(Closed) Are you taking his name? Why/why not?

posted 3 years ago in Traditions
Post # 76
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

Thanks for all the input guys. Will take a while mulling it over before I decide. All the decisions you have made are good ones and my problem is I can see all points of view!! Still unsure what to do myself. I like my name. It’s a strong unique name that I’m proud of as are all the women on that skde of the family… However they have all changed their name tho marriage I would actually be the only female in the family holding that name. My mum thinks I should double barrel but it sounds silly it’s not one of those names that would work. I do want to be a Mrs… I will give it some thought xx

Post # 77
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I hope this isn’t considered reviving an old thread, but I thought someone might find this funny.

My soon-to-be FI’s last name is literally pronounced like my first name with an “a” at the end of it. Needless to say, people comment upon this all the time. I’m not too fond of that, and I also prefer my maiden name for professional reasons.

One of my friends changed her middle name to her maiden name, which I felt was a good alternative if you don’t want to change the name entirely. I feel like I’ll probably have two middle names – it’s just a matter of if I keep my maiden name last for consistency’s sake or move it to the second middle name position.

While my boyfriend is progressive, he comes from a line of men with the same name and looks forward to naming a child the same, so it doesn’t look like he will be changing anything.

Post # 78
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2016

So glad I found this thread, as I am second guessing myself.

Getting married in a week and the name issue is really hitting me.

i am an older bride (52) previously married and took my H’s last name then, so it’s been my name for 30 years. It has become my identity.

My Fiance wants me to change my name to his—found out when we applied for marriage license, as we never discussed it. I understand that he doesn’t want me to retain another man’s last name but that isn’t what it means to me. 

So I guess I am destined to change my name yet again…the third last name I’ve held. Not excited about that and all the hassles involved with a name change. He is not down with using one name legally and the other socially.

Just keep telling myself it’s only a name.

Post # 79
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I’m changing my last name. Honestly, my last name is 4 syllables long so I always wanted something shorter, but his last name is 4 syllables anyway (haha). So I figured why not. Plus we definitely plan on starting a family in the nearish future and I want us all to share the same name (like both of our families did before us). 

Post # 80
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Yup – so happy to take his name.  My family is crazy and abusive and all the years I’ve spent being tied to them, and being asked “Hey, aren’t you so and so’s daughter (my maiden name is rather unique due to Anglicization during WWII, only my relatives in the whole world have it), and having to stumble through, “No, don’t speak to my dad, haven’t in 19 years, he’s an asshole who liked to pick my up by my hair and throw me” (never said that but wanted to).

Also, to me it shows solidarity within the couple, and unity.  I have a friend who claims she kept her name due o feminist choices, but in reality I suspect it was the path of least resistance and she did not feel like doing the extra paperwork and leg work.  Even just referring to her and her H is cumbersome, compared to couples with the same name.  Instead of the “Smiths”, it’s “Her name and his name”.  I wanted to get all my friends monogramed dish towels handmade by my SIL for Christmas (she gave me some as a wedding gift with H’s last name initial, made with H’s late grandmother’s craft supplies), but am struggling on how to do this for this friend.  Hers would have to be like an image instead of an initial, which would draw attention to the whole name thing, which has in the past been a source of discomfort.

I am proud to have my H’s name – it’s the best gift he ever gave me.

Post # 81
Member
506 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I also loved the idea of having a family name.  Not to mention that any time I say to my fiance’ that I don’t his name, he looks at me like I’m crazy LOL.  So he cares 100%.  However some of the downfalls to changing my name. 1) I’m in my 30s so I’ve had this name forever and professionally this is how people know me.  2) My first name is unique and 99% of people mispronounce it.  However my last name is very common and no one ever messes it up.  His last name though gets messed up 75% of the time LOL.  I always could find saving grace in the fact that people could say my Ms. “Last Name” when trying to reach me.  Now they will screw up both.

I’m going to do First Maiden His Last

Post # 82
Member
506 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

tatersprout :  Since it’s your ex-husband’s name, I say that’s a good enough reason to change it, even as an older bride.  If it was still your maiden name, that would be understandable.

Post # 83
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

Isilme :  Oh my God, you can’t just refer to your friend and her spouse as The ______s AND you have to think outside the box with respect to a monogram?  Where are my smelling salts?  How dare this b***h make your life so difficult?  With friends like her, who needs enemies!

I think you should explain to her how her deviant choice to keep her name has made your life so much harder than it needs to be.  You should probably also tell her that you believe she made this choice not out of principle, but because she’s lazy.  I imagine if you were to do that, you’d no longer find yourself having to deal with the inconvenience of figuring out how to monogram dish towels for her, so that’s a win, right?

Post # 84
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - October 2017

I’m taking my fiances name but only because our son has his last name ( it was important to him as his first son does not share his name ) which wasn’t a big deal to me, I mean it doesn’t make him any less my son, you know? But now that we’re getting married I feel having the same last name as my family is more important to me. I’d love to have more kids and I’d like us all to have the same name. If we didn’t have a son I would not be changing my name tho.

