Post # 1
So after a huge talk about blowup with my boyfriend this past week over engagement talk, he revealed that about 90% of the reasons that he is still not ready to be engaged after 4 years together have to do with my flaws… He says things like he is worried that I can’t deal with stress well enough and that I don’t have enough self-esteem (something that has been severely hurt by the waiting process). He said he does plan to be ready and propose by the end of the year but I feel like he is just saying that to make me happy…
So now I feel even worse, I feel like I have to prove something to him before we get engaged. Have any of you heard excuses like this? And if so, how did you handle them?
Post # 3
I think it’s probably the number one reason why guys don’t, but they are just aren’t honest enough to say it.
My 3 bff’s are guys. One is married. One has been dating his gf for 4 years. The last has been engaged for over 3 years and has been dating his Fiance for 5 years. In convo they all have talked about the reasons they don’t want to get married and most of them are about HER and not about HIM. They all complain/complained about being pressured to.
Post # 4
I’ve heard another bee on here say her bf said similar things, and all I have to say is that excuses are excuses. He isn’t ready because HE isn’t ready, not because of you.
Can those be legitimate concerns for him? Ok. But he can’t use them as go-to’s when he doesn’t want to do something. If it’s a concern about your relationship, fine. It can be addressed in a discussion before you talk about getting married. But it’s not the place to use those as reasons why he hasn’t proposed. I kind of feel like it’s BS – like he’s not ready for whatever other reason and he’s using excuses about your personality or coping abilities as a fall back so he doesn’t look like the bad guy.
Just my opinion, but if he doesn’t like that about you then he has no business stringing you along or trying to take shots at your self-esteem further with his excuses and making you wait..
Post # 5
Anyone who asks that you change who you are in order to marry is not worth marrying.
Post # 6
I agree with lezlers too. If he doesn’t think you’re it and blames you then you probably shouldn’t be getting married anyways :/
Post # 7
Yeah I’m with lezlers on this as well. I can understand him not being ready, but trying to put the blame on you isn’t right.
Post # 8
I agree with some previous posters.
#1 – Hooray for honesty. Most men aren’t willing to divulge their fears, and although he used them as an excuse as to why he feels he isn’t ready yet, at least he told you. I think men think a lot more about spending the rest of their lives with one woman than we give them credit for. At least, more than I used to give them credit for. It IS a big decision, and for most relationships, it IS a big decision that the man is expected to make ALONE. Most people expect the man to propose when he’s ready. But the truth is, it’s the biggest decision of both your lives and should be made together. Hey, I bet there’s a few things that you worry about dealing with the rest of your life about him, maybe you guys can use this as a jumping off point to work on it with each other. Not as a pre-requisite to an engagement, but as a strength building exercise for your relationship.
#2 –@AmeliaBedelia: He isn’t ready because HE isn’t ready, not because of you.
She hit the nail on the head. Yes, there are concerns, but when it comes down to it, he just isn’t ready, and it’s for his own reasons that even HE may not be aware of yet. I cooked and cleaned and did everything I was supposed to for 6 months when we first moved in together (after being together for 3 years), but do you think this persuaded SO any more to consider marriage? No. It’s not about how perfect you are, it’s about him. Guys take longer to make the leap then women do. I remember a time when my SO and I were first starting to date and I was like “I don’t know if I want to spend forever with this man, but there’s no reason not to spend right now”. It wasn’t until after the second year in that I got hit with the Forever Train.
He isn’t saying anything rude, or demeaning, so I say cut him some slack. He may just be still sitting at the train station…
Post # 9
If he doesn’t want you for you, it isn’t right. You should marry someone who loves you for all that you are. Faults and all.
Post # 10
My SO had concerns about me and he shared them with me and they happened to be the same concerns I had about me for myself! It was a really eye-opening conversation (more than one really) and it gave me the guts to confront myself and change me in the ways I wanted to change. It was very hurtful to hear those things from him, but it has only helped me and is one of the reasons I’m WITH him is because he has the balls to tell me tough stuff. Since I have successfully changed a lot of the stuff, he has asked for forgiveness basically in spurring me and I have in fact thanked him instead of forgiving him.
However, if the things he’s talking about being concerned with are things that don’t bother you and that you like about yourself, then I would seriously question your relationship. If he’s trying to make you a better you, that’s great! But if he’s trying to make you better for him, that’s not great.
Post # 11
I agree, he is the one who isnt ready, sorry to say it harshly but i personally think its a load of crap to blame the woman and say its because she isnt ready.
Post # 12
@AmeliaBedelia: I have to say I don’t think it is an excuse. I think it’s perfectly reasonable that someone would be unwilling to get married because they have concerns about their partner. There were times in the 5 years we dated before getting engaged that I knew for a fact that my husband (then boyfriend) was the one and that we would get married, but I was absolutely unwilling to do so at the time because he wasn’t ready. Neither was I, actually, but the point is that this wasn’t just my thing. He had growing up to do. He had things that he needed to do before I would feel good saying yes to him. The same is true for him, I know. I had things that I needed to work on, maturity I needed to gain before he was ready to ask me. Deciding to marry someone isn’t just about making sure you’re ready emotionally and psychologically and financially to make that decision. It’s about making sure that your partner is ready too–and if you don’t believe they are, I can understand hesitating. We got engaged when we were both ready, were sure that the other was ready, and at the time that was right for both of us. Yes, some people wondered why we waited so long, but it was absolutely right, and here we are, married, and deliriously happy.
As far as the OP’s situation, I’m so sorry you’re upset. I think your SO should have handled that conversation differently, but I do think it’s good he is honest with you. I think you need to talk with him again, when you’re both calm, and get him to really talk to you about what his concerns are, and then make sure he hears your responses. If he’s concerned that you’re not ready to get married, then it makes sense that he wouldn’t ask you. If you believe you ARE ready, then you two are having a communication problem, and that’s something you can work on. However, if you think that maybe he’s right and that the process of waiting to be engaged has damaged your self-esteem and your ability to deal with stress, that is DEFINITELY something you two should talk about. It’s something I think you should resolve for yourself before you decide to get engaged. I hope you don’t go into your engagement feeling this way. I wish you a great deal of luck and I hope that the two of you can talk this out so that you’re both feeling better and more confident.
Post # 13
my Fiance and i did have a discussion about concerns before we got married – but it was more along the lines of money management and chore sharing, and went both ways. how you handle stress and self-esteem issues can take years to change, if at all, and if you want to. something as intrinsic as how you manage stress is going to be difficult, if not impossible to change – without getting to the heart of the matter on if you really want to change it
realizing that this is only a brief glimpse into a complex relationship, i would suggest just being aware of what you want and need – you should not feel that change is necessary to be with him the rest of your life – thats the beauty of love, it embraces flaws and loves you despite and because of them
Post # 14
He’s been with you for 4 years and now these “flaws” are what’s stopping him? I call B.S. on that!
Post # 15
Wow, I just think this is really cold and manipulative on his part. You want to discuss a reasonable expectation after a multiple year relationship – when are we taking this to the next level? And, he pushes any kind of consideration of that out of the way by saying he’s concerned about your low self esteem and stress handling capabilities? Really? I’m all for honesty, but this seems to just take the conversation off the table indefinitely and leave him with all the cards. When is he going to be comfortable with your self esteem level and stress handling? What do you have to do to show him you’ve overcome his concerns?
Post # 16
ITA!—-> He’s been with you for 4 years and now these “flaws” are what’s stopping him? I call B.S. on that!
This should have been brought up 6 months in…