(Closed) Are you the reason hes not ready?

posted 11 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
1443 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@LittlePenguin:  If you have an anxiety disorder, your SO needs to be a person who can accept that that is just part of you.  My BF has it… and sometimes it gets really bad – like there are many things I’d love to go do but he can’t stand facing the crowds or being in public, so we don’t do them.  I admit I’m at the point where I really think I’m going to just go with friends to football games at the local school or something because I get bored out of my mind sometimes”hiding” at home from the world, but I know it’s how my SO is wired and I know that many times he simply cannot help it. 

Genralized anixiety disorder, or any anxiety disorder for that matter isn’t something that can be “cured”.  It’s party conditional but it’s also partly chemical – and many of the drug on the market still have side effects that make the disorder look not so bad when they’re compared.  I don’t know if this would help you overall, but St. Johns Wart soemtimes can relieve anixiety, but it makes you suscepitible to sun burn so save it for winter 🙂  Also, calming exercises like yoga and some hypnotherapy might help (you can download free mp3s with short hynosis for relaxation exercises)

If you’re going to be with this man, he needs to understand that A), you’re not having stress or anxiety problems because you choose to, and B) even with treatment, it’s not going to “go away”.  I know in my relationship I have to be the steady, fairly calm one most of the time, while my BF is the more emotioanl and easily upset one, which is often kinda backwads from how society expects us to split our responses – as the woman I’m expected to have a crying fit, while he’s suposed to the solid rock.  I have to accept there are some things he’s just not going to be able to do  – in some ways it can be like a disability. 

Stress is part of life.  You’re supposed to help each other through it, not make each other feel bad about it.

I still say your SO is feeling his own stress and is trying to “blameshift” it off onto you so he won’t feel so bad about his lack of ability to make a decision about your mutual future and then implement it.  Also, he might be worried about possible wedding stress for both of you.

Post # 33
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I agree with the PPs. Throwing out an arbitrary proposal timeline right after telling you he doesn’t want to marry you yet because of your flaws? It makes no sense. It just doesn’t. Seems an awful lot like he’s trying to shift blame.

Also, your anxiety disorder is NOT YOUR FAULT and he needs to recognize that. If he can’t accept you as you are, anxiety disorder and all, then he’s not the right guy for you and that is not your fault either.

@ATP2011: “Telling you that you don’t have enough self-esteem can’t be helping your self-esteem issues!”

Totally!

Post # 34
Member
3338 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

So my ex wanted to propose, but I was adamant about not getting married because he (though I did not tell him inasmuch) had some serious character flaws that bothered me. 

I think as women we tend to want to find reasonings behind the things men say…but I would gander that 98% of the time, they’re saying what they mean.  Sometimes they are brutally honest.

I have a guy friend here at work that has been with his girlfriend for 7 years.  He literally goes back and forth about proposing.  He has sent me a couple pics of rings, and then I’ll casually ask if he’s going to propose and he hasn’t.  I remember we had a long conversation when I got engaged that it bothered him that he felt his gf wasn’t as academically motivated as him and that he felt she was not striving in her career like he knew her potential would allow her to.

Is that blameshifting?  I don’t think so.  I think that’s just honesty.  Your character is not a flaw.  These things about you… there’s nothing wrong with them stand alone.  It’s just finding the person that those character flaws aren’t a big deal and that you are compatible with.

In a long-winded way, it sounds like a compatibility issue and those can have a huge affect on whether or not to decide to continue on a relationship and definitely whether or not to make it permanent.  I’m not sticking up for him… though I do applaud his honesty and I think a logical, more factual approach at analyzing the situation would help.

Best of luck to you… these types of things are never easy.

Post # 35
Member
1035 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with the PP’s it doesn’t seem like his ready.  I say  you have a talk about why he felt the need to bring up these “flaws” now instead of in the begining.  I would make sure you ask him if he sure his ready instead of uses excuses that suggest that he isn’t.

Post # 36
Member
3134 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I have to first say that I haven’t read all of the other responses so hopefully I don’t just re-state anything!  I have had a conversation kind of like this before.  My bf says he wants to be with me in the future but used to be worried about things maybe changing after we get engaged/married.  He never actually came out and said anything about my flaws but I remember having to make this comment:

So I’m good enough to be your girlfriend for the rest of your life but not good enough to marry? 

That shut him up good 😀 

You shouldn’t have to prove anything to him; if he didn’t love you he wouldn’t be with you!  I hope you don’t get down on yourself because of this! 

Post # 37
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@deetroitwhat: The problem I have with that explanation is, if it’s really because he’s so unsure about her, why tell her he plans to propose at the end of the year?

I don’t doubt that the OP has flaws. We all do! But it’s our responsibility to make up our minds whether or not certain flaws are dealbreakers and man/woman up and deal with it accordingly. If it is a dealbreaker, then do the kind thing and let your SO go so they can find someone who will want to be with them despite that flaw. If it’s not a dealbreaker, then stop berating your SO about it and get on with it already. It’s simply not fair to string someone along, all the while causing more damage to their self-esteem.

Post # 38
Member
554 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

This might sound harsh but I don’t think he wants to be married to you.  He obviously cares for you and that’s why he’s stayed for 4 years but I tend to think if he’s looking at your personal faults he is doubtful about a marriage with you. 

Post # 39
Member
36 posts
Newbee

I am RIGHT THERE with you!  My boyfriend tells me the same thing!  We’ve been together 18 months and are both in our 30’s.  It’s beyond frustrating because he truly does NOT believe that couples should ever fight or argue, and if we get into a fight, it’s “bad”.  The other night I called him practically in tears because I was lost in a city and my GPS was crapping out.  We got into a tiff because I should have been more careful, etc… typical “guy” lecture, no big deal.  I got mad at his reaction… again, typical stuff.

He later told me that because of “arguments like those” are reasons why he is unsure about me!!!  I nearly looked at him cross-eyed and asked if something like that really,truly defines our love and commitment?  Or is it possible that we both had a bad day?  (We did.)

I am chalking this up to commitment-phobia.  I mean, it’s impossible to get 100% of your needs met, and you will never be 100% satisfied AND THAT IS OKAY!

My boyfriend blames my bad childhood on our fights.  It drives me mad that I am not allowed to just be a normal person!!!

You have my sympathy!!!

Post # 40
Member
3338 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@jayce: Honestly?  I think to pacify the situation.  That’s my guess by reading the OP’s post.

And I totally agree with you.  I tell my friend that all the time.  If you aren’t going to marry the poor girl because of these things that bother you, just break up with her already.  So freaking selfish.

Post # 41
Member
818 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@lezlers: I agree with lezlers… he is not for you if he doesn’t want to accept “YOU” for YOU

Post # 42
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I heard a saying tonight…Marriage is about loving someone for who they are, flaws and all; and accepting them for their mistakes. It hit home bc I know it is true.

No one is perfect and he more than likely has his flaws. If he can’t accept you for you, he doesn’t deserve you and honestly marriage isn’t for him. You deserve better than that.

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