Post # 1
I geuss I am just looking to hear, "you are not alone", and maybe a word of advice.
I have 3 bridesmiads. 2 of them are brother and sister, so it isn’t surprising that they are just a like. These 2 people are very open and honest with how they feel. At times they can be too honest. If I mention an idea about the wedding, and they don;t like it, they don’t try to hide their dismay. I told my friend about a song I wanted to play..she wrinkled up her nose, rolled her eyes and said "Oh, I HATE that song!".
I tell the other about the drink I plan to serve. He tells me that he thinks those are SOOOO gross. He says "it’s your wedding..but I will not be having any"
This is really starting to piss me off. As you all know.planning a wedding is HARD. One of the most difficult is blaancing your needs with others needs. Everyone says "it’s your wedding", but you all know that this is MUCH easier said than done. You try to do what you want…but you try to be mindful of others…to a POINT. I feel so frustrated that I have to hear thier negative input. It makes me 2nd geuss myself. I should not be embarressed that there is a song I want to play at MY Wedding. I shouldn’t know that they totally hate that song! Or maybe they could try to sugar coat it a bit!
But I love my frineds for who they are. I love how honest and at times catty they can be. But this type of thing is not helpful and really hurts my feelings. I feel like this is my one and only wedding….my one time to do it the way I want…and it makes me mad that they feel like they get to have a "say". They may know that they don’t have a say…but giving such strong imput…makes me feel like they are trying to influence my desigions. And that’s not fair! When their day comes..they will get to do what they want. So why do I have to think about all of THEM for MY Wedding?
Is this happening to you? I image everyone having bridemaids and mothers that just gush over them. Freinds who tell you that you are perfect and willing to helpwith every detail. I know this must not be reality….but in the world of wedding planning….you are given this image of perfection.
Please help me out on this one! Are your Bridesmaid or Best Man not the perfect picture of support? Do they tell you if they don’t like something? If you have dealth with this, do you have any advice?
A co-worker just gave me what I think is great advice. ANd that is to just NOT TELL THEM what I am planning. Just let it be a surprise. I cannot handle making descions when I know what other people think also. I need to make my choice free and clear of any "peer pressure". My frineds are not going to change….and not sharing may be the best option. Maybe I should just blog.
Have you been here?! Please share your wexperiecne so that I can end my self pity party! 🙂
Post # 3
You are not alone. Seriously, my sister is the same way about my music. She and I don’t always have the same taste and when I told her I wanted to play "Butterfly Kisses" by Bob Carlisle as my father/daughter song, she told me I couldn’t because it’s played A LOT as the father/daughter song. I basically told her to piss off (a little more kinder than that, but that’s what I was thinking) and that it was my wedding and I could do what I want.
I am pretty much a push over, but this is my (and FI’s) wedding, not theirs. So if they don’t like a drink or a song, they can drink something else and cover their ears!
Post # 4
I’m kinda experiencing this right now. My colors are pink and brown and my Maid/Matron of Honor keeps insisting that I pick my colors as pink and black because she can find a cheaper black dress. She also refuses to wear pink. I’m also afraid to bring things up because she’ll think the’re "stupid." She’ll say something like that and then pull the, "but it’s your wedding…" Ugh. I think that having her help me with little projects may be like pulling teeth.
Post # 5
Yeah, it seems to me that such behavior is just rude in any other context, but somehow people (esp. Bridal Party members) feel that it’s okay when it comes to your wedding. I went with my Maid/Matron of Honor to look at Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses, and she was so crabby and was basically like, "this is the best of the lot but I hate all Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses so whatever I know I’m going to hate it". That’s just rude, imho, esp. when I picked the color she liked best and she knows I went out of my way to find cheaper dresses and let everyone pick their favorite style. Anyway…you are not alone!
I suspect that part of it might be that if someone feels close to you they feel they have a right to express their opinion. which of course everyone does, but there’s a limit to what’s acceptable. And since we often end up asking Bridal Party members for advice, they might end up feeling more like they have the right to say what they want.
Post # 6
yeah I have a friend who can be kind of negative about my choices. It’s just that she’s a little green around the edges b/c she doesn’t get to plan her wedding yet so I always take that into consideration.
I try not to ask my girls for advice…i just send them pics and go, "hey look!" and usually that pans out better.
