(Closed) Are/Did you live together before the wedding?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Did you/Will you live together before your wedding?

    Yes... and I'll tell you why

    No.. and I'll tell you why

    Other (I'm not sure what the other may be, so explain if you pick this one!)

    I admit it.. unless it looks reallllly interesting, I only click the posts with the polls.

  • Post # 186
    Member
    201 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    barbie86: When it comes to something like this, you fall on either side and sometimes it’s hard to understand where the opposing team is coming from. Personally, I couldn’t care less what other people choose to do but for ME, not living together was never an option. In my opinion, the pros outweigh the cons and pre-marital cohabitation makes for a much smoother transition after a couple is legally wed but this is only based on my own experiences and the relationships of those who I know personally. Neither option is right or wrong. It just is what it is. I can fully respect the decision to not live together as long as those who choose not to, respect my decision to “shack up” or “play house”.

    As made painfully obvious in this thread, disrespect exists on both sides. At least the pro-cohabitation crew wasn’t as blatantly rude and offensive as a certain someone who’s batting for the “againsts”.

    As for truly knowing each other, there are things that you learn about someone when you live with them that you can’t really know without doing so. Maybe you know what his favorite ice cream flavor is or what side of the bed he sleeps on but do you know how he likes his socks folded or if he has the ability to aim correctly when he gets up in the middle of the night to pee? Do you know if he’ll leave a wet towel on the bed so when you go to pick it up 8 hours later, there’s a big wet spot? Do you know if he puts the milk away after pouring a bowl of cereal? Do you know if he blows up the bathroom at the exact same time when your internal clock tells you that it’s time to potty? Obviously these are stupid things that shouldn’t be a deciding factor in a relationship but these are things that you learn about someone when you live with them that you probably wouldn’t know without doing so.

    Post # 187
    Member
    6349 posts
    Bee Keeper

    View original reply
    @Puffthemagicdragon:  I guess this is what I strugle with: not understanding something because it differs from what is right for you personally.

    In my case, I personally am fine with the fact we won’t live together independently before marriage; I would be fine not living together at all before marriage; equally, I would be fine living together before marriage. I have no problems with understanding those who are very opposed, personally, to living together before marriage, for, say religious reasons; I am not religious myself, but I don’t need to be to understand that some people are and that for them, living together before marriage is not an option. Similarly, whilst I myself know my OH inside out, because we have been together so long and have spent so much time together, and I personally am more than happy to marry him without having lived together independently, I can totally understand that some couples don’t know each other that well (perhaps they haven’t been together long, perhaps they don’t spend much time together), and I can see why they would want to live together and get to know one another properly before making the committment of marriage.

    What I don’t understand is people who make sweeping generalisations, such as stating that you absolutely cannot know one another ‘properly’ until you live together, because while it may be the case for them, it isn’t the case for everyone. As I said, I have yet to see anyone mention anything I don’t already know about my OH, or any issue they encountered while living together that we have not already encountered and overcome in our 7 year relationship. Likewise, I don’t understand people who are opposed ANYONE living together before marriage. However, I have only seen ONE poster on this thread, dmk, who didn’t cohabit before marriage, make quite ignorant and sweeping generalisations, whereas I have seen many more who cohabit making sweeping and ignorant generalisations, like the ones I addressed above.

    I guess I just don’t understand this closed-mindedness and this inability to understand that what works for you, and the way your personal relationship is, doesn’t apply to everyone. There are some couples who don’t even cohabit after marriage; and if they have a happy relationship and are committed to one another, who on earth are we to tell them that this is ‘wrong’, that they don’t ‘know one another’, or that their relationship is ‘less committed’ because they don’t live under the same roof?…

    Post # 188
    Member
    6349 posts
    Bee Keeper

    View original reply
    @Puffthemagicdragon:  “As for truly knowing each other, there are things that you learn about someone when you live with them that you can’t really know without doing so. Maybe you know what his favorite ice cream flavor is or what side of the bed he sleeps on but do you know how he likes his socks folded or if he has the ability to aim correctly when he gets up in the middle of the night to pee? Do you know if he’ll leave a wet towel on the bed so when you go to pick it up 8 hours later, there’s a big wet spot? Do you know if he puts the milk away after pouring a bowl of cereal? Do you know if he blows up the bathroom at the exact same time when your internal clock tells you that it’s time to potty? Obviously these are stupid things that shouldn’t be a deciding factor in a relationship but these are things that you learn about someone when you live with them that you probably wouldn’t know without doing so.”


    He fold his socks the same as me

    He aims correctly, but sometimes he leaves the lid up which is annoying, but which I live with; I’ve just got used to putting it down

    He would never leave a wet towel on the bed; he towels himself in the bathroom and then puts in straight in the laundry basket. I however sometimes leave mine lying around so he ;picks them up and tidies them away

    He always puts the milk away; though sometimes he leaves the fridge door open while using it which I don’t really understand

    He never uses the toilet during the night; I inthe other hand do, but he sleeps soundly so I don’t wake him. as far as number 2’s go, I go three times a day, in the morning (he’s at work when I get up), after lunch and after dinner; he goes once a day late evening. If we did happen to need the toilet at the same time on the odd occasion I’m sure we could cope lol

     

    As I said, STILL not seeing anything here I don’t know and haven’t dealt with; but by all means, keep them coming!

    Post # 189
    Member
    201 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    Listen, obviously you know this guy and that’s great but SOME couples who don’t live together prior to marriage do not know each other inside and out. I’m going to assume your knowledge probably comes from the 7 years that you’ve spent together. Long relationships are a rarity these days. It seems like more times than not, couples invest a solid year or two into a relationship before making it legal. Those couples with a matter of months under their belts, probably couldn’t answer the questions that you just did because they wouldn’t know the answer if they didn’t live together.

    Regardless, that still would never change my opinion on the matter. I cherish the years we spent together before we were married and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I’m such a supporter of pre-marital cohabitation that I’ll urge my own children to do it since I think beneficial.

    As for now, I think I’m done with this thread. Unless of course dmk wants to throw around some more insults. Then I’ll be back a vengeance. 🙂

    Post # 190
    Member
    6349 posts
    Bee Keeper

    View original reply
    @Puffthemagicdragon:  I knew these things about 12 months in, because we spent 6 nights a week together. So I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily the length of time we’ve been together, though I see your point.

    But basically then, you agree with me now; before, you were saying that you cannot know someone properly without living together; you even provided that list for me, presumably because you believed that not living together, we wouldn’t know these things. I demonstrated that actually, you can very easily know those things without living together.

    And yes I agree, not all couples who don’t live together know each other really well; equally, I’d argue that some couples who DO live together don’t know each other as well as they think they do. The point is everyone is different; and sweeping generalisations, or assertions that because x is right for you or applies to you the same MUST got for everyone, bug me, because they’re just silly.

    Post # 191
    Member
    242 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    View original reply
    @barbie86:  +1000!!!

    Post # 192
    Member
    23591 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2011

    Okay girls, I’m stepping in to close this thread, as it seems like it’s time to take a step back from the subject at hand and agree to disagree. 🙂

    The topic ‘Are/Did you live together before the wedding?’ is closed to new replies.

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