(Closed) Are you close to sibling in laws? Having trouble with sister in law

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
607 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I used to be in that boat… my blood boiling was an often occurence. 
Then one day actually about two months ago I sat down with her and blew a gasket. I yelled, she yelled, we both cried and said how we really felt and we’re great now. It was all a big communication problem stemming from 8 years ago when I first started dating FI/her big brother. 
Sorry Im not much help otherwise tho?

Post # 3
Member
2696 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I find that time helps to lower expectations.

When DH and I first became involved I was so excited that he was from a big family, as I’ve alwasy wanted to be in a big family. It’s just my brother and I, and while we get along well he lives far away whereas all of DH’s siblings are within a half hour.

They are not in the same mind frame of wanting a close relationship. This really hurt my feelings at first, after a while I realized it’s not me, it’s them. Cheesy as that sounds. You can’t make someone be close to you, or make someone even like you. Sometimes you just have to take things as they are and let go of expectations. Makes life a lot better. But how? This circles me back to time. I would stop inviting her to do things (which is sounds like you have) and just be civil around her. Do not let this cause a rift with your husband or other in-laws. It’s not worth it. In time it will get easier. ๐Ÿ™‚ Good luck.

Post # 4
Member
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m not very close with my SIL. We are friendly with each other but we might as well be strangers. I dont agree with her life choice no, I’m not super judgey, but honestly she just looks out for her and never puts anyone before her…not even her children. She expects my husband to drop whatever he is doing to come help her, even though we live 500 miles away. I wish I was joking. Anyway I just kind of smile and play nice when we do see each other. I’m lucky in that I dont see her often..maybe two or three times a year.

Post # 5
Member
553 posts
Busy bee

My DH has just one sister and we no longer have contact.  I had her in my wedding to be nice and it was nothing but stress for me.  And I don’t see the point in us exchanging presents at Christmas with people who can’t even manage to congratulate me on my wedding day, or at least shut up and not argue with me.  LOL.  I was the one who made all the efforts, which I didn’t mind but no one reciprocated, not even a couple of my husband’s cousins.  It was strange for me bc in my family we naturally reach out to people marrying into the family, just automatically.  But whatever, each family has different dynamics.

Post # 6
Member
4689 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I really close to one SIL. She’s a few years younger. I’m not as close to his older sis, but we get aliong. Both were BMs.

Post # 7
Member
2010 posts
Buzzing bee

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doubtingdebbieah:  
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Haruyou:  I think we all shared a boat at some stage. In my case it all came to a head, we had a big converstaion about it and then things improved…for the most part. She’s still a little immature and selfish but the day I decided to stop making any more of an effort than I have to was the day life got a whole lot easier. Now I just go on living my life, I’ll be polite when we ever need to be around each other but that’s it. I won’t extend invitations outside of family events, I won’t drop in for a cup of coffee (even though she lives just a few blocks away from me)…we’re not friends and we will never be friends. We’re just too different and that’s okay. It used to make my blood boil because I couldn’t understand how people could be so rude, unappreciative and uninterested in anyone other than themselves (and this girl is married with a child). But then I realised that it’s one of life’s greatest mysteries which will never be solved so why waste any more energy on it? People like that can’t change and that’s fine. She’s content being self-centered and I’m content having one less person to have to make an effort with. That leave more time for my OH and I.

The best advice I could give you is let it go. Focus on other people when she’s around and because she’s so in her own world, hopefully you’ll eventually just forget she’s even there.

Post # 8
Member
607 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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Sukii:  Same thing here! I just almost gave up (?) and its better. If i see her, great. If i dont see her, great too. They live down the street from us too!

Post # 13
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Well I really enjoyed this thread. I dont like my fiancé sister because I feel like she didn’t reciprocate.  I was hurt and angry but after 10 years of being with my SO, I finally accept that I simply don’t care for her. I would like to tell her one day how much I don’t care for her but what’s the point in that.  No point. I just accept that my friendship with her was never meant to be. 

Post # 14
Member
263 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - Ever After Banquet Hall

Yes and no.  Sorry in advance….this is LONG

From my first marriage, I was very close to his mom and his sister. Still am. After he died, that side of the family never stopped considering me part of the family. I was on the fence about how awkward it would be to invite them to my upcoming wedding until I was at a wedding for one of them. I was asked numerous times when “we would be doing all of this” for me LOL Apparently it was never in doubt for them if they would be included. In fact, as my own mother passed away back in 2000, I asked my “other” mom if she would be uncomfortable if we considered her the “mother of the bride” at our wedding. She burst in to tears and hugged me. We are that close. (Funny story, my own sister has to remind herself that we actually came from the same mother because she, too, considers her as my mom LOL). His sister and I are pretty close still. She has her moments where I feel like seeing me happy with someone else makes her uncomfortable, but still happy for me.

Ok, now for the other side. I have never been close to them. Ever. We were married for 19 years when he died and I spoke to his father more in the week after his death than in all 19 years put together. His step-mom, well, she drives me nuts. I am usually an after-thought, if thought of at all. I tried for many many many years to get over the hurt feelings and such, but after a big falling out about 5 years ago (after which she apologized to all of our kids as well as him….but not me), I had enough. I do not talk to her if I can help it. As far as her girls go, I used to be close to one of them, his half sister. But she, too, always seemed to consider me an after-thought. Why should I always be the one to make the effort? When she got married, our family didn’t even have a place to sit. There were seats saved for the bridal party (my oldest son was in the wedding, so at least HE had a place to sit), the neighbors as thanks for helping to decorate, and a few other family members, but not her own brother and his family. He just paced in the parking lot while I sat at a small table by myself by the kitchen. His step sisters and I are not close at all. One has been in and out of rehab for drug use. I don’t trust her. We were always pretty sure she was the one who broke into our house….twice. His other step sister lives in West Virginia and I hardly know her, much less am close to her. I do not consider any of his sisters (except maybe his full sister) to be my family. And, of course, it has gotten worse since he died. One of them is so dramatic, always posting about how much she misses her brother and how she never sees her family anymore because he apparently held the family together. Um, what? His step mom, on the few times I couldn’t avoid her, has made such a big deal out of things. One time, she ran up to me, grabbed my face in her hands, crying, “it never gets easier, does it?” Really? With the exception of his dad, you people were never close to him! You never even told him when his uncle died! Do you think you could try to talk to me about anything other than my dead husband? Grrr. Sorry, I am rambling. Needless to say, no one from that side of the family will be invited to my wedding.

Ok, now for FI’s family. Not close to any of them. But, neither is he, really. He is super close to his brother. They even lived together till he moved in with me. I feel like in time we might get closer, but not yet. He also has two half siblings….who are younger than my own children LOL Since he is not super close to his dad, he never really sees them very often. I have met them, and his dad’s wife is nice, but not sure how close we will ever be.

Sorry, I know this went very very long. I guess my best advice would be to give it time. Either you will get closer or you won’t. It does sound like it is just her nature to be distant to everyone, so at least you know it’s not you….it’s her. I know we all want that instant bond with our inlaws, but sometimes, it just never happens. ๐Ÿ™

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