Post # 7
LOL my mom is the one who is a little to honest! She is telling me who she thinks I should invite and shouldnt! I dont get along with my two sisters and Im going dress shopping for the first time with my bridesmaids this weekend…my mom is going to vegas on vacation…but she told me not to buy anything until she gets back and maybe my sisters can come with the 2nd time! NOT!!! This is why my sisters arent invited to this one and arent my bridesmaids…we dont get along…and I dont like their opinions most of the time! I want a nice trip and dont want sad tears when im trying on gowns!
Post # 8
Oh yeah. My friend and I getting married keep saying that the only thing you should tell a bride is
"of course, that’s a wonderful idea. I love it"
NOTHING ELSE. So frustrating.
Post # 9
Ugh, unsolicited feedback is the WORST part of wedding planning! People offer you their opinion all the time because they think it will "help" you. The fact that you described your friends as "too honest" and "CATTY" sounds to me like they can be opinionated in an inconsiderate way, and that is not the type of honesty they should be proud of. You are not alone! I think everyone has a little birdie or two like this throughout their wedding planning!
Post # 10
Know what’s worse? Hearing about it after the fact. I recently heard from one of our groomsmen that some of the folks in our wedding party were b*tching about eveeeerything leading up to the wedding. It sucks. And it hurts.
Post # 11
Smile sweetly, and repeat after me:
"Well, when it’s your wedding, you can play only the songs you like."
"Well, at your wedding, you’ll be able to serve any drink you like."
"Well, when it’s your wedding, you can do something completely different."
Saying this serves two purposes: 1) Providing a response with which they can’t argue, allowing you to move on/change the subject; and 2) Reinforcing the point, subtly, that this is *your* wedding, not theirs. If you were asking them to pay for something, then they would have the right to ask that their wishes be carried out, but you’re not.
I predict that, when the time comes for them to get married, they will realize that they acted a bit dweebishly in regards to your wedding planning. For now, though, just enjoy the fact that you didn’t hire them to do your wedding planning, and find other people to discuss wedding details with. Your wedding day is supposed to be limited by etiquette, manageability and finances, not by one or two non-bride/non-groom people’s idiosyncratic drink and music choices.
Post # 12
You know, I’m in a similar situation- even my groom-to-be, who is usually totally oblivious to stuff like this has started to get annoyed- and I realized something- the bridesmaid/s who complains constantly is probably someone who doesn’t have a good filter for comments anyway- mine certainly is like that- she just doesn’t get when its rude to complain. Chances are, if you responded to something she/he said with a laugh and a "ok, enough criticism already! You get to come to a FREE party and be in the limelight" you could defuse the situation- that’s what I plan to do- I mean, once I get my courage up!
Post # 13
LOL, at least she didn’t give you an ultimatum! One of my two sisters and MOHs told me if she couldn’t have the $240 dress SHE wanted, she wasn’t going to be in my wedding. So I’m like okay, let her have what she wants, don’t want to upset my dad. And guess what happens? The other four bridesmaids start b*tching like CRAZY about the price of the dress I didn’t even get to choose. I offered the ones who were hard up $40 each toward their dresses on top of the $20 off I bargained from the shop, because I know it is an expensive dress. But now the dress is costing them $160, and they’re still whining. I really don’t think I’m being unreasonable, but there seems to be no end to the criticism 🙁
Post # 14
You’re not alone! In fact, I just posted something kind of similar before I saw your post! I think that sometimes people don’t think before they say things and don’t mean it to be rude (especially if, like my friends, and it sounds like your friends they are used to just speaking their mind in every situation). I have one bridesmaid who goes along with things I say usually until she’ll make a pretty snarky comment out of the blue about something I’m doing…and I usually just laugh it off with her, but it really makes me second guess my own plans and feel pretty crappy about it, honestly.
What I’m trying to tell myself is that these people are making comments about how THEY’D do something, and it’s my freakin wedding, so if my wedding isn’t just like yours was, that’s good! I don’t want to be a copy of you. Easier said than done to not feel bad about someone disapproving outwardly of something you’ve put SO much thought and effort into, though.
So I’m trying to be all zen about it and say I don’t care what they say…but I have a feeling that if it keeps up, I might end up talking to the most understanding bridesmaid and saying something like "I know you don’t like some stuff. Please pretend you do, for my sanity. Lie through your teeth if you have to. Tell everyone, thanks!"
Post # 15
I spent 6 months and hundreds of hours looking for bridesmaids dresses because my sister/maid of honor did not like any of the ones i would pick out until i picked out a different one, then she would like the old one. I wanted to scream. I really wanted long dresses because it is an evening wedding, but eventually i just gave up and went with jcrew knee length dresses. The idea was that she can’t complain if she has 6 options to choose from… somehow she still managed to hate all of them.