(Closed) argh (vent)

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

To be completely honest, he’s acting like a (filthy) child. For it to be at the point that, in order for him to help with a simple task like taking out the garbage, you have to hold the internet hostage and repeatedly text him… that would be a dealbreaker for me. That’s beyond lazy. Adults take out the fucking garbage when it needs to go out. 

I think you need to have a serious talk with him about chores and cleanliness standards and housekeeping and sharing the duties. And you need to make it clear to him that you’re not solely responsible for the housekeeping, and that you’re not his mother, to nag him and follow him around picking up after him. If you’re not in a position to afford a maid, that doesn’t make you the fill in. 

For practical advice, I recommend the “Messie” books by Sandra Felton, specifically the Messie’s Manual and When You Live With a Messie. There’s also a community at squalorsurvivors.com where you can find support with this.

I know some community education and outreach programs in the US have classes and support for these kinds of life skills. Often social services departments also have people that teach people how to keep house (among other things) and it may be worth calling them and asking for resources (and insisting your FI attend with you.) It might be embarrrassing, but if it’s at the point where you have leftover food under stacks of clutter to the point where you’re getting bugs in your home, it’s serious enough that you (both) need to swallow your pride and get help with this.

Says the woman that grew up in a house where the kitchen counter was routinely crawling with maggots. 

Post # 4
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@beenonymous765:  Seriously, tell him he’s acting like a child, not like the MAN you envisioned marrying.  And don’t be snarky or bitchy about it, just be firm and assertive.  I know it sounds harsh but it is the truth right?  Guys act on ego.  If you’re able to knock that ego a bit, it might make more of an impact than pissing and moaning at him.

 

Post # 5
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I would have blown a fuse by now. My DH can be lazy but if I ask him to do something, he does it right then and there. 

I have no idea what I would do in your shoes besides move out and leave him in his filth for a while to see if he gets the picture. 

Post # 6
Member
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

If you want to spend your life with this man I think you’re going to need to be one of those couples that lives next door to each other because they can’t share a house.

That or he needs to earn enough money to pay a maid to come clean up after him.

Right now he’s telling you that not only is this unimportant to him, but he’d rather sit on his ass and watch you do it than clean up after himself. I’m not sure how you can have an adult relationship with someone who refuses to be an adult.

Post # 7
Member
1082 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I really feel for you.

My DH and I used to fight about housework all the time, because I am pretty lazy and when I get home from a massive long day the last thing I want to do is clean.

That being said, I have never let it get to the point of a bug infestation.

We ended up hiring a cleaner who comes once a fortnight to do the major jobs, we just have to do the minor things like dishes, rubbish and laundry.

Post # 8
Member
2876 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@beenonymous765:  could you get someone to do the “heavy cleaning” once a week (scrubbing showers, toilets etc) so that to maintain it you just read to run a broom/vacuum over floor and dust surfaces?

you could talk about chore allocation – as in, what he prefers to do and whats his worst chore (and you too) and make a list of things youre responsible for. it sucks, i imagine it being really stressful

thing is, if it doesnt change now, it certainly wont after marrying him

Post # 9
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@newname_99:

thing is, if it doesnt change now, it certainly wont after marrying him <- THIS

 

Another good resource for changing your habits is zenhabits.com — you guys can’t go from Hoarders to Martha Stewart overnight, no matter how many conversations you have about wanting to do things differently. It’ll take dozens of small changes, practiced assidiously, until they become how you do things. 

Post # 11
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee

Is there any way you can get a cleaning lady to come 1 time a om that least to help out?  That could help out if he’s not willing to help out he could at least pay for that. 

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