(Closed) Are you "Marrying Up" or "Marrying Down"?

posted 5 years ago in Money
  • poll: Are you "marrying up" or "marrying down"?
    Marrying up (FI's family is wealthier) : (189 votes)
    25 %
    Marrying down (Your family is wealthier) : (250 votes)
    33 %
    It's about the same on both sides : (329 votes)
    43 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    9955 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    My first marriage…

    Sideways financially… (both families were middle class)

    UP Socially … and

    DOWN Emotionally (My Ex-H came from a long line of Alcoholics)

    This time round…

    Sideways financially… (about the same as my previous marriage situation … although Mr TTR makes more money than I and has more lifelong investments etc)

    DOWN Socially (Mr TTR isn’t into the all “see and be seen scene” … altho to be perfectly honest, I don’t really care so much about that now as I did when I was younger / married the first time)

    UP Emotionally (Mr TTR has a very good grip on WHO he is in life, and he has done much to improve my self-health as well)

    Seeing as your Poll is primarily about finances… I’ve voted for # 3

     

    Post # 4
    Member
    4659 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Technically up, his family is wealthier, but since they have 7 kids it isn’t by that much and it isn’t helpful so in reality it’s about the same… My family is pretty broke, it’d be hard to FIND anyone to “marry down.”

    We’re on our own anyway. I won’t say I don’t wish he wasn’t a rich guy sometimes, but I’d never pick one over him!

    Post # 6
    Member
    1289 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    Both of our families are upper middle class in terms of finances.  The difference comes more from education and intellect.  My family is more cosmopolitan/cultured/intellectual and his are not.  Darling Husband, on the other hand, fits in my family perfectly! They love him! My mom has even said that she’s surprised with how different he is from the rest of his family!    

    Post # 7
    Member
    1368 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    I voted for #3 but technically I’m not sure.

    Maybe it would be correct if I said his parents are wealthier financially than my parents as they have more assets and is more into investments and for that he has richer relatives and I don’t. But these things won’t really benefit us anyway so it doesn’t matter either way.

    Eeducation wise, socially, and emotionally we are the same. We are within our comfort zone I would say.

    Post # 8
    Member
    5011 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2012

    It would be pretty hard to define. If you actually watch Downtown Abbey, marrying down isn’t about money but social class.

    My family come from upper middle-class backgrounds (my grandfather’s were a judge and the head of a firm of accountants and both my parents went to private schools), sadly my parents are rubbish with money so, whilst my brother and I were privately educated, money was always tight. Both families are largely made up of liberal intellectuals and there is still a lot of money around, just not in my nuclear family.

    Darling Husband on the other hand is the only child of very hard-working, entrepreneurial, working class parents who are now very financially comfortable.

    So whilst I married down socially, I married up financially.

    Post # 9
    Member
    9955 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    TO waitingwonderland:  you said…

    Wow I really like your delinations socially, emotionally… it’s so true those matters can affect your life just as much

    Oh trust me… when you marry a ton of things (outside elements) come into play.  Even in today’s society where folks marry for LOVE, there are also other issues that make marrying one person over another more attractive / worthwhile etc.

    Essentially they say in regards to the study of humans, we marry for a wide variety of reasons (although we may say LOVE)

    I will admit clearly, that one of the reasons for me is SECURITY… be that financial security or emotional security

    I don’t like uncertainty in my world… and I don’t like going thru life alone

    I’ve always been this way… so got married the first time for those same reasons (altho the whole emotional thing went off the rails as my Ex was an alcoholic and the years took their toll on him and our relationship)

    And family is HUGE too.  Altho we may naively think that as a couple we are “an island” this really and truly isn’t so.  Unless your Hubby-2-B is an orphan, there are going to be issues with “the inlaws”. 

    At some point in time, the differences between the two families will come to bear…

    And often times that happens once there are kiddies in the picture, and decisions have to be made about things like Birthdays, Holidays, Daycare, Parenting Style, Finances etc.  Try as you might to shut other opinions out (or family history… what your spouce brings to the table in regards to their beliefs / expectations “I want you to stay at home… because it is what my Mom did”… for example).  This junk creeps in and can really cause stress.

