(Closed) Are you/Will you be spanking parents?

posted 8 years ago in Parenting
  • poll: do you plan to spank if you deem it as necessary?

    no, we do not plan to spank no matter the reason

    We don't know yet

    Has not been discussed but interesting topic

    we are CFBC but i like polls

    It's not out of the question,

    yes, we plan to spank if necessary

  • Post # 47
    Member
    7397 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Yes, we’ll be spanking.

    I was spanked as a kid, and I turned out just fine. My parents didn’t beat me to a pulp, but you better believe I got spanked. We had a different form of punishment at each house. My parents used a belt or their hands, one grandma had a wooden paddle, and the other made us pick a switch off the fig tree. 😉

    Seriously though it depends on the kid. My older brother rarely if ever got spanked. He was a good kis who listened pretty well and was always quiet. I was a hellion and had my parents put me in time out I’d laugh in their face (and know I did on a few occasions). Seriously, time out? WTF? It’s like when people send their kids to their room. It makes me laugh because “going to my room” meant I’d just go play with some toys.

    For me, the threat of a spanking was enough to make me toe the line. I loved my parents, and have no negative feelings related to spanking. 

     

    Post # 48
    Member
    11231 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

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    @sarahbabs:  We will spank, but only as a last resort, and only as a controlled, calm punishment.  We will never hit our child impulsively or out of anger.  

    This. Absolutely last resort, and it would be a quick swat (I’m including hand swatting, as well). We do the same with our cats–they only get swatted if they do something really bad (and it’s usually the big one, and usually because he’s snapped at mine or FI’s faces). Usually it’s pushed off the (very low) bed, with a loud NO. 

    I was spanked as a kid, although I’ve been hit with a belt and an electrical cord before. That’s really no fun.

    Post # 49
    Member
    1709 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World

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    @vorpalette:  I had the belt once and with the wrong end.  As soon as my dad realized it, I never got the belt again.

    Post # 50
    Member
    6255 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: March 2014

    I don’t really want to. And if I end up with a child that doesn’t require it, I won’t.

    But if my mom’s fondest wish during my childhood comes true–that I end up with a child just like I was–then it’s probably the only thing that will work. Regardless, I think there are a few things that need to be spankable offenses. If my kid jerks his or her hand out of mine and runs onto Main St., for example, you can bet there will be swats once I calm down, even if I have never done it before and never do it again.

    Post # 51
    Member
    7365 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    We were both spanked and fairly frequently. We arent’ against it persay. However, we both know now that we prefer to use other forms of punishments first and foremost. Spanking for us will be a rarely used and final option. So I voted for “It’s not out of the  question”.

    Post # 52
    Member
    5540 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: December 2011

    A swift swat on the butt when a) the parent is not reactive and and angry and b) as a last resort when other attempts at discipline have failed is to us an acceptable thing. I think the issues with it comes when it is a reactive thing in anger and then is more a fear thing than appropriate discipline. I do also think there is a HUGE difference in a spanking and beating/child abuse. Spankings shouldn’t leave bruises  

    Post # 53
    Member
    313 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2005

    I was spanked as a child and looking back I can say that I deserved every single one. It was always a last resort and truthfully it was the only way I learned not to do what I did.  Putting me in a corner just let me use my imagination, it certainly wasn’t a punishment.  There is a huge line between spanking and beating.

    Post # 54
    Member
    195 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    This is a really interesting one. Here in New Zealand it is now illegal to physically punish your children. It was a huge huge controversy when the law change came in though. People defended the right to physically assault their children pretty vehemtently.

    I have two children and while I understand the compulsion to physically discipline them, here are the reasons why I don’t:

    1. I don’t want to send the message to my children that losing control of your emotions and lashing out physically is acceptable in any situation

    2. We teach our children not to hit. Smacking them says “It’s not OK to hit. Unless you’re really angry.”

    3. Big people have a duty to protect little people. Physically hurting them does not align with this.

    4. Children are learning how to behave in the world. Everything mistake they make is a learning opportunity. Physically hurting them will bewilder and sadden them, and send the message that making mistakes is not OK – when it is.

    5. It is humiliating and I refuse to humiliate my kids. I discipline them in a way that allows them to keep their dignity intact. Same reason I don’t give them a telling off in front of company, I take it to their room and talk to them about it. It gives them a chance to learn and correc their behaviour without losing their dignity.

    We mostly talk to our kids, but we also take away priveliges. I am a fairly strict parent – I have expectations of their behaviour and manners. But these are only learned by trial and error, and I understand that. So I give them every opportunity to be good, reward the good behaviour more than I acknowledge the bad, and make sure that every misguided action has

    a) A warning

    b) A consequence

    The other trick is to ALWAYS ALWAYS follow through on threats. If you say they will be eating their dinner for breakfast, or there will be no phone calls for a week – you mean it. End of story. They learn very very quickly that Mum means what she says.

    The other point is to be age appropriate – I have expectations of my 7 year old daughter that I would never dream of applying to my 2 year old. It’s unfair of ME to expect her to behave in ways that aren’t developmentally possible.

    I was physically punished as a child. I’m not saying we are going to totally ruin kids by doing it, but I just think there are so many other tools available in our parenting toolkit that it shouldn’t be necessary.

    I’ve lightly slapped a hand away, or grabbed a kid that’s tried to run away in the supermarket carpark. But I will never intentionally raise a hand to my child, because that’s not what parenting is about.

