Post # 1
I’m always under the impression that if 1) you still talk to the couple 2) their wedding was recent (e.g. within 2 years) 3) your wedding is a reasonable size (e.g. not like 10 people total), then you should invite them.
However, we just found out through a reliable third party that someone we know who is getting married this year is highly unlikely to extend an invitation out to us as they are already over capacity for the venue (assuming all the current invitations are accepted). It’s not a small wedding we are talking about; I believe the venue capacity is 150.
The date that they chose is the same day as DH’s birthday, so had we known they were at capacity, we would have likely gracefully declined thus giving them the opportunity to invite others.
Granted, we didn’t invite every single couple whose weddings we attended, but these were people that we haven’t spoken to in 4+ years. For all the other couples, we made sure to include them on the guest list.
What do you think, Bees? Is this rude?
Post # 3
Obligated? No. It would have been nice for them to invite you but they were/are doing what they needed to do to accomodate their wedding. If you had said yes then they could have been pushed over capacity. You never know reasons for why someone is doing something but there is usually always a good one.
Post # 4
No I do not think this is rude. Everyone has to draw a line somewhere.
Post # 5
The more I read about weddings, the more I realize – you’re not obligated to do ANYTHING. It would have been nice for them to extend the invite, but don’t be hurt because they didn’t. They are in quite a situation with their venue, so umm, yikes. Hopefully they get a lot of declines.
My Fiance and I went to a wedding in October and we’re not including that couple on our guest list. We simply aren’t that close to them and therefore didn’t feel that we needed to extend an invite. We were both quite surprised when we got the invite to theirs actually. In any case, we went to theirs and had a wonderful time – but hopefully they weren’y expecting an invite to ours. If so, they were probably disappointed. 🙁
Post # 6
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
I don’t think it’s rude. If it were a good friend, sure. But I know that the one couple whose wedding Fiance and I attended together will not be invited to ours
ETA and we attended that wedding in June. I might feel differently if that couple didn’t profit greatly from inviting us and then make us feel shafted
Post # 7
@Birdee106: I agree that they could’ve gone over capacity and they need to do what they need to do. However, we thought that perhaps a better approach would’ve been to extend us the courtesy invitation so we are included and give us the opportunity to decline politely. As it is DH’s birthday, it is highly likely we would be already tied up with something else anyway. The couple is very very good friends with DH’s sister, so it would been easy for her to give us a warning ahead of time like “Oh, so and so is so stressed out bc her venue only has room for x but her guest list is so long!” We would have gracefully declined, sent a nice gift and she would still have her seats.
Post # 8
I don’t know, circumstances change, relationships change. I attended a couples’ wedding about two years ago, and they’re not invited to my wedding in August.
Post # 9
@lilbluebird: I get that but I think it’s even more rude to invite someone and then make sure someone else (your sister in law) tells you that you can’t come even if you wanted to. How would they be sure that you wouldn’t go? Do they know your schedule?
Post # 10
@Birdee106: That’s true. I get where you (and PP) are coming from.I totally understand the issues with capacity as I’ve been down the planning road before obviously.
I guess it’s just that personally for us, we invited everyone whose weddings we attended and that we still semi-speak to. Further, we invited a couple that didn’t expect to be invited, and they extend us an invitation after that (and I’m pretty sure we weren’t on there before).
Post # 11
I know not being invited stings but, no, it’s not rude. I’d hate to think my Darling Husband and I received an invitation out of a sense of obligation rather than the couple really wanting us there.
Post # 12
@lilbluebird: Guests do indeed have obligations to their hostess, but they aren’t the obligations that you imagine. A well-bred guest, upon receiving an invitation to any formal event, will:
- Send a note of congratulations to the guest of honour (if there is one and there is something being celebrated), or to the hostess (if she is giving a celebration on her own behalf); which note may optionally accompany a gift.
- Reply immediately to the hostess, by the same means as the invitation was extended — to whit in writing on the guest’s own stationery — either accepting or declining the invitation.
- Optionally send flowers to the hostess ahead of the party, or some other small gift the day after the party, and refrain from bringing any gifts to the party itself as that could be embarrassing the hostess or the other guests and could disrupt the social flow of the party.
- Show up (!) if the invitation was accepted (!)
- Send a bread-and-butter note the next day thanking the hostess for her hospitality
- Issue a return-invitation to the hostess (and her spouse or fiance if she has one) to dinner some time during the same season.
Obviously, there’s no obligation to invite the hostess to a wedding, since some reasonable number of the guests will be already married. The married ones don’t get off the hook of having to issue a return invitation, and the unmarried ones are not constrained to limit their return-invitation to a wedding.
In the modern era it is a rarely gracious guest who even knows about expectations 5) and 6). For that matter 1) and 3) seem to constitute insider knowledge alas, and some guests even flout 2) and 4). But traditional etiquette demands a double standard where one judges one’s own behaviour by the strict standard of etiquette, while attempting to find excuses or understanding for the deviations of others. I don’t know, of course, whether your friends actually did or did not adhere to the real etiquette rules above. But the expectation that they will invite you to their wedding is your own expectation, not the expectation of traditional formal etiquette.
Post # 13
I wouldn’t be offended. Just because someone isn’t having what I’d perceive to be a small wedding doesn’t necessarily mean they have room to invite all the friends they want – they might have very large families, and everyone has to draw the line somewhere. I’d respect their budget/space/guest list limitations the same way I wanted others to respect mine while we were planning.
And I know some of my friends have attended a TON of weddings the last couple of years. Luckily we weren’t in that situation, but I’d hate to feel like I had to cut someone I’m closer to just because tons of other friends had invited me to their wedding the last couple of years and I had to invite all of them first. Expecting it to be tit for tat is just kind of setting yourself up for unnecessary disappointment in my opinion. And I’d never encourage anyone to go over their capacity or assume people would decline, I’ve seen that lead to serious venue issues for people!
Post # 14
@Birdee106: “Obligated? No. It would have been nice for them to invite you but they were/are doing what they needed to do to accomodate their wedding. If you had said yes then they could have been pushed over capacity. You never know reasons for why someone is doing something but there is usually always a good one.”
It would have been nice of them to invite you, but they don’t have to. Sometimes it’s not possible to invite everyone you would of liked to.
Post # 15
I don’t know if I would say that it’s rude but I think I honestly might feel a bit offended if this happened to me (although I would never tell anyone besides my fiancee so it wouldn’t matter anyway). If this couple had recently gone to your wedding and enjoyed a nice night, on your dime, I feel like the polite thing to do would be to invite you guys too. I get it, guest lists are SO hard so I can’t really blame them (going through this myself right now) but I’d still be a bit peeved!
Post # 16
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
I think people these days know how outrageously expensive weddings are and don’t get too offended if they’re not invited. For example, I know I was pretty much a pity-invite-because-we-attended-college-together recently. She’s wealthy and dad paid for the whole thing, mine’s not. She had a spacious venue, mine’s small. I’m not inviting her and I don’t think she’ll be surprised.