Post # 1
My SO is very conventionally attractive. Ive always dated men ive been attracted to but never someone who has the built physique he has. Its a weird experience as strangers often comment about it to him/me. Its been easy enough to dismiss strangers.
However several times now female friends of mine have made comments about it. We play trivia every week and it comes up – a comment about how he should take his shirt off related to an anatomy question. Last night a trivia question about the fattest organ in the body and another friend comments “SO’s dick!” We are not friends who talk about sexual stuff.
This is a new thing for me and its a little weird to experience. Anyone else deal with this? Do you just ignore the comments or make a joke? Im not really offended per se and I dont have any worries that theyre interested in my SO but its just kind of awkward. I asked SO how he felt and he said its awkward for him too, but I think hes more used to it as hes looked this way for a long time.
Post # 2
mel2 : honestly, I don’t spend my time with people who make comments like that. I don’t have people in my life who I would actually have to tell “hey, if you could not comment on my boyfriends member, that would be great, thanks.”
I would be surprised if these friends randomly started talking like this after you introduced your boyfriend to them. I’m sure they’ve talked this way before.
Unless they changed in the presence of your boyfriend for some reason
My advice would be to analyze the friendships, are they like this a lot of the time and it’s only bothering you now because it’s about your boyfriend? Is it something you never noticed before? Is it new? Would anything be solved by actually having to tell them to stop making sexual comments about your boyfriend?
Post # 3
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
I would find their comments very inappropriate and I would likely not associate with them further. It’s not only weird, but it’s disrespectful to you and your SO.
Post # 4
I’m of the mindset that if you have to tell them to stop making sexual comments about your boyfriend in front of him, then it’s a lost cause
Post # 5
mel2 : Even if my friends were attracted to my husband, they haven’t told me and would never make comments like that. We’re a pretty raunchy group, and non of us are really offended that easily but we all know better than to make comments about each others partners like that.
Are these your close friends?
Post # 6
I think my husband is conventionally pretty attractive, but it would shock me if my friends were actually attracted to him. And if they were, I wouldn’t expect them to tell me about it.
The dick comment was totally inappropriate. I don’t consider myself a prude, but that was way out of line. I wouldn’t appreciate husband’s friends talking about my body and I wouldn’t appreciate my friends talking about his body.
How did you react when they said that?
Sometimes people make ill advised jokes that unintentionally cause offense.
Post # 7
Sansa85 : Thats the thing – they are not like this at all normally. One is a local government official, the other a respected realtor. We talk about politics and public policy and nerdy things. SO and I are both pretty nerdy so our friend group is the same. We are not the usual girl friend group. We associate around community service and local issues.
hickoryhills : I totally agree. And honestly out of character for both which makes it even more confusing to me.
Post # 8
- Wedding: August 2018 - Location
EWWWW so inappropriate. I would not hang out with them anymore. Super awkward and RUDE!
Post # 9
I’d be offended and if they’re really your friends, why in the world would they make comments like that?! It may be one thing if conversations of that nature are common in your circle. But if you’re typically discussing “nerdy things” then why the change when he’s around? That’s high school girl behavior. And wildly inappropriate.
To sympathize, I remember a coworker that I just met. She was from another office in our region, so this was the first time I’d been around this woman. I showed her a picture of my husband holding our dog (because it was relevant to the conversation) and her comment was “he looks like he’s got a big package!” Um, what??? My response? “Yep, he does!” And that was the last time we spoke. Needless to say, she wasn’t with the company much longer after that.
Are your friends single or married or ???? If it makes you and your SO uncomfortable, I’d just stop spending time with them. No conversation you have will be free of awkwardness during and after. The older I get, the more I realize life’s is too short for other people’s bullshit.
Post # 10
Yeah… all you have to do in that scenario is flip the script. If it were you, and a group of men, and someone of the men said something about the size of your lady parts, it’s sexual harassment so clearly.
This is sexual harassment and it’s gross.
I’d have to speak to that person about it.
Yes, friends flirt a bit with my FH but they don’t make a meal of him. One woman has said things that made him wildly uncomfortable, but she was trying to actually pick him up with me standing there. She’s not someone I consider a friend any longer.
Post # 11
mel2 : This type of comment would really bother me too. But if they are good friends, and this was a one-time thing, and it was completely out-of-character for both, I’d give them each one more chance. Have a brief, private chat with each of them and state your concerns:
“Friend, I really enjoy hanging out with you at trivia night, but the comment you made about SO’s anatomy made me very uncomfortable. I’d apprecaite it if you would refrain from making comments about his body in the future. Thanks!”
If they get defensive, it’s time to drop them as friends. If they apologize, accept and continue the friendships (but keep an ear out for other comments). Everyone experiences foot-in-mouth moments at some point. Good luck.
Post # 12
Tatum : I just ignored it and so did SO. I did make a point to let him know later I dont discuss our sex life with friends to which he replied he already knew. Im not a prude at all, but I feel like SO is being objectified and that bothers me.
futuremrs2020 : Relatively close. We play trivia weekly and hang out socially.
I will say these comments have been the only 2 in about 9 months of weekly trivia so its not like it happens all the time. Still weird though.
If his friends made comments like that about me he would not put up with that. My SO is also black and I wonder if that plays into their subconcious willingness to make objectifying comments about him.
He gets stopped in the store and asked about workout routines and stuff. Older people will grab his arms or make comments to him. Our rock climbing instructor last week made a lot of comments about his size, etc. Its all new to me, but I dont think it phases him as much.
I think he lets a lot of comments just roll off his back and Im wondering if I should follow his lead. Lifting like he does, its kind of inevitable that the stranger comments are just something we have to live with.
Post # 13
mel2 : I wouldn’t dump my friends over it but I would ask that they knock it off (and reconsider later if they refused). Imagine if a guy started talking about your friends’ labial flaps that way. Wildly inappropriate. Completely unacceptable. And since neither of you has responded, they’re obviously thinking it’s an okay line of conversation and probably feeding off each other a bit. Shut it down.
Post # 14
Is it possible that you’ve told them you have sex 2-3x a day?
Post # 15
I agree that making a comment about your boyfriend’s private parts, especially in front of him, is really crossing the line. I think my husband would be so embarrassed by something like that, he wouldn’t want to hang out with these people again — and I wouldn’t blame him. However, if your SO is not phased and this is truly out of character for this friend, was perhaps fueled by an extra glass or two of wine and doesn’t happen again, then I might consider letting this one go.