    So ya, I think it really really important that young Brides, spend some time evaluating the WHOLE PICTURE.  Because even the slightest issue now will be 10x bigger in 10 Years time.

     

    Post # 10
    Member
    6360 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Somehow this idea bothers me. I’m marrying up, emotionally. He makes my life better. I mean, that is actually why I’m marrying him!

    I’m not marrying his or his family’s social class or financial status, nor is he marrying mine or my family’s. The marrying up/down thing seems insulting to the “down” party, and in this way of seeing things, one of the members of the couple has to be the “down” party. And it just makes no sense…this is a marriage, not a business merger. We are (hopefully) all marrying “up.”

    Post # 11
    Member
    10714 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2012

    @joya_aspera:  I agree. 

    Honestly we married each other and are starting our own family. His family and my family have nothing to do with that, it’s not like they are supporting us financially. I really wish people didn’t put so much emphasis on money, money doesn’t make you a better person. Now if your talking about his income vs mine I married up LOL but when we first met I was making more than him. It went back and forth until he got a pretty decent job and I became a SAHM/W. We just see ourselves as 1 though, it’s our money not his and mine. Anyway… I would never marry someone for money, I am just not that shallow. We may not have a lot but were happy because we love each other. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    1471 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    I don’t know for sure, assume they’re about even? His family is more educated though. All masters and PhDs there :p.

    We met when working exactly the same jthen identical pay! He’s earning less now, because he moved back to the USA, where pay in his state is less than here in Japan, plus he’s not in his long term career job. Cost of living reflects this though (I say as riding THE most expensive single stop subway ride in Japan, and one of the most expensive single rides in the world!)

     

    Post # 13
    Member
    9955 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    RE – Downtown Abbey

    I haven’t seen Downtown Abbey as of yet.  I did GOOGLE it and found a good entry for it on Wikipedia.

    It sounds like the sort of period piece that I’d enjoy

    I am quite fascinated by the Gilded Age… which was just prior to the Edwardian Period.

    And recently spent some time in Newport RI visiting The Breakers “summer cottage” home of The Vanderbilts (built by Cornelius Vanderbilt II in 1893)

    Wikipedia – The Breakers = http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Breakers

    Men and Women of that time were very very concerned about whom they married socially (and financially) waaay more than emotionally.

    One of my favourite Quotes (that we’ve all heard) came from Cornelius’ Sister-In-Law Alva Vanderbilt (married to his younger brother William who was also extrememly wealthy and owned the nearby Gilded Period “summer cottage” Marble House in Newport) was when she divorced William, an alcoholic and womanizer in 1895 (shocking news, as Divorce was virtually unheard of at this time)… and then married William’s longtime friend Oliver Belmont in 1896 (and also wealthy member of the Gilded Age Society… who owned Belcourt “summer cottage” in Newport)… she literally became doubly-famous when she said…

    First Marry for Money, then Marry for Love.

    She also wisely was known for the following Quote as well (as a leader in the Women’s Suffrage Movement)…

    Just Pray to God.  She will help you.

    As an Encore Bride… I have to say I very much respect Alva, and how she paved the way for women… she was quite “the broad” having in her 80 years weathered plenty of misfortune and tragedies.  I think I would have liked her very much IRL.

     

    Post # 14
    Member
    158 posts
    Blushing bee

    It’s about the same on both sides in terms of wealth, but they got their differently. His parents are very educated and academic, whilst my parents weren’t academic/’book smart’ and built themselves on practical trades. 

    Post # 16
    Member
    9056 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2010

    I’d say it’s a fairly sideways move.  We’re both middle class families.  Although, my family makes most of their money in trades (and many have done pretty well monetarily) and I’m the only person in my entire extended family who graduated university, while almost everybody in DH’s family has at least a Bachelor’s degree, but none have entered fields where they make loads of money.  Lots of nurses/civil servants and academics.

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