Post # 107
No, Fiance and I are 100% against spanking. As psychology graduates, we’ve both seen the countless research that illustrates that spanking is ineffective at best and can be damaging at worst. So, no. We’ll use other behavioral modifications instead, depending on the age of the child.
Post # 109
Yes, exactly this, except only one of us did psych. If I had thought this was an appropriate method of discipline, he would not have married me. Yes, I was spanked as a child and I turned out just fine… in spite of that, not because of it. I feel like when something is not just frowned upon but illegal in many developed countries, people need to do more research before they argue based on their own experiences.
Post # 110
I was spanked. Fi was spanked but his dad took it to far. We will spank but more as a last resort like OP listed.
Post # 111
Spanking will only be a last resort for us, as it was in my family growing up. There were times where my mother gave us many warnings and we still didn’t listen. So she told us, flat out, that if we did such-and-such again that we would be spanked. If we did it again, she spanked us. Never hard nor angrily but she did. If we did something that was very dangerous, she would also give us a swat.
Honestly, looking back, I think I was spanked three times. And I deserved it every time. One time we were running around the store and generally being heathens, and she warned us (like a billion times) to stop. We didn’t, and she told us we would get a spanking when we got home if we didn’t stop. We didn’t, so we got spanked. Another time my sister and I were fighting and she pushed me off the bed. So I hit her in the head with a sock full of marbles. Kinda deserved that one. And yes, my sister got punished too. The only other time I can remember was during my biting phase. Needless to say, I stopped biting after she spanked me for it. I had bitten people 5 or 6 times already and the other punishments simply hadn’t worked.
Post # 112
We will absolutely not be spanking for any reason, because I was abused until I was 11.
Post # 113
a very good quote from my Future Mother-In-Law….
“sometimes you need to close the book of education and apply it to the seat of the problem”
i agree completly with you it was the same for me and my family growing up as well as FI
Post # 114
I think your answer had a lot of good thought in it. Thanks for the opinion!
We are open to spanking as a form of discipline, as we both think it worked for our parents on us, but I really like Mrs_Amanda’s response of that it really depends on the personality of the child.
Post # 115
Child Free By Choice – so dont plan on having kids
Post # 117
As someone who was spanked, I can say I will absolutely spank my children if necessary.
My Fiance didn’t need spankings as a child, and my younger brother hardly got any spankings, but I certainly needed them. I was an extremely strong-willed, stubborn child, and spanking was the only thing that worked for me. It really depends on the child.
This is how spankings went in my house, and I think it really is a good way to approach it:
I was never just spanked out of frustration or anger. When I did something that was worthy of a spanking, I would be sent to my room to wait for my spanking and to think about what I did. Then in a minute or so, my dad would come up, and ask me if I knew why I was getting a spanking. Then I would be spanked.
Afterwards, he would sit on my bed and pull me into his lap and tell me that he loved me, and hug me and rub my back while I cried. He told me that he didn’t want to spank me, but he did it because he cared about me and wanted what was best for me.
I never advocate hitting your child out of anger, but I can honestly say that I would have been the most ill-tempered child in the world without a proper spanking.
Post # 118
Absolutely not, never. Fiance is more open to the idea of spanking and I’ve made it very clear that this is one area I will never budge on. If he does ever spank our child I will not take his side. I was not spanked as a child and I turned out perfectly responsible, respectful, etc. To be honest I’m still baffled by people who choose to spank their children when there are more effective, clinically proven solutions.
I’m not saying this applies to EVERYONE who spanks, but of the 3 couples I know personally who spank their children, they do it out of laziness more than anything else. They can’t be bothered to learn other discipline techniques or actually talk to their children so they just spank when they do something wrong.
Besides which, I don’t know how anybody can spank their children and then turn around and try to teach their children not to hit people with a straight face. Sure in your mind you’re using the spank as a form of discipline to teach your child right from wrong, but how is that any different than your child hitting another kid whom they perceive to be behaving badly?
Post # 119
It’s really easy to say you won’t spank when you don’t have a child or have a child who responds well to other disciplines. Heck, my mom believed this after her first 2 daughters. We weren’t spanked, and we didn’t need it. But, then she had 2 more children, and they didn’t respond to any of her tried & true discipline, or any of the new disciplinary action she tried. My son will often not respond to anything but spanking. Trust me, I’ve tried. I didn’t think I’d ever have to spank, but I’d much rather have a safe child who knows how to behave as part of society than stick to ideals for the sake of ideals. My husband spanks him more than I do, and so many people comment how much he adores my husband. They argue that it’s BECAUSE of the boundaries he sets, not in spite of them.
ETA: A few notes to add: he DOES understand why he got spanked, because he gets spanked, we give him a moment to settle down, we explain exactly WHY he was punished, and then we hug him & tell him we love him. We tell him we don’t want to punish him, but we’re trying to keep him safe/happy/etc. Also, the argument that it will teach my child to be violent: there are a LOT of things my son sees me do that he knows he’s not allowed to do. I drink coffee, drink wine, I drive, etc. I can do those things because I’m an adult, and he’s not. That doesn’t even need explained.
Post # 120
I just thought I’d throw out there, since I’m seeing it a lot, that even though I was spanked as a child, I definitely knew it wasn’t okay to hit other kids.
As a PP pointed out, kids see their parents doing a whole host of behaviors that they aren’t allowed to do. When I was little I wasn’t allowed to wear my mother’s makeup, for instance.
I think the fundamental difference here has to do with authority- as parents, they have authority over and responsibility for you. As a child yourself, you are not in authority over another child and it isn’t your responsiblity to discipline them.
I’ve never seen kids who got their toys taken away by their parents think that it was okay to take another kid’s toys away- you still know you’re not allowed to do that, even though your parents do it to you.
Post # 121
A minor adjustment. There are far more effective punishments for many
, but not all, children.