Post # 46
You could be on to something in relation to his race. This is most likely an implicit bias and a teachable moment. I wouldn’t bring it up out of the blue but if it happened again I would ask my friends why they would say such a thing and let them know that it makes you and SO uncomfortable.
Post # 47
girlfriday91 : YES! This is the part that bothers me more than anything.
Im going to talk to him about it and figure out how to best handle it moving forward bc if it bothers me this much it has to bother him too
Post # 48
Hence the inverted commas. mrsptobe2017 :
Post # 49
chitownyogini : Yea, for sure. Im pretty “left” politically and so are both of these friends. One of them is half mexican and surely has dealt with sterotypes or bias of her own. The other is disabled so same for her.
Im sure their intentions are not to be stereotypical but the comment about his equipment definitely was. I have never discussed that with them or anyone else bc that would feel really disrespectful to him.
My ex was also black and Ive dated men from many ethnicities but I think the combination of my SO being black + being very muscular makes people revert to some yucky stereotypes about him on a concious or subconcious level.
Thats frustrating bc he takes a lot of pride in his health and fitness and is not at all a meat head guy. I was drawn to him because hes super smart and can engage me in complex topics in a way many men cant/wont. Intellectual attraction is #1 on my list.
Post # 50
@twilightrarity THIS- EXACTLY.
Post # 51
megm1099 : WHAT THE LITERAL FUCK. That is soooooo disrespectful. I’m really sorry that happened to you.
Yeah, good guys don’t let their guy friends talk about their SOs.
I’ve asked my boyfriend if guys actually talk like that and he said there is an unspoken rule that you can ask about casual relationships (i.e. did you have sex yet? but nothing explicit) and exes, but you NEVER ask about current relationships, especially serious ones.
Post # 52
Well I’m obviously in the minority but though I find the comment inappropriate and embarrassing , I certainly don’t see it as ‘harrassment’ as one pp said, or even think it means your friends find him attractive beyond the obvious fact that he is so , as it were.
I don’t see it as a big deal myself , just an embarrassenig moment .
Post # 53
My fh is very attractive and gregarious. He’s also a bodybuilder. But very straightforward and honest.
Everyone likes him and finds him attractive. But I would not say they are attracted TO HIM, as in a pursuit.
Doesn’t bother me that people notice his physique, so long as he’s not entertaining anything seriously flirtatious. He never would. I am sure nobody is making sexual passes… he has tons of female friends.
It’s great being with someone kind and attractive.
I don’t think my friends would ever say something crass about him, I’d never keep friends like that.
Post # 54
That wouldnt happen in my friendship circles and I dislike this modern trend of women behaving in a sleazy manner whereby if the genders were reversed it would be called out straight away. Next time they do it get your SO to say like “eww” or “wow settle down” in a dismissive way so they get the hint.
My friends make compliments to each other but it’s more based on haircut or outfits or whatever. Not outright sexual comments. X
Post # 55
mel2 : You mention that this group of women initially met around community events and have solid careers and intellectual pursuits- is it possible that because of this cloak of respectablity, they think it’s cute or amusing to say something so ‘out of character’ for them that they get a free pass for it. As in “I’m an upstanding citizen- oooh, but look at the naughty thing I just came out with!’
This doesn’t make it okay nor cute and amusing, but I’m wondering if their own inflated sense of themselves as pillars of the community makes them think they can get away with saying something inappropriate and having it come off as ‘lol oh my, you have a naughty side!’ rather than ‘eww, what an inappropriate thing to say!’ for the very reason that it seems so out of character for them.
As for how I’d handle it, I’d look them right in the eye and call them on it “What an odd inappropriate thing to say- why would you say that?”
Post # 56
Could they have been being ugly? “Fattest” is not how I would personally describe a larger member and find it odd that someone would think of that part of the body in a positive way when using that term. Either way, you would think it be pretty obvious not to reference anyone else’s partners junk. That’s bizarre.
Post # 57
mel2 : I think the first comment is reasonable. I have several friends who are very much into the gym and working out. It’s a lifestyle thing for them, and they are proud of their physique and will show it off and discuss it in a non sexual way. It’s an acheivement for them, in the same way a runner is proud when they beat their best time.
The dick comment is completely out of line though, and I would have called it out at the time. At this point, I’d probably leave it, but be ready to say something in the moment if it happens again.