    My view only, ready for some backlash though.

    Post # 55
    Member
    195 posts
    Blushing bee

    I will if it is needed.  When I was 2 I ran into the road and almost got hit by a car.  My mum spanked me and guess what? I never did that again for the rest of my life.  I am all for time-outs and structured discipline but if communicating with words isnt working, a quick spank will definitly get the message across to a child that isnt getting it any other way.

    Post # 56
    Member
    195 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    Also, the posters that say they will only calmly and rationally hit their children, not out of anger – this is a contradiction in itself.

    I honestly think its worse to make a rational choice to hit them, than it is to react!

    But I’m also aware of how culturally relative this debate is, and how strong people feel about things related to their upbringing and children.

    Post # 57
    Member
    6354 posts
    Bee Keeper

    View original reply
    @starfish0116:  Yeah, a timeout room can’t have toys in it. The punishment has to be an actual punishment to get the message across. For kids that often means boredom. Works on my pets too.

    What if, rather than spanked, you would not be allowed to go with the family to the weekly friday night restaurant outing you loved? Or you weren’t allowed to go to any sleepovers for a month? Or you had to watch your siblings each pick out a new toy and know you would’ve got one too, but you were bad and your new-toy privilege got revoked?

    Laughing in my face during timeout = a bigger punishment. I think a kid would learn fairly quickly to keep a straight face, even if they felt it was no big deal, inside. That is, assuming they ever want to get out of timeout!

    Post # 58
    Member
    732 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I was spanked ( only as a last resort) when I was little, but none of my other siblings were ever touched. I didnt think I was a bad kid, I listened more than my sisters did at least. Anyways because of that I dont think i will ever spank but I am a hand swatter . My daughter has a bad habit of trying to touch the elements of the stove and id rather swat her hand than see her hand burned =c 

    Post # 59
    Member
    2214 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I was never spanked as a child, but my brother was once or twice. I just never did anything that deserved a spanking. I’ve spoken to my SO about this, and he can only remember being spanked twice. I think we’re in agreement that we’re not going to spank because there are other effective means of discipline. Hell, I don’t even hit my dog! I think it sends mixed messages because (I hope) all parents teach their children not to hit others, so I don’t think hitting them helps enforce that message at all. I also think it starts a pattern that will be handed down for potentially generations. Just look at all of the “well I was spanked and I turned out fine” rationales. Lastly, some children really don’t respond well to that sort of punishment and have long-term effects because of being spanked, and I wouldn’t want to risk that.

    Post # 60
    Member
    6354 posts
    Bee Keeper

    By The Way, I think I have a secret weapon that will work well with older children.

    When my Fiance has done things that really upset me (moreso early on in the relationship, doesn’t happen much anymore), we’d have to talk it out. This conversation would go on for as long as I deemed necessary for him to truly get it. That means it’s not just me talking at him, but I need him to tell me back to me in his own words what he was thinking, why he thought he could do that, what he understands now, what he willl do next time, whether he is truly sorry, and how he feels now.

    He visibly squirms having to go through all this when he knows he was in the wrong. He is so obviously truly embarrassed when he says “I’m so embarrassed that I did that.” The topic is not truly dropped until this conversation is fully had. Once this conversation is had, I don’t hold a grudge against Fiance anymore, the topic doesn’t get raised anymore. But I know he remembers. He hasn’t tended to repeat those few things that set off the need for one of these conversations. I think this conversation is itself a form of punishment, or deterrent, or whatever. It’s no fun remembering and discussing yourself in a not-so-noble moment.

    My kids are going to learn quickly that if you do something morally wrong, you’re going to have to go into a lengthy and embarrassing discussion about what you did, and your feelings about it, afterward! There’s no just putting your thoughts aside about it and moving on…so might as well think about it before you do it and avoid that embarrassing “little chat” with mom! LOL!

    Post # 61
    Member
    6033 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

    Just to give some insight, I was spanked as a kid. No, I was like really hit. Never in a truly violent way but I got slippers thrown at me, hit with a hanger if my mom had it in her hand, we got chased and all that good stuff. We also were talked to and we knew exactly why we got it when we got it. it wasn’t very often but it happened. I came out ok and had a good healthy respect for authority and for my elders. I doubt, given the kind of kid I was, I would have had that had they used time out. My cousins, whose mom was all about time out, are still to this day a bunch of snotty bratty overly forward jerks. they speak to her like crap and have no respect for those older than them. Now I don’t know if this is the only thing that affected that, but to my cousins, their mom was not someone to be feared or respected because she allowed them to get away with murder. She was a joke to them and still is. their dad was more forecful and he did spank them on occasion, they do not treat him like that, they respect him and even fear him but they love him like no other and credit him for any stability and discipline they got as kids. they struggle now as adults because they don’t have that healthy fear of authority. I don’t think it’s healthy to put so much fear into your child that they are truly scared of approaching you in any way, I do think though that a little bit of healthy fear is a good thing. I knew my mom meant business, just as my cousins knew their dad meant business. With their mom? not so much, they knew the worst that would happen was a good talking to and a time out.

    So I guess what im saying is, IDK about studies and all that stuff. I know what happened to me as a kid and what worked and have real life examples to compare it to. So we spank in our household. Not often, and not in an abusive way, but you better believe my son knows that if I give him the look it means you better cut it out immediately and stop pushing it or you won’t be a happy camper. period.

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