 

But I do understand your hesitation, I don’t think it’s a requirement at all and if your still uneasy about it, don’t do it. A name isn’t what defines a family in the end, I know plenty of families with mixed names and they are just as happy and functional as those with the same names. 

Post # 85
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Initially both my husband and I hyphenated our last names but we’ve since changed them to only my last name.i had already changed my name prior to marriage due to an abusive family and wanting to get some distance from that and after we married my husband’s family started calling us names and upped their campaign of bullying to my husband. He hadn’t seen it as bullying before but we had talked about it and I think a combination of talking about things and then his family escalating their awful behaviour made him not want associated with them, so we both have the last name I chose for myself when I became an adult.

Post # 86
Member
512 posts
Busy bee

I was going to take his last name, but the fact that his first wife continues to use his last name 5 years after their divorce (they never had children) bothers me. So I’ll keep my own last name. 

Post # 87
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

MarriedToMyWork :  lol, not what I was saying, but people feel strongly about it.  Yes, the towels are out as a cute idea because she chose to not do something, and I can be like WTF about it.

Look, she can keep her maiden name since she chooses to not take the steps needed to change it, but in the end, knowing her and how she tackles other things in life, I see it as lazy rather than defiant, strong, or independent.  Her supposed feminism is a big deal when dealing with her, but she doesn’t drive because she chose to not learn, is not independent, relies on her husband for pretty much any transportation (or her mom comes and stays with her if her H is out of town, to drive her to work (she’s almost 30)).  Her H and parents still work to support her, she feels now that she’s working she ‘deserves’ a super high paying job and to not have one is discrimination, not a reflection of her limited work history.  But it’s been established that she is a bit of a special snowflake and needs to be treated with kid gloves, so everyone skates around the issues inherent to her stringently vocal claims to feminism that she does not actually practice.

Changing your name takes effort.  Keeping it does not.  

Most women I know who never officially changed their name cited lack of desire for the effort to me, not a feminist decision, not a lofty desire to flaunt patriarchy, and most decided once kids came into the picture, it was time to get it done for simplicity’s sake.  But this person tries to claim it was a decision made under the banner of feminism and I call BS – her H’s family is deceased, no pressure there, they haven’t dealt yet with two names for kids yet, and so she is taking the easy road for now.  

I don’t like sanctimonious excuses when the real reason is she can’t even drive herself to the SS office to do the paperwork because she chose the easy road of requiring a chauffeur to even get to work, the store, anywhere, and needs mommy to travel 1.5 hours to her house to drive her if hubby can’t.  So the whole feminist argument from most women is kinda ridiculous for me – you just didn’t want to fill out a form and make a drive – this is not ground shaking.  It’s not the 1950s.  

Post # 88
Member
19 posts
Newbee

No, I will not.  That’s a purely professional reason though because I have already established myself in my career under my own name and there is a benefit in attracting additional clients because my last name connotes a specific nationality. 

And, following off the post directly above mine, I suppose I am just lazy because quite frankly, I cannot be bothered to have to change all my university and professional degrees, drivers license, passport etc to a new last name.

My SO does not mind either way.  In which case, I see no need for it.

Post # 89
Member
1709 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2016 - Garden

libertine_lady :  I understand bee. Sorry you had to go through with that with your son and your previous marriage 🙁 but I think it’ll be a great thing to take on your man’s last name. That’s the man you’ll be with forever, your best friend. Your partner. I had a similar issue with not wanting to change my last name either. I was set on not changing it because of selfish reasons….but I learned to set that aside and take on my husbands last name :). And I can agree with the business thing. I plan on publishing books and I want to keep my maiden name. Its unique. 

Post # 90
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

Isilme :  You’re really pitching a little fit because you can’t figure out a way to monogram a dish towel for a woman who kept her name?  Every time I think WB can no longer surprise me…

One does not have to perform feminism perfectly to hold feminist principles or formulate feminist rationales for one’s actions.  Your attempts at reading this woman’s mind and subsequent projection out onto all women (“So the whole feminist argument from most women is kinda ridiculous for me” WTF???!!!) are roughly the equivalent of me saying, “My friend thinks she changed her name because she sees it as a loving, sharing, partnership-building gesture, but I know that the real reason is that she isn’t aware of her own oppression, so she mindlessly does what the traditional patriarchy tells her to do.”  In other words–wholly inappropriate, wildly speculative, and profoundly offensive.  (BTW, the fact that, in most circles, women who change their names are still far less likely to face speculation concerning their motives than women who keep their names belies your claim that keeping one’s name is the easy, lazy way out.)

Really, please tell this woman what you think of her so that she can make an informed decision as to whether or not she wants to continue counting you as a friend.  I would certainly want to know if someone I thought of as a friend held me in such contempt.

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