Post # 1
Hive-I’m so upset right now I just can’t believe it. My dream wedding is turning into more of a nightmare! Fiance and I talked last night and we’re ready to run off to Vegas and text everyone after we’re married. It’s gotten that bad!
Here’s just a short run-down of problems…
- We (FI and I) wanted a small-ish wedding (like 150 people since the venue we wanted made that their minimum) of just people we liked not people we were inviting out of “etiquette” – that plan was scrapped when my 2nd cousin once removed (yeah we’re REALLY close…not) got married a year ago and “forgot” to invite a bunch of people…so that means now we HAVE to invite everyone on my dad’s side of the family including his cousin’s and their kids most of whom I HAVE NEVER EVEN MET! The best part? None of them would make the 2 hour trip to our ceremony (my grandmother already asked them) so now, they (my dad and grandmother) expect us to foot the bill on a SEPARATE party close to where they (my dad’s family) live (most of that side of the family all lives within about a 50 mile radius of each other) since they’ll drive the 20-30 minutes to get to this separate party, but not the 2 hours to actually see me get married.
- FI’s parents heard that my dad wanted to do this and now they want a SEPARATE party for THEIR friends too! Bringing us up to 1 ceremony and 3 receptions! Call me crazy but this may look bad on Fiance and I since it might look like we’re saying “hey, you weren’t ‘good’ enough to come to our ceremony but we want your present/money anyway so here…we’ll invite to a separate party”
- My grandmother (on my mom’s side) is inviting EVERYONE she knows! We were sitting at my sister’s graduation ceremony a few weeks ago and my 8th grade math teacher was sitting in front of us…what does she do? She invites him and his wife to the wedding! We (FI and I) had a quick chat with her afterwards about how we hadn’t set the guest list yet and it was already ballooning out of control with my dad’s family so she couldn’t just invite whoever she wanted…her response? “I’ll invite whoever I want, you’ll thank me afterwards”
- Told my dad that we were thinking of just eloping and going to Vegas or Hawaii or something and he said he wouldn’t come! My own father doesn’t want to come to my wedding!!! I told him that we would invite close family (parents, siblings) to see the ceremony and he said that he didn’t want to come. I asked him if he’d come to the wedding we’re planning already…he said he’d think about it! My brother doesn’t want to come either-but doesn’t have a reason, just said he wasn’t going to come.
Call me crazy but I thought families were supposed to love you no matter what? Now, it looks like I’m going to have a wedding with just my FI’s family since my family doesn’t care about me enough to even come…how am I supposed to deal with my own father not wanting to come to my wedding? He doesn’t have a reason, he likes Fiance a lot there’s never been any issues between them. I just don’t know what to do anymore…I’m ready to give up!
Post # 3
When I started reading this I had to actually stop to make sure I didn’t write it! lol Seriously though, family can be frustrating. I don’t have the Vegas issues because between Fiance and my family they have convinced me to go through with the whole big deal. However, just take a deep breath and remember that no matter how out of control, crazy or insane the wedding and reception(s) become, in the end the ONLY thing that matters is that you and your Fiance will be married.
Something about the word “wedding” brings out the crazy in people, especially family. Take everything with a grain of salt and recognize that they do love you and will most likely come to their senses after you have tied the knot the wedding excitement has dissipated.
Post # 4
Who is paying for the wedding?? In my experience, the people paying, determine the guest list and size of the wedding. If you and your Fiance are paying, put your foot down immediately!
Post # 5
Wow! That’s way out of hand. All these separate parties? “…you’ll thank me afterward.” (Is grandma paying for their plates or something?)
Are you paying for all of these parties? If so, I wouldn’t hesitate to put m foot down and say, “Sorry, can’t afford it. Make the trip to the wedding or don’t. I don’t really care. So I hope you can join us for the actual wedding reception.”
Keep us posted. I hope it works out.
Post # 6
I would be on a plane to Vegas already! I thought I had parental problems….nothing like this! Good luck girl!
Post # 7
I think everyone goes through some of this craziness in the initial planning phase. Everybody throws out what they want, more people add to it, guest lists grow….and then reality sets in. Everyone will calm down once the real research begins and money is discussed and people come to their senses. When my neice first started planning her wedding,my BIL told my sister to ‘let her have whatever she wants’. Ha! That idea lasted about 2 weeks, and once venues were checked and everything else about the insanity of wedding world began to present itself, they all had to sit down and come to an agreement. If you haven’t attended or planned one in many years, it’s hard to grasp how very expensive and complicated it has become.
