :  I’m not sure why I’m just seeing this now, sorry about that! I think you have a totally great point. I think for me (and this isn’t true for everyone) I don’t actually have that strong of an attachment to my last name and I know my FH does. He feels that it’s really important for him to carry on his family name, and I don’t have that kind of attachment to mine. Actually, my grandfather changed his last name to a made-up name back in the 40’s  to sound less “Jewish”, so it’s not technically my family name to begin with! To me the issue about changing my name is more about being asked to change my own identity just because I’m getting married…I’m still me! Giving my children their father’s last name doesn’t feel like an assault on my personal identity in the way that me changing the name that I’ve had for 29 years does(I recognize that’s strong wording but you get the point, hopefully). HOWEVER, I say this with the caveat that many women do feel their children should be given their last names and I don’t disagree with them, after all, we’re the ones doing the heavy lifting!!! I guess my bottom line is that women should feel comfortable doing what feels right for THEM, not what’s socially acceptable or traditional. 

Post # 97
Member
1165 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

beecee :  My husband took my last name. We have no relationship with his family and that was part of the reason. The other part was because my family name would have died out (only girls in the family) so no one could carry it on. My parents have been like parents to my husband so he wanted to carry on the name. He says “I’ve always felt like a ‘yourlastname’ more than a ‘mylastname’” which I have always found to be really sweet 🙂 I’ll be honest, it’s been a bizarre change and I have to remind myself that he doesn’t have his old last name anymore, but it’s awesome because I didn’t have to do any of the paperwork 🙌🏻

Post # 98
Member
1105 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

samael :  

“What do you mean when you say “He’s joining me, yes, but more of what was previously him will be there so it’s makes sense to me to use that name.”?

More of what was previously him? How so?”

It will be a change for both of us, but it will be a bigger change for me. For 10+ hours a day he manages logistics. Before we were together that’s what he did, and after we get married and have children that’s what he will do. After we have children he will manage logistics 10 hours a day, and be a secondary care-taker in the evenings and on weekends. 

Now I do accounting most of the day. I did accounting 10+ hours before we got together. After we have children I will be a primary caretaker, not an accountant. I will take care of children and a house all day. (Yes, obviously now someone takes the trash out and does the laundry. But it could be better kept the more time you have to spend on it, within reason.) My entire function will change. It won’t be my job to earn an income; it will be my job to raise children. This is a complete change from what I am doing now. 

Admittedly, this is more of a gradual change, as I am going to stop working when we have children, not when we get married. But having children is a large part of a marriage for us, so it makes sense to me to tie it to the marriage- which we have control over, rather than conception- which no one has total control over. But at the same time I’m not exactly pursuing promotions now because I know I am going to walk away. So the marriage makes as much sense as any other time to change my name to reflect my new identity. 

Given that, in my case, there will be bigger changes in my life after marriage, it makes more sense to me to change my name than his. And one or the other would change if we are going to have the same name as a family. 

There are some positions that are considered different enough to add something to your name. People add Dr to their name, and I know some people college who sign their name Esq. Its a new identity that they feel is important enough to add to their name. I don’t see how that’s different for women who choose to do so upon marriage. Or for the women who choose to do so at the birth of their first child. 

To contrast, if a woman told me that she worked 50 hours a week as a financial analyst, she is getting married, she is going to continue to work 50 hours a week as a financial analyst, and she is keeping her name that would make sense to me. Whether there’s no plan for kids, a Stay-At-Home Dad, a partner who will be a Stay-At-Home Mom, or outsourced child care what she will be doing most of the time will be the same. Her identity (unless she tells me different of course) doesn’t seem like it is changing; she is adding something to her life not fundamentally changing it. Of course, she is free to do what she wants. 

Post # 99
Member
729 posts
Busy bee

I keep my last name, as so are women of my family. I told my then-FI that it is the tradition in our place and family.

Post # 100
Member
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I dont speak to my father and my mom has already changed her last name to my stepdads, so the only ties i have to maiden name is him…. i almost changed it years ago to just get rid of it, but decided to just wait till marriage! My fiance was happy I would change it, but told me he was fiine whatever i wanted to!

Post # 101
Member
518 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Yes I did, and the number one reason being so that our future children have the same last name as both of their parents as a family unit. Also, I did not care for my maiden last name and I have a HUGE and crazy family with plenty of male cousins to carry on the name and crazy genes. Where as my husband only has 5 family members so I want to carry on the legacy, and it is a much nicer sounding name, easier to spell. I got SO sick of spelling out my last name every time I said it!

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