Post # 62
I really don’t like it. I prefer time out… time out is for the parents to calm down.
I was never spanked by a child, but then again I really never misbehaved. Even still, my parents disagreed with it. My grandfather, who was a pretty old fashioned poor farmer was the first one to start the “no spanking”. He didn’t think it was right to show children that physical violence was a way to take out anger or “punish” someone (whatever it is that you think deserves punishment). He had been a bare knuckle boxer, but for some reason had strong feelings about it.
I take issue with it because you can’t take back hitting your child. My FI’s father believed that my Fiance getting excited warranted punishment. And he was spanked… and worse. That couldn’t be taken back. Had his father reacted irrationally and grounded my Fiance he could have taken that back and apologize. Not that my Future Father-In-Law would ever apologize for anything anyway..
My Fiance had been a spanked child. His dad went beyond just normal spanking and was physically abusive. I personally think that spanking my own child would bring out a side of me that I don’t want to experience.
Post # 63
Also, this is great. I feel exactly the same…
Post # 64
A little background on us first.
I was hit pretty badly as a child. Had stuff thrown at me, received a few pops to the mouth, dragged by my arm, hair pulled, etc (all by my mother)…. this escalated during the times my parents were going through their rough patches and so therefore was mainly out of frustration and anger.
My husband’s parents practiced the old school ways of discipline. They had what was known as the “Board of Education”. This was a paddle with a leather handle and holes drilled in it to reduce wind resistance. His brother had once broken into their parent’s vintage coke machine and ended up causing damage to it. He had to stand there, bare assed with books held on his head while he was beat with the paddle. If he dropped the books….he got it again. Harsh yeah, but I wouldn’t consider that abuse.
Things seem to be much different now and those forms of punishment seem to be pretty frowned upon. My SIL does not believe in spanking at all, she believes on trying to reason with the child’s emotions. Now…. I do not think she is doing it right though considering her son is….. excuse me for saying this, the “spawn of satan” and believe when I say I am not exaggerating at all when I say that…… I could go on with the many stories involving this child, but the worst would have to be when he hosed down their tv with his juice box in act of defiance. Would I have spanked him? Yes…..
Will my kid get a little swat to the butt every now and then? Probably, its not out of the question. Will she get it as bad as I got? I would hope not. I hear we become our parents sometimes…. I really want to try to avoid that.
Post # 65
I fully agree that children need consistent and firm discipline. If they do something they know is wrong then there must be a consequence, even if they’re cute, even if you’re tired, even if you don’t have the time, whatever. They have to know what the rules are and that those rules don’t bend.
But that doesn’t have to involve hitting them.
Also, a parent who is sometimes overly lenient and sometimes hits the child, often raises a confused and angry child with major self-control issues.
Post # 66
Spanking in moderation is unlikely to permanently damage a child in any way, but the research on it (I’m a psychologist) suggests it doesn’t have much value either. Usually parents who were spanked as kids think it works, and parents who were not spanked think its detrimental. Both are wrong to a degree. Time outs are harder to manage for parents, but probably have the best longterm value–if done correctly and enforced consistently, timeouts increase childrens’ skills at delay-of-gratification (because they have to practice being able to wait and not have a meltdown over it), which is an important skill linked to a host of better skills later in life (better delay-of-gratification in kids predicts higher SAT scores, better college GPAs, lower arrest rates, etc etc….you can tell these studies have been going on for a few decades lol)
Post # 67
Couldn’t agree more, with the comment on the passive-aggressive parenting. (my experience growing up)
Consistency is key
Post # 68
Sounds like your SIL’s error is trying to reason with them. They may be too young to do the reasoning she requires of them. I see young children as not having that skillset yet and needing a clear behavior -> consequence relationship in their head.
Getting them to understand why their behavior was wrong and getting them to want to be a better person than that? That can be complicated, and I’d phase that in as they got older. As they get better with striving to be a better person when they realize they’ve done wrong, the need for external consequences imposed on them tapers off.
Post # 69
We will for sure be spanking. Of course we will determine beforehand what is worthy of a spanking and what is not.
But I was spanked as a kid and was a better kid because of it. I never did something twice when a spanking was on the line.
Post # 70
I was never spanked as a child but I certainly deserved it sometimes. There’s a lot of kids running rank out there nowadays who need a good spanking that’s for sure.
Time outs were horrible and devastating for me. I think they would have been equivalent to spanking. I hated sitting in a corner.
Post # 71
- Wedding: October 2019 - City, State
for us it did. And for my son it does. When necessary. If he doesn’t respond to talking, to punishment in the form of time out, or taking away his luxuries, and anything else I can think of, then yes he will get spanked. I was hit and Im not angry about it, and I do not half self control issues. If anything im quite the opposite and I credit that in some ways. I do keep myself under control more than I would have had I been allowed to just get off with a talking to or being grounded. I knew there were scary consequences so I kept myself in check. I wasn’t someone who responded to most other things. My son is not either. He will get it most of the time, but as I stated earlier, there have been times where he just wont quit and pushes that limit just way too much. So for me and for my family, sometimes hitting is involved. Fiance agrees and we were both raised that way and came out pretty darn good.
Post # 72
My fi has two children, 4 & 9. The 9 year old has only been spanked I think 1 time in his life, he’s just generally an obedient kid. The 4 year old (girl) is hell on wheels. She’s been spanked a few times but it’s just not effective on her, she laughs it off. We’ve found time outs or re-focusing her a much better method.
So, not against it we just don’t use spanking because it doesn’t work.
Post # 74
We will spank. I can’t remember a single time I was spanked, TBH, but it was always the threat of the spanking that was worse anyway. Clearly it is a last resort if time outs, etc. do not work.
Post # 75
I used to be a nightmare. I locked my mother in the basement 4 times, once when my sister was 3 weeks old. I would stuff our cat in a box and hide him somewhere in the house (the poor thing would be terrified). I would flush toys down the toilet, and throw milk in the fishbowl. I once threw the cat into the tub with my sister and my sister got severely scratched up. I engaged in dangerous behavoir. I did all of this before the age of 7. I hope my children are nothing like me, although I was a really good teen. 🙂
I was spanked when I did something awful. Neither time outs nor taking away toys worked with me. I wasn’t afraid of my mother, but I didn’t like to be spanked. It actually did deter me from being a terror. I remember considering whether it was worth the spanking to stuff the cat into a box again. My parents didn’t beat me or hit me hard, but when you are terrorizing animals, you likely deserve more than a stern swat on the butt.
I turned out fine in the end, and was in no way traumatized by my early childhood spanks. Honestly, they benefited me. (By the way, my sister never got spanked.) As PP have said, it depends on the child. I don’t think I would determine whether or not to spank until I actually know what my children are going to be like. If the my toddler is anything like me, that will probably get regular spankings.
Post # 76
We will figure out what method works best for our children and use that. Some children do not need to be spanked to be disciplined, and some have to be. We’ll see.