Your family loves you, but right now they’re acting a little selfish and inconsiderate. You and your Fiance need to sit down together and make a list of all the things that are important to both of you. Once you have a clear picture of how you want your wedding to go,discuss it with both families and see what they have to say. There will be some negative comments made if they’re anything like most families, but you need to decide what is and what isn’t worth fighting for and over. Have your arguments ready for when they attempt to push your buttons, but also try and be open to things they may suggest you may not have considered.
Step away from all of it for a few days, and maybe you’ll be able to see things more clearly. Our emotions can get the best of us if we let them. Good luck! It will all work out as it should.
Post # 8
This sounds like it really sucks for you right now. However, it’s possible you could make it work for you. This is how: you plan the ceremony and reception you actually want to have, with the people you want to invite. Then you tell your father, and your FI’s family, that you think having a separate reception for their family/friends is a fantastic idea – but they need to plan it, and pay for it. You and your husband will just show up on the day, smiles on your faces. After all, you’ll probably be on your honeymoon during a big chunk of the planning time.
I made a deal like this with my mother – we got married on the other side of the country, and didn’t invite her million friends from church / parents of my elementary school classmates / whatever. So she organized a party in my hometown for all of them. I told her it was fine as long as I didn’t have to do anything other than show up. And it was actually really nice, although I would have been really pissed if I had had to pay for or do the planning for it.
PS – we told my mom to tell everyone that we hadn’t registered, since we didn’t want to come across as gift-grabby. A few people still got as stuff, which we wrote nice thank you notes for. I don’t think anyone was offended.
Post # 9
I wouldn’t worry about the second and third receptions. I would just tell those parents thats fine, you will show up but you aren’t going to plan it or foot the bill for it.
Post # 10
Hi guys, thanks so much for the wonderful replies! Neither of our families has really planned a wedding in almost 20 years (his parents had their reception in a machine shed and mine had theirs in the church) so I’m hoping their all delusional in how freakin expensive a wedding actually is. As far as who’s paying…well that’s still up in the air, and everyone refuses to discuss it. Another story for another post! I’ve tried to include everyone and gently show them just how freakin expensive it is, but I must be too gentle since their not really getting it. Intially everyone was on board with a small-ish wedding but now every things gone out the window…I though I was the one who was supposed to be trying to blow the budget not the other way around.
Post # 11
You sit down and work out your list. Carefully, just the two of you.
Then you tell your parents on both sides you don’t want to hear a word about it til January.
Then you sit your dad down and tell him you’ll hear no more nonsense, he’s going and that’s that. No matter where it is. My dad turned around a few months back and said, ” Sure your brother can walk you down the aisle.” Jaw dropped, I said, “Why? What’s wrong with your legs?” And he pulled back. Men say a lot of silly stuff, you’d go mad if you took them at their word all the time.
Could your mum talk to her mum, and maybe tell her she can’t actually invite anyone? Not her place?
TBH if I were in your boots I ‘d be headed for the airport! You have a few good months before you really have to get into proper planning, so think long and hard about what’s important to you, in your wedding. And if there’s a ‘parents paying, parents decide’ situation building, then just elope. It’ll drive you mental if you’ve to hand over control.
Post # 12
Holy Cow! after reading this and the responses I’m so very very happy with my daughter’s wedding and the plan. We’re footing the bill (and I know this isn’t extravagant – $22,000 wedding) My daughter and fiancee are very appreciative and we all listen to each other’s desires, requests and absolutes and it’s turning out quite well. He’s from back East and we’re West coast so that makes a big difference in who wants to make the trip.
My opinion, let the “fianancier” have a say in the guest list, but ultimately I personally think the bride and groom should compile the guest list. Everyone else is either “invited” or “not invited” to one wedding and one receipt, PERIOD – END OF STORY!
Post # 13
@aunt pol I wish I had the assertiveness to talk to my dad like that-the worst I’ve ever done is yelling at him when, my mother had been dead for less then a year, and he started dating his 24yr old secretary. Can you come over and do it for me pretty plz? Lol!
Post # 14
Haha! You just need to get him on a good day, and keep the mood nice and light. Best of luck! At the end of the day, you know he’s gonna go, he knows he’s gonna go, so let him finish his protest and you’ll be grand! Keep us posted!